Some Random (and Rambling) Thoughts

I lost a baby two years ago at this time. I usually don't dwell on my miscarriages, but for some reason, this one has been haunting me the past couple of days. Isn't it funny how life does that? We go along, thinking that we're doing fine, and then BOOM something from the past presents itself again. We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, but we both noticed that I was quite late. Greg went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and a giant Symphony Bar (the huge ones with toffee in them - Yum!). He said that if I was pregnant then I got the chocolate, and if I wasn't pregnant then he got the chocolate. I enjoyed my candy bar that night! It was a lovely surprise that we relished for a couple of weeks, and then I lost it on a Saturday night. We got home from the temple at about 11 o'clock when I noticed the spotting. I did this with all my pregnancies - even the ones that made it. But, after a very restless night, I got up at about 5 in the morning and it was quite obvious what was happening. I had to speak in church that day. I had already prepared my talk, and it was on the Tree of Life. I was talking about how the iron rod and narrow path goes directly through the spacious field (mortality) and the mists of darkness (trials & temptations). You can't go around it; you can't go under it; you can't go over it; you have to go through it. I sobbed my way through that talk, and I wonder how ridiculous I must have seemed. In the end, I guess it was good because it made me realize how much I wanted to have another baby. Five months later, I was pregnant with Paige. What a blessing she has been! I just can't help but wonder about these other babies every once in a while.

I guess I always take a minute to remember my miscarriages. I lost one a couple of days before my birthday. This was my second miscarriage. The first one wasn't too horrible for me. It happened the earlier August. I knew that most people experience a miscarriage, and I just figured that I was a statistic. But, when the second one happened, I think I realized that there was a real problem. I remember going to a concert for my voice teacher. She was getting her Master's in Vocal Performance at the UofU, and this was her final project. It was a little artsy-fartsy, so Greg didn't go with me (even though the concert was on my birthday - That's weird, maybe he had school that night). Anyway...I remember finally being able to sob all the way home. You know those deep sobs where it feels like you're pulling the pain right out of your gut. So, I guess I always take a little moment on my birthday to think about that baby. My third miscarriage happened the end of April. I take a minute to think of that baby every Spring. It's kind of funny how I think that they each deserve there own "moment of remembrance."

Greg turned on the PBS Special on the "Mormons" the other night. I remembered watching the second evening when it originally aired, but it was interesting (and kind of frustrating) to watch it again. It was very interesting to note the areas that they chose to emphasize. I found myself getting a little defensive in parts, and wondering why people care to disprove our religion. The program ended with the quote about how religion is nothing more than creating meaning from the meaningless. I wanted to ask, "So what?" Who cares if I want to live my life believing in life after death? Who cares if I believe in divine communication? Who cares if I believe that service involves taking cookies and casseroles to the neighbors? Then...as I went to bed and my thoughts turned to my little, lost babies, I realized that I have had experiences that have confirmed to me that my faith is more than just pacifying myself against my fear of death. I also realized that these experiences have been much too precious, much too "sacred" to explain to someone who only wants to argue or disprove them. I don't think I'm better than anyone else because I'm a member of the LDS church, but I do find a peace and love in the gospel that I haven't found anywhere else. I guess it all comes down to faith. I believe that ALL the answers are there, we just don't know all of them right now.