The Schizophrenic Mother

Last night for Family Home Evening, I yelled and screamed at my kids until the basement was clean.

Then, we sang "Love At Home."

Just kidding.

We didn't sing.

When I was pregnant with the twins, my mother looked at me and said, "If this doesn't teach you patience, then you are a lost cause."

The jury is still out.

Things I Know to be True

It has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. One of our neighbor's passed away last Tuesday at the age of 17. At the funeral yesterday, another neighbor told me that she had never understood the saying "a heavy heart," but felt that she finally knew what people were talking about. Greg and I talked about this last night. Unfortunately, we have had a few experiences in our (almost) 14 years of marriage that we have experienced that "heavy heart." This week has been no exception.

I've written the details and my very raw, personal feelings in my bright orange journal. But since I am using this blog to document our family's life and hopefully leave it for my children, I've been thinking about what I can write in this venue. I've had so many emotions and thoughts this week, but here is a brief list of (some) of the things that I know.

• People are good. Human beings, at our innate core, are good; really good. We are all born with the light of Christ. At times, our selfishness can surface. But when tragedy strikes, people have the innate desire to help and ease another person's pain.  I have witnessed hundreds of acts of pure, unselfish love this week. The Lord has surrounded us with good people, and they will be there to support and build up when we need them. 

• Difficult things happen in this life. Hard things happen whether we are good, righteous people, striving to live the commandments and love our fellow man. Hard things happen whether we are rebellious, cruel, and vindictive. This is part of life. When we were born, and received the greatest gift of a mortal body, we exposed ourself to the trials and hardships of this earthly life. No one is exempt. 

• Heavenly Father loves us immensely and unconditionally even though hard things will happen to us in this life. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us immensely and unconditionally even though hard things will happen to us in this life. They weep along side us when we feel pain.

• One of my favorite scriptures (ever since I discovered it at the age of 14): Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27

• The Lord hears and answers our prayers. Period.

• There are many questions that we have that won't be answered in this lifetime. That's okay. We aren't meant to have all the answers. We can ask "why," but it is not okay to dwell on it. That is when our faith comes in. "Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and concerns. But first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe." - Jeffrey R. Holland

• I will never be able to hear the song "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon again without tears. Such beautiful, poignant lyrics.

• We can never judge another human being. This is difficult to actually do because sometimes people do things that don't seem to make any sense. But we never know what another person is going through. This can be true even for people that are closest to us. "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Attributed to Plato

• You will never be wrong when you follow the Spirit. You will never be wrong when giving a heartfelt compliment. You will never be wrong when you treat others with kindness. 

• When someone is suffering and grieving, there are only two things that need to be said: "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

• Whenever tragedy occurs, the Lord blesses us with numerous tender mercies. "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20). Elder Bednar stated that "the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

• Music is a powerful healing tool. Music speaks to the heart when words seem inadequate. Music motivates emotions.

• We can do hard things. We need to do hard things. 

• Heaven is real. There are ancestors and loved ones on the other side that love us and will help us. Heaven is really not far away. 

• The Savior lives. He loves us. He is so very close and never far away. The Atonement is our greatest gift. It is through the Atonement that peace, healing, forgiveness, and repentance are possible. "And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!" (D&C: 76:22)

• Our Heavenly Father loves us. He has delegated everything else to his son, Jesus Christ (he has even delegated judgement). The only thing left is for our Heavenly Father to love us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. He is our Father. We can go to him for anything and everything. We are so very loved. 

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

First game of the season last night and guess who got the game ball?!? Austin was the last one in the lineup, but the first one to get a hit. He stood up there and cranked a double, earning him an RBI. He then stole 3rd base, and scored on a hit by one of his teammates. Later in the game, he got another hit.

After the game, the coach awarded him the team ball! First time ever!!! He was so happy. He went to bed and was still beaming. I'm so proud of him, and so very happy for him.

He's playing in the 11/12-year old league this year, so he's one of the youngest on the team. He's already small for his age, but put him up against kids older than him anyway, and he looks even smaller. I walked over to practice the other day and thought I was in the wrong place. It looked like a men's team. Despite being the youngest and the smallest, he worked hard, listened to his coaches, and he did it!!! I am so grateful for the good men and women that volunteer their time to help coach these kids. Austin has an unbelievable coach this year. He's so positive and encouraging with them, but he also works these kids hard.

Love seeing that huge smile on his face (although it's hard to capture on camera)!

A Slight Case of Dyslexia

Greg's poor feet. They crack and bleed when the weather changes. I try to convince him to go get a pedicure, but he's not positive that he's manly enough to sport hot-pink toes. The other night, he had some pretty painful cracks on the sides of his feet, so I put on my  Florence Nightingale cap and fixed him up.

Last night, I was in bed reading when Greg came in. He plopped down beside me and said, "Thanks for healing my feet" (obviously referring to the other night). Granted, I was reading and really into my book, but I didn't quite hear him correctly. I put down my book and said, "Thanks for feeling my heat? What are you talking about?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "What are you talking about?" I had no idea! What in the world does "feeling my heat" even mean???

Then, I realized that I had switched the "f" and the "h" in my brain. I broke out in uncontrollable laughter. Then Greg started laughing. For the next fifteen minutes, one of us would just burst out in spontaneous laughter.

It's the little things...

Madhouse

My cute niece had a baby a few days ago. It was her first, and the first great-grandchild for my in-laws. She has this adorable little dark-haired bundle. I find myself a little jealous of her situation. Not break-the-10-commandments, unrighteous-envy type jealousy. I remember being in her situation, and I find myself longing for her innocence.

I remember that Greg and I wanted to "have a baby." We were so thrilled with Austin. Of course, he was an adorable little bald-headed bundle. And when his hair did grow in, it was practically white so it didn't look like he had hair anyway. We were head-over-heels in love at first glance. He was the most wonderful thing ever to enter our life. It never occurred to us that we had "started a family," when all we wanted to do was "have a baby."

It's not that I ever regret living this life. I am extremely grateful for my kids, and feel beyond blessed to get five of them.

I just could never have imagined how hard.this.was.going.to.be.

I had a woman talk to me at church last Sunday about "some people's children." Granted, this woman is quite old, has lost most of her eyesight so she only has her hearing, and has never had children of her own. She told me all about how "it seems like the children are raising their parents." All I could say was that she was right. When she says "some people's children," she's really talking about mine. The image I had in my mind of my six (that's right - SIX was what I always wanted) darling, perfect little angels who were independent and individual thinkers (although in my daydreams, they always managed to come to the "correct" answer all on their own adding to my joy and pride) is not exactly what I got. In fact, it isn't remotely at all what I got. I used to dream of Greg and I sitting lovingly next to each other at church every week, holding hands and listening intently so that our children would know how much we meant to each other and how important the gospel was to us. They would sit reverently, arms folded and listening intently with matching dresses, pressed shirts, and hair bows that looked darling in their perfect hair. I imagined us working together in the yard, learning and growing together. I imagined us all singing songs and playing games while we cleaned up the perfectly organized playroom. It was such a happy, perfect little life in my head.

A life in which I actually showered every day.

I was given five vastly different soldiers. At times, it feels like there are actually seven different armies in my home, all battling one another. The noise...the arguing...the attitude...the tears...the whining...the eye rolling...the tattling...the nasty looks. It's just tough. Last night, Family Home Evening went something like this: (Me) If you are going to act the same way tomorrow that you acted today, don't bother coming out of your room in the morning. We are a family! We are supposed to be each other's greatest blessings, and we treat each other like garbage. I'm sick of it!

That went well.

The only thing these children seem to have in common is that they are all fiercely spirited and individualistic. Which is wonderful! And very challenging!

And they were sent to this Earth with their own, hand-picked set of challenges - trials and struggles that will help mold them and shape them and help them humble themselves to come to Christ. As a mother, it is hard to watch them get older and know that I can't just take it all away. When I realize that a kiss and hug and a Batman/Barbie Bandaid isn't going to magically "make it all better." It is hard to gain a testimony of allowing my children to live their own life and trusting that the Lord will provide them with the experiences and people in their life that will help them grow and evolve.

Motherhood has stripped me of everything I ever knew about myself. In a lot of ways, that woman at church was right: my children are raising me. I make mistakes. It's trial and error you know! And a ton of prayers!!! I am constantly trying new things, some of which work, most don't. I find myself surrounded by a mess - literally and figuratively. I just hope that if we keep trying...keep praying...keep learning from our mistakes...keep getting up every morning (despite the exhaustion)...and keep trying to express our love that we can get glimpses of that love and excitement again. The love that a newborn brings to the home. The excitement of what the future will bring.

"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." - Gordon B. Hinckley

This is quickly becoming my mantra.

Lego Robotics

Our school has an awesome 4H program. It is basically run by one amazing woman, Deb Ivie. She is truly an unbelievably lady with amazing children! I just adore her! This year, they started the Lego Robotics Club, and Austin has been in heaven! They build robots made out of Lego and then program them to do different things. Then, they get together and compete against other teams. A few weeks ago, we spent the entire Saturday at Salt Lake Community College at the tournament. It could have been an episode out of "Big Bang Theory," but it was fun and pretty cool what all these kids learned throughout the year.

The teams spent the morning talking to judges and practicing and making last minute changes. Sadly, one of the dad's got involved with Austin's team and tried to re-program the entire vehicle right before competition. It was simply not enough time and their poor vehicle ended up not doing anything. It was like the Pinewood Derby on steroids for these dads. Sadly, it backfired. They ended up in second-to-last place (at least they beat the team that didn't show up)! But, it was still a good experience. We learned a lot, and Austin is super excited to do it again next year.

It's always good for a family to support each other! (On a side note, Paige has taken to dressing herself lately. She's really great at it!)

The kids and I spent time in between the competition jumping off the stairs. We did this for about a half an hour. I love the ways that kids find to entertain themselves. My kids are really loud, especially when they are in a giant, empty room! I learned that I am incapable of taking pictures of people in motion. Not one of them is in focus!

Points

This boy...

The young one, not the old one

He has a beautiful mind.

So, he had to go on a 10 mile bike ride for scouts. Saturday was absolutely beautiful, so the two of us rode to my parents house, got a quick drink and snack, and rode back. We were about a mile into our ride, and Austin came up with a "game" that we could play while we rode. We would try to ride over potholes. The big ones are worth 5 points, the little ones are worth 10 points, and the square utility ones are worth 15.

My score: 565
Austin's score: 630 (of course, he did start playing before he told me about it)

Only on a bike ride with Austin, would we be doing math while riding a bike. Always academically multitasking, that kid!!!

Three Thousand Two Hundred Eighty-Seven Days

My Little Miss turned 9 today! I'm not going to be able to call her "Little Miss" much longer. She's growing up so fast! She has all of us wrapped right around her little finger. We went to Yogurtland (just the two of us), and I did a little "Birthday Interview" while we were sitting there. One of the questions I asked her was about her favorite thing about her teacher, Mrs. Bogenshutz. Macy told me that she loves it when she reads her stories "because she always reads them with passion." That's exactly the way I would describe Macy: So much passion!

Macy is so much like her Daddy. They both love life, and they love to "play." They both get so excited about things, and they just can't contain their excitement. They are both loving and cuddly. She loves to give/get back scratches. Neither one of them have any fear, and they love thrill and excitement. Heaven for them is an amusement park; the higher, faster, and scarier...the better! She loves to try new things, and experience life to the fullest. They both have a bit of a temper, but they snap out of it just as fast as they get upset. They both have an adorable mischievous side, and they don't really care that much about getting in trouble. I tell Greg that he adores her so much because he "gets" her. They seriously have some telepathic connection. They even have the same sense of humor, like to be silly, and find the same things funny. I tell Greg that I adore her so much because she is his carbon copy. I just love them both!

 Macy is definitely 9 going on 16 (of course, she's been going on 16 for about 7 years now). She's the perfect combination of little girl and pre-teen. She still loves all the girl toys like Barbie, Lalaloospy, Monster High, American Girl. But she definitely loves being "grown up" as well. She is very into doing her own hair and putting together her own outfits. She is definitely into music. She loves the techno station on Pandora and One Direction and Justin Beiber and Taylor Swift. She likes to have music on 24/7.

Snippets from her Birthday Interview:
Favorite Subject in School: Art. I draw something and I write a little bit about it in the corner.
Least Favorite Subject in School: Math and Spelling
Who is your BFF (at school): Bellamy, Abby, Skylie...well, I asked everybody in my class, and they're all my friend.
Me: Who is your favorite boyfriend?
Macy: Here or at school?
Me: At school.
Macy: Weston.
Me: Weston? What makes Weston so special?
Macy: He's cute and he's funny.
Me: He's cute and he's funny? What does he do that's so funny?
Macy: He does everything funny.
Me: Give me an example. Did he do anything funny today?
Macy: Well, one time, when we had music, she accidentally started playing the song, and Weston did a funny dance, and it was so weird.

Me: Who is your best boyfriend here?
Macy: Jaren
Me: What do you like about Jaren?
Macy: He's good at sports. He's cute. He's funny.
Me: Who do you want to marry?
Macy: That's a hard decision.
Me: It is? What makes it hard?
Macy: They're both cute and funny.
Me: So, it's between Weston and Jaren? Who you're going to marry?
Macy: (nods)
Me: What if you grow up and change your mind?
Macy: Then I'm going to be really mad at myself.

What is your favorite thing that you did when you were eight years old? Probably getting baptized or snowboarding.
What is your dream for 9 years old? What do you want to do this year? I want to learn how to draw realistic drawings.
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Paris
Why Paris? To see the Eiffel Tower and learn how to paint.
If you could meet anyone in the whole world, who would you meet? Probably a person who knows a lot about...like...inspiring yourself.
What is your favorite food? Macaroni and cheese
What is your favorite nail color? aqua, black, and pink
What is your favorite thing about Dad? That's hard! I have a lot of things I like about Dad.
What is your favorite song? "You Don't Know You're Beautiful." It's an awesome song! I keep singing it at school to annoy the boys and because it's fun.
How come you like to annoy boys? Because they go like "Ahhh...Stop it!"
Tell me your favorite thing about Dad. He's funny and cute.
That's the same thing as Weston! No wonder you want to marry Weston! He must be just like Daddy!
What do you want to be when you grow up? A famous artist.
Do you know that lots of people love you? (with a nod) Um-humm! Lots of them!