A lot changed after I had Austin. First of all, I lost about 10 pounds in my first trimester. Not that I was throwing up, I was just being healthier than I'd ever been in my entire life. I was taking vitamins every day, and I was eating breakfast every day. I think it really helped. Anyway...after I had Austin, the weight seemed to magically disappear. At my skinniest (since 7th grade), I weighted about 125, and I felt really good. I thought that having children was just good for me, but Macy proved me wrong. And Paige has been even worse. I could definitely see differences after my 2nd child, but after my 3rd, it is quite obvious to me that major damage has been done. I've lost about an inch and a half in height since I've had children (I blame this on the heparin and bone density loss), but it kind of squishes everything together makes it bulge out. Paige is almost a year old, and I've been waiting for that magic moment when the weight melts away and I look like a 24-year-old again. Obviously, that is not going to happen.
My emotionally unhealthy way of dealing with it has been to simply ignore it. I don't show people pictures of myself when I was heavy in hopes that I can pull off some facade about being a thin person. I also don't eat anything - EVER - and simply enjoy it. Every single bite that goes in my mouth is calculated in my head. I feel moderately guilty with one bite of cake, but by the 4th or 5th bite, I'm beating myself up for being so weak to indulge. I gulp down things that are healthy for me, but secretly wish that I were eating French Toast with buttery syrup instead of low-salt scrambled egg. I really am so messed up. I tell myself that I don't care, but I really do. I spend way too much time attempting to look thinner than I am. Then, it's just a vicious cycle of feeling guilty for thinking too much about myself instead of other people. I end up taking my frustrations out on my kids, which generates a cycle of even more guilt. (Are you beginning to sense how truly crazy I am!?!)
So...this is my attempt to help put this demon to bed (or at least suppress it a little and replace it with healthier, happier thoughts). I started South Beach today to try to get rid of my baby chub (I don't even gain that much weight with my babies - only 5 pounds with Paige - but I've seemed to gain quite a bit of mass) and back down to a place where I felt good (like after Austin). I weighed myself today, and I will weigh myself once a week. I am not going to keep it a secret anymore. I weigh 137 pounds. My goal is 120.
This is so scary! I've NEVER been this honest about disclosing my weight. I feel like I'm in that dream where you show up to school or church naked. Honesty is hard! In my attempt to expose everything, here are a couple of "heavy" pictures. They were hard to find because I strategically placed myself behind other people in pictures so I would look smaller. Cuckoo!
My goal:
7 comments:
I LOVE your honesty. You can do it! But I can't imagine you only 120...are you sure you'll look healthy?? You look good now...seriously!! And you don't look that much different from your goal picture. I love you...have I said that lately?
I was going to say the same thing...when I picture you in my head, it's the bottom picture. Exactly. Good luck, though. It's a great goal to have & I wish I could say I ate as healthy as you do during pregnancy. I usually eat whatever sounds good...which isn't usually a low salted egg. :)
I am so impressed with your honesty! There isn't any better way to handle it than be honest with it! I have found that in my grief too. Good luck with your goals! I know there is no compliment that I can give that will convince you otherwise of what your goal-so shoot for it, but I think you are wonderfully beautiful. Love ya Lots.
I have NEVER thought of you as "heavy" person! Never! I think if every woman were as honest as you, they'd all admit they'd like to be thinner, weigh less, taller, shorter, curvier, etc. Good for you for having goals to change your image!
I've never met you in person, but the pictures I've seen of you you look great! I'm not just saying that, I think you look really good - and I would LOOOOVVVE to weigh 137.
Emily, either we are both crazy (because we're similiar), or both very normal. I go through the same thoughts on my weight as you do. However, weighing 137 for me would be a dream. I haven't weighed 137 since high school! Good luck with your goals.
I know it isn't about the number. It's really more about all my screwed up thinking about food, weight, etc. Maybe I should just take some advice of a good friend and neighbor: "After three kids, you just have to make peace with your body." :)
Post a Comment