Patience: My Eternal Quest

I got an email today, and this quote was at the end:

"Patience and perseverance have a magical affect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

Why can't I learn this?!?  Yesterday was the Sacrament Meeting Primary Program.  I felt very calm about it all morning, and they actually released me from Primary President, so I bore my testimony.  Everything was going well...until my children got up on the stand.  I thought they were monsters (nicest word I could come up with).  Austin goofed off with Hannah the entire time, he danced during the songs instead of singing them, and he actually fell off the risers (yes...He is seven years old).  I didn't even see Macy, but in Greg's words: "She could not have been worse."  (Although Jen assured me that she definitely could have been worse.)  I was mortified, embarrassed, angry, humiliated, and felt completely worthless as a mother as if nothing we are teaching them is sinking in.  I could just feel the anger growing and growing and the spirit leaving as the meeting progressed.  I haven't been this angry in a long time.  In my testimony, I spoke about how much love I felt when my first child was born - love that I didn't even know existed before then.  By the end of the program, I was trying to summon any love at all!  In my fury, I banned the following: All sugar, TV, videos, computer games, toys, the zoo, and pretty much anything fun for the rest of their lives.  I stopped just short of banning Christmas.  

By contrast, Paige has been sick the past couple of days.  Sunday morning, she started crying about 4 a.m. at which point we discovered she had thrown up in her crib.  Poor baby was dry-heaving the rest of the morning.  She took a morning nap, and was doing better by church.  Not wanting Greg to miss the program, or possibly because I needed him to witness his children's behavior, Paige came with us.  Directly after the closing prayer, she threw up all over my parents.  She also threw up all over her car seat at the end of the day.  I don't know how many times I scrubbed the carpet, how many loads of laundry we've done, or how many baths she had yesterday, but through it all I remained calm, PATIENT, and loving, acting with complete empathy.  Even this morning, when it was evident that she was not doing much better, I just accepted the fact that I would be holding her all day and threw out any aspirations of being productive.  Why?  Why can I express such unbelievable patience in one situation and have it completely allude me in another situation?!?  

Overall, I think the program was a success.  They knew the songs and sang them so beautifully (except for my children who didn't sing one word).  We had the Primary kids "write" the program.  We interviewed them and used their answers as their parts.  It turned out to be completely adorable and so sincere.  Here are a few of my favorite lines:

• I think Jesus loves me just like my Mom and Dad love me.  I think Jesus loves me even more!
• Jesus wants me to listen and loves me so much, like a trillion times.
• When we die, Heavenly Father and Jesus are going to keep us.
• I know Jesus takes care of us.  He gives us cows to the earth to give us milk, and pigs to oink for us, and horses too.
• Prophets teach us and when we're being good they say, "You are being very good."  I think Heavenly Father loves everyone in the whole world.
• Prophets teach us Jesus died on the cross so that everyone can stay alive after they die.  It was very, very special.
• When I read my scriptures, and I see the word "heaven," a picture pops up in my mind of everyone in my family hugging in heaven.
• I'm thankful for my blessings, like my body.  Jesus gave me a body, my mom, dad, brother, granny, and grandma.  I'm so thankful for all those people that I love!
• I learn about the scriptures with my family.  My favorite story is about Captain Moroni.  I like him because he is strong and smart.  I really like the part about sending spies to the Lamanites.  Captain Moroni didn't go to war because he liked to fight, he did it to protect their families.
• I like to sing my prayer.  When I sing a song, my cousin Jesus can hear all the way in heaven.
• My Personal Favorite: If I could choose one place to go on my mission, it would be Richfield.  I would really like teaching people about the church and passing the sacrament.

Indian Summer - A Potpourri of Thoughts

Summer Fun/Filth:

Wasn't today absolutely perfect!  My kids spent every second of it outside as if they can sense that they need to squeeze every ounce out of summer because cold is right around the corner.  Let me just show you how much Macy enjoyed it (the pictures don't do it justice - black was dripping off of her in the tub):

Things to Notice: Dirt across forehead and both cheeks, 10 BLACK fingers, 10 filthy toes, one bleeding stubbed toe, snap undone on skirt, zipper down, hair - enough said, and you can't smell through the computer - but just think of "Summer Kid Smell" (a combination of soil and maple syrup), and don't my begonias look gorgeous!

10 minutes to sunset and 2 minutes to bath-time (still so adorable):

GROSS:

Just to show you that my children do, occasionally, bathe, here are some pictures that I took for my photo class.  I know that they are "posed" and not nearly as interesting to me as "capturing the moment," but they do look clean!  (Paige needs a new backdrop - too much blue.  But, honestly, I didn't think she would sit on that stool for 2 seconds!)

Some Fun Images:

My mom and her sisters went to Escalante and brought back "Vintage Heaven".  They salvaged all they could.  Apparently, when I was a little girl, I asked one of my great-uncle's for an antique dresser.  My adorable mother remembered and rewarded my snottiness by bringing home the dresser and stunning mirror.  Now I need to learn how to refinish wood so they can come into the house from the garage.  They brought home old dishes, spice cans, chairs, furniture, kitchen utensils, etc.  It was pretty neat!  These are two pictures of some of the antiques that I turned in as my "Texture" assignment for my class.  One is an amazing glass, layered dish.  I LOVE the colors.  The other is a small box of old thread (about 50 years old).  Aren't they fabulous!

We had an assignment in juxtaposition, or a comparison of contrast.  I wanted to take a picture of some of our garden goods, so I came up with this picture.  Greg was just shocked and thrilled that I actually purchased Twinkies!  (I do want to reach into the picture and straighten the plate with the veggies.  Arggg!)

Women's Conference:

Maddie, Alexie, my mom, and I went down to the Conference Center for General Relief Society Meeting tonight.  I have actually never been to a session in the Conference Center.  It is amazing!  My brother drove us down, and we got stuck in traffic, so we got out of the car in the middle of the street at a stoplight (a few people honked - I like to think that it is because we looked so dang hot and not because we were being illegal) and booked it to the Conference Center.  A few highlights for me:

• Cell phone shots!  I was concentrating so hard on holding my head out so I wouldn't have three chins.  

• Chocolate cake for dessert and my mom paid the babysitter (thanks Mom).  Go Utes, right honey?!?
• Chatting with Maddie on the way home about what to do with your life when you are 19.  My opinion is that this is the only time that is really hers.  She is an adult and doesn't have to answer to my parents, but she isn't married yet.  I love being married, but your focus definitely changes to "us" instead of "me" (as well it should!).  I think she should live, and do the things she wants to do right now.  She is so adorable, and we just love her to pieces.  I hope she can figure out her "calling."
• I love singing with such a huge group.  It was incredible to me as we all stood and sang "Now Let Us Rejoice."  There is just something about adding your voice to thousands of others.  I felt a direct kinship with everyone in that building.  I enjoy the choirs okay, but I wish we sang more together.
  
• Being in the same room as a Prophet of God.  Even though President Monson didn't speak and I was so far up that I could hardly see him, there is just something about being in His presence.  He had on this very cool grey suit, and I can just feel the love that radiates from him.  When I lived in New York, I remember my Branch President saying that we should, "walk, run, even crawl if necessary, do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the Prophet."  How true is that statement!  
• Sister Beck tells it like it is.  I can tell that she loves us and appreciates us, but she lets us know that we need to take it up a notch.  I think it is so refreshing to hear her be so brutally honest.
• I was incredibly humbled as I thought about five days straight on a bus, four borders, three days in the Mesa temple, five days straight on a bus, crackers and margarine to eat, waiting 26 years for a temple closer to home.  I will be in the temple Tuesday morning at 6 a.m.  Anyone want to join me?
• I love Elder Uchrdorf!  I was so inspired by his talk.  My favorite quote of the night: "I believe that as you immerse yourselves in the work of our Father, as you create beauty, and as you are compassionate to others, God will encircle you in the arms of His love.  Discouragement, inadequacy, and worry-ness will give way to a life of meaning, grace, and fulfillment.  As spirit daughters of our Heavenly Father, happiness is your heritage...You are choice daughters of our Heavenly Father, and through the things you create and by your compassionate service, you are a great power for good.  You will make the world a better place."
• My new mantra: "Lift up your chin!  Walk tall!  God loves you!"

One More Thing:

Oh yeah - I got bit by a dog today...Seriously...It wasn't just a little nip, it was a bite!  I was dropping off the Sacrament Meeting insert for tomorrow, and the girl was trying to keep her dog inside by using her legs.  She was struggling, so I put my leg up to help and the dog bit me!  It hurt for about an hour.  It didn't draw blood, but it's been about six hours and you can still see the imprints of the dogs teeth on my ankle.  Pretty sure it's going to bruise.  My dad thinks I need a tetanus shot.  Do I?  Colette, aren't you the expert on dog bites?  What do you think? 

Search, Ponder, and Pray

I spend much too much time on the "Ponder" when I should be doing more searching and praying.  I spend so much time in my own head that sometimes it makes me crazy.  I know it makes my husband crazy at times.  Usually, whenever I say, "So...I've been thinking," it is followed with an "Oh no...What now?"  Sometimes, however, I am interesting and he becomes completely engrossed by my thoughts.

About a month ago, my husband and I were spending the weekend with his family at the Bear Lake "Cabin".  We have the most adorable nieces that are 17, 17, and 16.  Anyway, while we were there, they got into some trouble.  They got ripped a good one by one of their mothers in front of everybody.   I won't go into details, but I will say that I can see both sides of the argument (Side 1: Parents of Teenagers; Side 2: Teenagers Themselves).  They broke a family rule, but I don't think that what they did was that bad.  In fact, I don't think it was bad at all, maybe just a bit careless.  When my mother-in-law asked one of them about it later, she said, "A lot of times, I think I am making the right decision, but it turns out to be the wrong decision."  

How true is that statement (especially for 2-year-olds and teenagers)!  I've been thinking about it all month.  There have been so many times when I think that I'm making the right decision and people get offended or my intention is misunderstood.  I feel like this happens frequently with my church calling or my interaction with people in family.  Other times, I think I am saying the right thing to a child, and the next thing I know, there are tears and I don't even know where I went wrong.  I go into something (like teaching piano to Austin) with the best of intentions (being patient and loving), but I end up completely impatient and threatening that I'm not going to do this anymore.  Why is this?  Why is it so difficult for me to just be loving and patient?!?

A lot of you have heard this theory, but I'm writing it anyway:  People are not all bad!  I know that doesn't sound very groundbreaking, but I think it is one thing that complicates life.  Oftentimes, in the movies or in books, there is a very clear line between "good" and "evil."  We went to a melodrama this summer, and it was so much fun!  The kids had a blast booing and hissing at the villain as he entered the stage in his black suit, twisted fake mustache, and evil expression on his face.  They also had fun cheering and clapping for the beautiful maiden, dressed in white, with a twinkle in her eye and gorgeous smile.  One of our family's favorite movies is "The Great Race."  It is a clever, comical melodrama (and a really fun family movie if you want to check it out).  It is hilarious simply because the hero and the villain are so drastically one-dimensional.  But, in reality, people are much more complicated.       

People make mistakes; I make mistakes.  Sometimes, these are really big mistakes.  Sometimes, these "bad choices" (as my kids would call them) hurt other people to the core.  Yet I never wake up and think, "Who can I really hurt today?" or "Which one of my children can I scar for life this morning?"  Every morning, I get out of bed thinking to myself that it is a new day and I am going to do better today than yesterday.  Since I am an optimist by nature, I assume that the very large majority of people do not exist to intentionally hurt other people.  I sincerely believe that there is good in everybody.  Every person has been born with the light of Christ, and even the most evil people (I'm being dramatic here and talking about terrorists or a Hitler-type) are children of our Heavenly Father and He still loves them.  

I've tried to hate people before.  It doesn't work very well for me.  Mostly because despite the many ways that I have been hurt by them, I can see the good.  I also know my weaknesses and pray that those people that I have inadvertently offended will see the good in me as well.  I also know the peace that comes with finally letting something go and fully forgiving.  I know the peace that comes with finally letting something go and completely repenting of my own sins.  

This is where I've been all month.  My goal for October:  Do a lot more searching and praying to strike a balance and learn how to be a more loving, kind person.  

I Don't Get Facebook

So, against my wonderful husband's wishes, I decided not to host a private blog anymore.  I have been so touched and enriched by the stories and lives of people that I don't even know, that I figured to lift the "private" ban.  We'll see how it goes.  

Also...I don't get Facebook.  Can somebody educate me?

Fall Family Fun

A couple of weeks ago, I skipped out on making dinner (for the kids), and picked up some pizza.  We decided to have a picnic in the backyard and enjoy the nice September weather (finally).  It was so pleasant.  I just lounged on the blanket and enjoyed watching my rag-a-muffin kiddos enjoy their carefree evening.

Definition: Rag-a-muffin = My Sweet Paige

You know before you had kids, when you were the perfect parent and knew exactly how you'd react in every situation (and it was always with an extremely level-head and unbelievable patience) and you said things like, "My child will never..."  Come on - You know you did it.  I always say that I was the perfect parent before I had kids. Now that you have kids (and you realize more and more with every child you have that you actually know nothing about parenting), you end up eating your words.  Well...This night was one of those times when I was eating more than pizza.  Just look at my daughter!  Never-mind the hair (Pebbles Flinstone anyone), notice the extremely full diaper, the dirty shirt, and the face - What can you say about that face.  She and Austin downed an entire bag of Crazy Bread all by themselves.  Of course, I'm not too sure how much of it ended up on the inside.

This is our peach tree that produced peaches for the first year.  Yay!  Greg picked the good peaches (ones that had not been eaten by the birds - every time I come outside, 20 birds fly out of that tree - Crazy) and set them aside.  Then, he showed Austin how to throw the rotten ones (ones that had fallen out of the tree on their own) over the fence.  We have a canal road behind us - and we're lazy.  Thinking he was helping, Austin threw a pile of peaches over the fence.  They happened to be all the good ones.  Valiant effort, Bud!

Last week, Alexie invited us to go bowling one Friday afternoon.  My kids live for bowling.  They absolutely love it.  All I have to say is that I am WAY better at Wii bowling than real-life bowling.  But it was still fun, and the kids get insanely excited whenever any of the pins fall down.  It took Abby a while to warm up, but I think she had fun in the end.

Macy's pictures are in real time.  Yes...I know that this is a still photograph.  

Harvest Time

I love this time of year!  We have a very small garden, and I should spend more time in there giving it the TLC that it so desperately needs, but I absolutely love going in the backyard and picking fresh, ripe fruits and veggies.  In addition to the zucchini, tomatoes, and carrots, we enjoyed some delicious corn-on-the-cob, basil, some spinach, the sweetest cherry tomatoes, and a couple of peaches (although the birds have enjoyed those more than we have - I guess we need to spray next year).  We also have our very own pumpkins growing, and it looks like we'll have enough for every person in our family to carve their very own Jack-O-Lantern.  

We've got an abundance of tomatoes, some zucchini, butternut squash, and carrots if anyone wants anything!  Just stop by or leave a comment and I'll send my kids with their basket of "organic", fresh veggies.

Spotlight: My Grateful Moment

We have the greatest neighbors!  This was my Grateful Moment from last Friday, but it was too good not to have its very own post:

9/12: Today I'm grateful for our neighbor, Meagan (aka Martha Stewart) who followed the promptings of the spirit and sent over two huge pieces of chocolate cake at 9:30 tonight.  Just a half and hour earlier, I was scouring the house for the perfect little goodie - but gave up because the "piano treats" were not satisfying my need.  This chocolate cake was unreal!  Greg took one bite and exclaimed, "What kind of chocolate does she use?!?  This is better than dessert at a restaurant!"  It really was the best piece of chocolate cake I have ever eaten.  I tried to eat slowly to savor every bite.  I ran to the post office (trying to make the 10 p.m. deadline), leaving Greg completely content with his chocolate cake and contemplating how lucky Eric is to be married to Superwoman!  Thanks Meagan!  You truly are amazing!

My Husband

I came upstairs yesterday after I heard the garage door indicating that Greg had come home from his meeting.  This is what I found:

Paige had destroyed his Lego ship that he had made with Austin earlier that morning.  He walked in and found it shattered on the kitchen floor.  How cute is he that he fixed it right away!  To Austin's credit, he did fix it twice (while Greg was gone) after Paige-zilla attacked.  I guess he gave up after that.
Here he is with his truest love.  Dads and their little girls.  Ahhhh......

September 11, 2001

I guess it is like when Kennedy was shot or when man first stepped on the moon (although I was not born when either of those events happened), but I hear people say that they will never forget where they were when it happened.  I do remember watching the launch of the Challenger Spaceship.  I was sitting in 3rd grade with Mrs. Middlemas.  (You spell her name like "Beginning...Middle...Ending" and it ends with "mas" just like the end of "Christmas" - that's how she taught us.  Isn't it strange the things that we choose to remember.)  I remember sitting in her class watching the old TV on a metal stand and watching her race from her desk up to the front of the room to turn the knobs as fast as she could to try to turn it off.  But, it was too late.  Third grade...nine years old...It was the first time I remember witnessing tragedy.

  *     *     *

Greg called me just after he got to work and asked if I was watching TV.  I said, "No," and he told me to turn it on.  I flipped on Matt Lauer and Katie Couric on the Today Show just after the first plane struck and everybody still thought it was a terrible accident.  I was sitting on the couch with my 2-month-old baby boy in the bassinet.  I talked to Greg for a while so he could catch me up on the story.  Then, he hung up and I continued to watch.  Then, I remember watching the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower.  I'm pretty sure that I gasped audibly although nobody was there to hear it.  All of the theories started pouring in as reports from the Pentagon, Pennsylvania, and various airports started emerging.  Then...I watched the first tower fall.  I picked up my sweet, innocent, perfect little baby (even though he was sleeping) and I just held him and sobbed.  It was a very emotional day for me (and millions of other Americans) as I watched my beloved New York fall to pieces...literally.  

Greg came home early; I got reports from Lisa about friends that we knew in New York and some that even worked in the World Trade Center; I held my baby all day and wondered what kind of a world he was being given.  Six weeks later, I went to New York with my sweet little baby and saw Ground Zero - still smoldering.  It was a very humbling, sad, and gratifying experience.  I've always found New Yorkers incredibly hospitable, but this time was different.  We got on the Subway with my 4-month-old and my friend's two toddlers, and rows would be cleared immediately, several people helped us with our strollers, and all was done with a smile and a "God bless" (and sometimes a kiss on either cheek - I love New Yorkers!).  Incidentally, when I moved back to Utah, it took me a while to break the kissing habit.  I often caught myself when I would go to kiss someone's cheek only to realize that they didn't know the custom and I would come off incredibly "forward."  Sometimes I wish we all greeted each other with two kisses.  Wouldn't that be a great world?!?

I tried to find an image to accompany this post, but it was too difficult for me to look at them.  I get very emotional whenever I hear "God Bless America," and I am aware of our vulnerability.  It makes me realize that all we can do is trust in God, have faith in His plan and in His son, Jesus Christ, and live a happy, fulfilling life instead of give in to fear.  Thank you to all of you who have bravely fought for our country.  Thank you to all of you who are still fighting for our life, liberty, and freedom.  Thank you to all of the families that have sacrificed a son, daughter, father, mother, husband, wife - some for a few years of honorable service and some have made the ultimate sacrifice.  Thank you to all of you that go to work every day with the sole purpose to keep my family safe.  I was touched today as a policeman knelt down in a bookstore to help me with my toddler.  He then held the door for me as I left with books and baby in tow.  A small gesture, but a good reminder that you are there...to help.  Thank you and know that I am keenly aware of blessings and freedoms that I have because of what you do.  I feel a heavy responsibility to teach this gratitude and legacy to my children.  Thank you and God Bless.    

An Actual Conversation

I walked by the bathroom the other day and witnessed the following:

Greg: "You know what...It's not really ever a good idea to stick your entire arm in the toilet."

Macy: Standing next to the toilet with arm dripping and Greg frantically finding a towel, "But my fingers were all sticky."

Nice!  

Paige's Busy Day

Paige cracks me up - ALL DAY!  These are just a few highlights from Tuesday:

• Paige locked herself in my closet while I was in the shower.  Our closet is in our bathroom, and I heard her go in there and shut the door (she is crazy about shutting doors).  I had shampoo in my hair, so I called her name and she answered - confirming that she really was in the closet and I knew the light was NOT on.  I finished my shower, got out, and opened the door just a crack.  I see four little fingers, crazy hair, and two little eyes and hear "Peek-oo Mommy.  Peek-oo" followed by a little giggle.  She was locked in the closet for a few minutes without any light and she didn't even cry!  Sweetness!
• Paige learned how to undress herself today.  Every time I saw her, she had her shirt off, shorts off, and had attempted to push her diaper off.  As a result, you saw just about an inch of "crack."  Adorable!  
• Paige is absolutely obsessed with the potty.  Every time she walks by, she says, "Bye bye pooh-pooh.  Bye bye."  Yesterday, she insisted on sitting on the potty.  She probably sat there for 5 minutes.  Every time I reached out my hands to help her off and ask if she was "All Done?" she pushed my hand away and said "No, Mommy. No."  Nothing happened, but she did wear Ariel panties over her diaper the rest of the day.  She seemed content with that.  Hilarious!I've been playing around with the settings on my camera, and I got "stuck" (accidentally) between two settings, and this was the result.  WAY over-exposed, but kind of a cool way to modestly display a picture of my Sweetness on the potty.  
• Paige climbed up on the bed where Max (2 months) was lying.  She brought a bee toy (you pull the string and it vibrates).  She kept saying, "Baby, Mommy.  Baby."  She made certain that her head was directly next to his, and she pulled the string for "baby."  So loving!
• Paige loves, loves, loves to color.  She's pretty good at keeping it on paper and her body.  With pen or marker all over her belly, arms, and legs, she looked at me and said, "Uh oh, Mommy.  Uh oh" - as if it was some grand accident.  Beautiful!
• Paige has decided that if you push the Speaker button on the phone, it will automatically get Dad.  I caught her walking around (naked of course) with the dial tone blaring, the Speaker light flashing red, and Paige: "Hi Dad.  Hi."  Clever!
• Paige sat on my lap for 20 minutes and occupied herself by putting plastic shapes down my shirt, saying (with her arms out) "Where go, Mommy?  Where go?" and fishing them out again.  When they had all mysteriously disappeared, she said, "All dumb (done) Mommy.  All dumb."  Well said!

A Couple of Thoughts Before Bed

• I wore a new shirt today, and I didn't notice that the tag was still on it until I took it off tonight.  So, in my mind, I'm just quickly running through all the places that I actually went today to decide if I should be embarrassed or not.  
  

• Most of the time, I love the blogging world.  But, sometimes, I get Blog-Surfing, and I start to feel so miniscule, hokey, and like everything I do is mediocre (at best). 

• I'm on a hunt for the perfect bedding.  We have lived in our home for 8 years.  I guess it's time to decorate.  I have some ideas in my head (I'm horrible at decorating), but I need to pick out the bedding first and then select a paint color and accessories.  I don't want anything "typical" (I refuse to buy another "Bed in a Bag").  Does anyone have any ideas of a store or fun website?

• I've decided to start up my earring collection again.  When I was in high school and college, I used to collect off-the-wall earrings.  Some of them were vintage, some were unique, and some were just downright cheap (I bought these brown, plastic clip-ons once just because they were 19 cents).  I have since let my daughter get into the collection.  Let me just say that there were very few survivors, but stunningly accessorized dress-up tea parties.  I used to be fun.  I used to be goofy.  I want to find that part of myself again.  

The Cause of Motherhood

I don't generally pass along e-mail stories, but my sister-in-law sent this to me, and I really loved it.  I don't know if it's true; but I like the analogy anyway.  A friend of mine, who has three girls, has made the comment to me (a couple of times) that she's grateful to mothers who are raising kind, responsible boys for her daughters to marry.  I've caught myself pondering this statement often.  I rely on all of you mothers so much in helping me with ideas on how to best teach and help my children NOW.  But, we are bound by so much more.  One day, one of your daughters will the be the mother of my grandchildren.  One day, your sons will marry my beautiful daughters.  Your sons and daughters will be teachers, business partners, friends, college roommates, etc. to my children.  I am so indebted to each one of you who sacrifice so much for the cause of motherhood.  I am so indebted to each one of you because I have no way of telling just how many of you are now or will in the future touch the lives of our little family.  Thank you for your sacrifices and all that you teach me!

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'  I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but nowthey had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.  It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my ownself-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.  I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Oil for Sale (Free Actually)

Does anyone like the scents of vanilla and/or spice.  I bought two bamboo oil scent things to put in my bathrooms today, and I just can't handle the aroma.  I have a VERY difficult time with any scent.  I don't own any perfume (and I can't stand it when I sit next to someone in a choir or on an airplane who does wear it), I wear unscented deodorant, and I threw out two huge bottles of Oil of Olay body wash one time because I couldn't stand the smell.  As you can see, it is totally me and not really the smell of anything.  (Greg actually likes the smell of the bathrooms now.)  Anyway...I don't know what I was thinking buying these oils, but I have been dizzy with a headache all day.  I hate to just throw them out.  Does anyone want them?  Let me know and I'll bring them right over.  

My Fave!

This is my favorite image from our annual Burr Family Labor Day Bear Lake End of Summer Get Together (BFLDBLEOSGT for short).  Austin had this knee-board that he turned over so he could "surf."  I love it when I just get to sit and "observe" my kids loving life - especially the beach.  I love it when I can almost see the wheels turning in their cute little heads.  

Poor kid!  I wasn't thinking straight, and the area where his cast was got extremely burned.  It didn't even occur to me that the skin on his arm hasn't seen the light of day in over a month.  It was bright red in the perfect outline of his cast.  Oops!  Love you, Bud!