For those of you that don't know, I really love baseball. I don't follow it like I used to (we don't have any sports channels and I do have more responsibilities then when I was 17), but there is still nothing like being at a baseball game. I grew up watching my dad play, and we were taught that you ALWAYS root for the Giants and the Red Sox, and NEVER for the Dodgers or the Yankees. Luckily, I married into a "Giants" family. A few years ago, Greg and I went to San Francisco for the weekend with our dads. Greg's dad gets tickets to several games a year, and he graciously flew us all out there. Even though I am 30-something and have my own house, my own husband, and my own kids, there really are no words to describe how much I love sitting at a baseball game next to my dad. He watches it like a player, and it is so much fun for me to watch him watch the game. 
Anyway...The metaphor really made me think. As most of you know, I am a Recovering Perfectionist, and I just wish getting it right 3 out of 10 times when it comes to parenting was considered "great." Somehow, when it comes to parenting, I can't even bat .300. I spend most of my evenings lamenting my day with my kids and vowing to do better the next day, but then the next day comes, and I just fall into my same old patterns and attitudes. Why is it so hard for me? I only have three kids, all of whom are "normal," spaced fairly evenly apart, and I can't do it! Why can't I do it? Why does a child have to get yelled at for taking more than 2 minutes to get pajamas on? Why does another child have to get sent to her room for the day for saying "no" to her mother? Why can't I just live in the moment, instead of constantly thinking about what "needs" to be done? Why can't I give them what they need? How come I can't even figure out what they need?
Another main theme of this movie was trying to be "like everybody else" - That is isn't necessarily the ideal. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. In my "clear-thinking mode" (after the kids have gone to bed or when we are away from them, like on a date or something), I desperately want to help them become the people that they were sent to earth to be. For all I know, they are the more righteous, courageous, creative, and/or vigilant spirits. But, they also have to learn certain things to succeed in this life. I can't seem to find a balance between teaching them to be responsible adults and letting them be their own, individual people who learn and develop at their own pace. I think I'm a pretty good mom for all the "business" things: I do make dinner almost every night, homework gets done, kids get driven to lessons, the floors get vacuumed (occasionally); I feel like I am completely failing at the mom stuff that really matters: Truly connecting with my children, listening to them, just being with them (even if they are bouncing through the house like a Velociraptor), naturally teaching them what I believe through example instead of threatening, bribing, or scaring them into "learning." I feel so much pressure for them to act certain ways and be able to do certain things.
I am at my wits end with Macy. Her behavior is downright embarrassing. I feel like I have to constantly apologize to her church teachers and her friend's parents. She constantly says snotty things, she throws a fit whenever she is asked to do ANYTHING - even the simplest request is met with whines and excuses, she doesn't speak nicely to her friends, and she completely ignores anything that comes out of my mouth. She has turned into such a brat. And I created it! I don't know how, but I did. And Austin just completely dumbfounds me. He has this look when he's pushed and pushed and pushed and it finally goes too far (this happens several times a day). He looks like a little puppy dog who is pouting - and it isn't adorable! We are reading the most darling book together, and there is naturally "evil" versus "good." You should see the way his eyes perk up when the evil rat is speaking. It's like he's taking it in and learning from this evil rat in this adorable children's novel. Why? Why does he spend most of his energy trying to figure out how much he can get away with, and how he can hide all the naughty things that he's done? Paige is still adorable, but I know that one day she'll be just like this, and I am so sad that I don't know how to teach her differently - that I don't know how not to make the same mistakes I made with the other two.
The thing that frustrates me the most is that these aren't even "real" problems, and I still can't handle it. A lot of you are probably thinking, "Yeah...We have kids, too. We know what you're talking about." But, most evenings I just feel complete despair. I feel like I'm completely failing. It is almost impossible for me to look back on my day and recognize something that I did to positively impact my children (except for clean toilet seats). Why can't I laugh more? Why can't I just let things go!?! Why can't I let my children see who I really am, instead of "mom"? Greg has been editing videos and we've been watching snippets from when Austin and Macy were babies. I wish you could have seen me! I was such a good, fun, loving mom when Austin was a baby and toddler. I was excited for the day, and I was completely smitten with this little guy. I woke up with great anticipation to see what he would do or say that day. I had energy, and I wasn't afraid of what the day would bring. What happened to that person?
Sorry for the sob story. You are all probably sick of reading posts like this. I know that I am certainly sick of writing them. I'm just really struggling with this parenting thing, and it is just going to get more difficult. I'm just so frustrated and embarrassed. Even though they don't mean it, I can see the look of utter disappointment on my parent's faces when I "lose it" and I see that look on Greg's face, too. It breaks my heart. I'm not the kind of person that I want to be (and I might be a little premenstrual - don't you think!?!).
12 comments:
Oh Emily. You are so honest in your postings. But once again, I must say that you are too hard on yourself. We all have problems with our kids. Claire is a snotty little brat also and says not so nice things. I had to send Maddie home the other day because Claire was being so mean and rude to her. Spence tells me that whenever the kids yell at me or throw a fit, etc that they need to just go to their room. I told him it would be a lot easier to follow through with that if we lived in a rambler! I'm sorry, but the kids are getting too heavy to carry (kicking and screaming) up 13 stairs to their room. And then have to sit there and hold the door shut. Sometimes I just ask myself if it's worth the fight. Lately we have used their bikes as punishment. We just hang them up if they misbehave.
I understand about feeling like you never laugh with the kids. It is hard for me to let things go and just play with them. I like a clean house and feel like I have to get it done before any time is spent with them. The other day I was baking cookies (that's all I ever do) and an old rock song by Guns n Roses came on. (I used to be a rocker chic....) I started rocking out and dancing around the kitchen with the kids and they LOVED it. Just the little things like that I need to spend more time doing.
Sometimes Spence picks on the kids for tiny stupid stuff. I just look at him and say "Don't sweat the small stuff." You just have to wonder if the shoes sitting on the floor is worth the fighting. No, they're not. (That's why I have such a problem with following through with punishments like groundings. I'm a sucker and let the kids out of it.)
Anyhow, I don't know what I'm rambling about and trying to say. I guess- just hang in there and know that we all have the same thoughts and feelings. They are normal and part of being a parent. :-)
I know what you mean about "the look" that breaks your heart when you lose it. My parents don't see us enough to really understand my frustrations, but I can tell when Lorin feels like I got mad for no reason & it happens to him as well. It just depends on who's temper is more stable at the moment.
I think you do great & you do a good job about blogging the good & the bad. Like taking Austin skiing - sometimes we over look the good days & only remember the bad. All I can say is that sometimes I feel the same way you do & only have one child! I feel like I don't teach Polly enough, I am more worried about a clean house that reading her books or going to the park, etc etc. I can't imagine how far behind I will be when (if) I have three!
Oh my Emily! I think that you just wrote exactly how I feel! As I sit here with tears streaming down my face - I am so happy to know that I am not alone! I have the exact same problems with my 5 year old. I want to teach him how to be a normal human on this planet, but he seems to want to be the only alien out there. If you ever find the answer, please let me know - I have been looking for it for 2 years. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk, I am your gal!
Love ya,
Mary
Emily, as I read this it feels like you've either been a fly on the wall at our house or have been able to read my mind (both of which are fairly scary prospects, I assure you). :) You've put into words things I wonder about and agonize over almost daily too. You are not alone. I struggle a lot with Heather too...about friends, chores, minding, attitude. I think part of the problem is my expecatations are not matching up with reality and I keep thinking I can fix that, but I just keep going about it the wrong way somehow.
However, let me say this. I think you are a great mom. You do so many wonderful things with and for your kids. Your love for them shows through in everything you do.
I loved Ali Petersen's talk on Sunday and thought she was probalby talking just to me. I've been trying very hard since then to do better. I talked to Ali for a few minutes yesterday and told her how much her talk meant to me and she was telling me about a book she read on the subject. I'm going to go out and get it. It's called "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better", by Gary and Joy Lundberg. I'm looking forward to reading it. :)
You could be premenstrual!? But you know what else? It could be that each child is just in a really difficult phase right now and they're going through it all at the same time. How long have you felt this way? It's hard to laugh and be in the moment when you're kids' behavior leads you to believe that they're going to grow up and be completely dysfunctional. (I'm speaking of MY OWN experience.) It's hard to find the humor and joy when kids are disobedient or bratty. You didn't create these problems. Keep telling yourself that. Sometimes kids are just bratty. For months at a time, even. I know I didn't help, but I just want you to know I'm here listening and wishing I had the answers for you.
I watched "Martian" while folding laundry a couple of weeks ago! I liked it too. And I loved the way John Cusak's character managed to become a dad. So different than me - he just offered love and let things happen from there (I, on the other hand, am a control freak who wants my kids to be exactly what I tell them to be). That whole idea has helped me loosen up a little, I think. Your blog was a good reminder.
It's like you just wrote how I feel so often. I think all mom's do.
And I totally agree with jackie...you're way too hard on yourself. You are such a fabulous mom! And friend, and sister, and daughter, and we all know you're a fab wife. :)
Oh man, Emily, If I could just be half the mom you are I'd be esctatic. I, jealously, admire your patience (yes, you are very much so:), your faith, your perseverance, your wits, talents, etc... All I can say is that I really feel like parenting is a HUGE humbling experience. Just as you figure out a trial or test more are added. Don't forget that being a mom is the biggest job in the world and we (mom's) tend to beat ourselves down worse than anyone else could. Pat yourself on the back (if you don't I will) because you are doing wonderful job. I truly believe that you will see the fruits of your example. You will see it in the way your kids raise theirs. I find myself repeating phrases from my childhood. Brian does the same thing. He'll say things I've heard his mom say. You are wonderful!!!! Keep it up!!!
Thank you… thank you… thank you! I can't tell you ladies how appreciative I am for your comments. I hope that Emily reads your comments over and over again and realizes that she is not alone. Your encouragement and support is a great blessing to our family. For Emily to know that she is not the only mother that feels insecure about parenting is a huge deal. HUGE!
If her own emotional beatings showed up as bruises I would have a totally purple wife! I love Emily so much and think that she is the most wonderful woman on this planet. She is an amazing mother and wife. The kids adore her and are quick to forgive when things go awry… She has such a hard time forgiving herself.
I was 28 when we got married and dated a plethora (love that word) of girls… Hey, I even made it through BYU a single man… Anyway, nobody made me feel as good as she did. I told her that I knew she was the one for me because I never got sick of being around her… I have learn to love more deeply than I ever thought imaginable. Even with the emotional rollercoaster ride of marriage I know that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I still feel the same way… Emily, you are my strength and eternal companion. I love you so much and still never get sick of being around you.
Greg- You are awesome! I love your open support of Emily and your comments. You guys seem like you have such a strong marriage. You're great!
I must've missed this post. Just know that you are not alone. I don't know a mother out there that doesn't feel the same way you do, in that we are complete failures. But this is a whole new experience for us too! You've had what?...7 years of practice? Heavenly Father knows this - he didn't send us these spirits so that we could care for them perfectly, he sent them to us so that we could learn and fail and pick ourselves up again determined to do better. I think you are a great mom, and gauranteed your kids won't grow up saying, "man, my mom really screwed me up!" They love you and they think you are the best mommy ever - HUGS!
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