I just have to get something off my chest. I've talked about it a little bit, but I purposely haven't said what I've needed to say because I didn't want to sound petty, judgemental, gossipy, overly-sensitive, etc. But, I just can't seem to get it off my mind. I know I need to blog about it so I can move past it, so here goes.
Last week at church, I had a woman come up to me and mention that she has "noticed that my son has special needs." It was one of those situations where I was just so stunned by the comment that I didn't quite know how to respond. I won't go into details, but the situation has resolved itself without confrontation, for which I am grateful.
First of all, I know that this woman didn't intentionally mean to offend. It was seriously just the most bizarre conversation I've ever had though. My good friend, Molly, was on bed rest two years ago with her third child, who died after having lived just two weeks. I have rarely seen anyone with as much strength and faith as she displayed during her time on bed rest. I visited her often, and during one of our visits, she just had to get some things off her chest. People say the strangest things to you when you are going through a trial, and a lot of people said downright ridiculous things to her. The reality was that they just didn't fully understand her situation, and Molly knew that. I think of that conversation often when people say really strange things. Even though it hurt, I know it wasn't said with intentional malice.
Having said that, it still hurt to my core. My heart just drops into my stomach whenever I think about it. It drives me crazy that people "notice" my son. And I don't know many people that would ever come up to me and be that blunt about it. Then, in all my insecurity, I start wondering how many other people have "noticed" but haven't said anything. It's just so hard for me that he stands out. At church today, he really wasn't that out of control. His teacher didn't show up for Singing Time/Sharing Time, so he and his class were alone. And there were other kids in his class that were being a little rowdy. But, I was so cognizant of his behavior, because I knew I couldn't take another comment like the one last week. He was blurting out answers, climbing all over his chair, stomping his feet, etc. I was just so aware of his behavior. I really just can't figure this out rationally. I'm too emotionally involved to analyze the situation.
I read a blog about a little boy with Asbergers, and I greatly appreciate it. I don't know his mother, but I hope to meet her one day and tell her how inspiring her entries are. Austin has never been diagnosed with Asbergers, but he does show signs and some similarities. More than a couple of people have mentioned to me that they think he might have it. It is so hard for me to figure out. Is his behavior just because he's a boy? I don't know. I've never had a boy, or really been around boys that much. Will he just "grow out of it"? Or, is something really wrong? Should I have more tests done and insist that doctor's dig deeper? If something comes up, what do we do about it? Do I put him on medication? That kind of stuff scares me to death! Do I just keep praying and trying to teach him cause and affect? Do I do what Grandma Morgan recommends (thanks for the reminder, Kim) and just love him so much more deeply?
We are going to Rexburg tomorrow to go to the Temple Open House, so I was telling the kids about it. Macy thought she was going to see Greg and I get married. After much conversation about the fact that we already are married, I decided to show her our wedding video. As a result, Greg put some old home videos on after the kids went to bed. We watched some of Austin's Blessing Day. How much did we love that little baby! It just breaks my heart to see how he had just captured our hearts from Day 1. He was two months old, and Greg was still giddy to be around him (Greg does all the video recording and narration). I have to get that back! I have to love him totally unconditionally no matter what! He is this person who can't stop moving, and it makes me crazy sometimes, but I can't let that get in the way of giving him and showing him the love he deserves. Maybe I was just so affected by that comment because I believe it and it's hard for me to deal with.
After all my rambling, I've decided something this past week. I am done "noticing" negative things in other people! I am only going to "notice" the positive. It doesn't do any good for me to make an observation about another person's flaws. They know what they are, and they certainly don't need me pointing it out, even if I try to do it in a seemingly harmless way. If I have ever said anything to anyone that was insensitive and offended you, I sincerely apologize. I expect all of you to help me keep this promise: I will only notice the positive in other people!
Thanks for listening (as always)!