I'm Doing My Best (A Combination of a Gripe Session/Pep Talk)

Okay...So I was asked to sing "O Holy Night" at tonight's Christmas Enrichment Night. Normally, this would not be an issue, but I've kind of been freaking out about it the past couple of days. When I studied voice, I actually studied this song and performed it (that was about 14 years ago!!!). So, as I've been practicing, I've been trying to remember everything I learned...once upon a time. In all honesty, I haven't had much time to practice. Correction: I haven't taken much time to practice.

I feel like I am doing my best lately to just keep my head above water (this is the "Gripe Session" portion). The end of the year is an extremely stressful time for Primary. We are still trying to throw one more activity together before the end of the year, we are arranging special lessons for the last three weeks of the year because the manual ends next week, we are still short teachers for two classes, and we have to prepare all new classes for next year (organizing children, teachers, and manuals). In addition to this, I am figuring out the budget to make sure all the receipts have been turned in and to ensure that all our money has been spent...wisely. It's just a lot at this time of year. In addition to Primary, I'm trying to keep up with school stuff, prepare for Christmas, and I just can't seem to stay on top of the housework.

Also...The accompaniment is not the traditional arrangement of the song. It is actually a very pretty arrangement, but the cues are just a little bit different. Also, we are using the CD with the accompaniment already provided. This works great, but I need a CD Player to practice. The kids have CD Players in their bedrooms so they can listen to music at bedtime, but they are not exactly state-of-the-art models. Considering it is a CD Player for a three-year-old, I walk into Walmart, walk down the CD Player isle, and pick out the cheapest one possible. It doesn't exactly come with all the bells and whistles, so I can't rewind within the song - I have to start from the beginning each time.

Much of my frustration came on Sunday from the very sweet lady who asked me to sing. She is a very accomplished singer. On Sunday, she mentioned that every time she sings a solo, she practices for about an hour a day and memorizes everything. So...I have been feeling pressure for three days thinking that I need to memorize this piece and try to practice an hour a day. (I know I should be able to easily memorize "O Holy Night," but it is all three verses and it is the music that is difficult to memorize. It's just a little different every verse.) Why do I feel like I have to live up to this other woman? It is so ridiculous. I think it is wonderful that she can prepare so well, but it just isn't realistic for me. So, while Macy was at a friend's house and Austin was at school, I decided to put in some good practice time. I put my sweet Paige on Austin's floor and proceeded to practice. Apparently, I really need to vacuum Austin's room. I probably had to bend over and dig something out of her mouth...oh, I don't know...15 times. There were pieces of paper, bark from the school playground, legos, magnets. Keep in mind that all of these items are incomprehensible to the human eye, but a crawling baby can dig anything up. I'm trying to focus on breath energy while chasing Paige down and digging things out of her mouth. But, I didn't want to stop because I would have to start at the beginning of the song.

As I was practicing, I realized that I am not going to have this song completely memorized and "polished" by tonight. I also realized that my technicality as a singer is not what it once was. But, that is okay (this is the "Pep Talk" portion). On my fifth or sixth time through the song, Paige sat up and started clapping for me (keep in mind that she claps when the Hallmark Snowman sings "Let it Snow" when the kids push the button), but it made me feel better. I admire this woman so much that will be singing tonight, and there is no doubt that her song will be better prepared and performed much better from a technical standpoint. I simply can't compete with that, and I need to stop feeling like I need to compete. I just need to sing from my heart and try to portray my testimony through this song. It is a beautiful song, and I absolutely love the wording in the second and third verses. All the notes will not be perfect, and all the breathing will not be correct, but I can try to portray the emotion.

This has been kind of a strange post. I just hate it when I allow myself to get all worked up trying to "compete" with other people or live up to unrealistic expectations. I get frustrated with myself.