Too Late

I never do this, but I just couldn't sleep. I was so tired, and I took some headache medicine and went to bed early (10:45 - I really do try every night to get to bed at 10:30, but I'm lucky to close my eyes before 11:30). Greg came to bed about a half hour later and we started talking. I guess we both had some things on our mind. Anyway, he fell asleep (my talking will usually do that to him), and I finally got up at about quarter to one. I realized that I hardly ate dinner, so I had some toast, then came down to the computer. I put on Jen's blog to listen to her array of music. (I'm so out of the music circuit; if you wouldn't hear it on Sesame Street, then I probably don't know it. But, I can sing about 5 different versions of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, and I do great harmony to Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.) I've been working on Primary stuff ever since to try to clear my head. I'm about to search the Internet for some dye-free Christmas candy to put in my kid's stockings, but I thought I write a few words.

I got the Ensign yesterday (I know...I know...you all probably got it a long time ago, but we really need to get in the habit of getting our mail more than once a week - I'm surprised we don't get hate mail from the mailman). After I glanced through the Priesthood Session talks, I turned to the beginning and read Elder Packer's talk on serving in the church. I remembered this talk from conference, and I loved what he said about how each calling is important, and how marvelous it is that we have members that serve one another. But, as I was reading, I was struck by something that he said. In talking about the worth of souls in the sight of the Lord, he said, "It would be very disappointing to my wife and to me if we supposed any one of our children would think that we think we are of more worth to the family or to the Church than they are." Even though he was talking about serving in callings in the church, I applied it to my little family. He said that even though we, as parents, "preside" over our family, every family member is worth the same "to the family."

Maybe this is totally obvious to most of you, and I'm probably not saying exactly what I mean - words are so inadequate. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father understands the heart because I have such a difficult time verbalizing what I really feel inside. Anyway...I don't think I ever thought of Greg and I as more important than our children to our family, but we are the ones that organized this family. We are the ones that brought children into this family. We should be the ones responsible for shaping and molding this family, right?!? Maybe not...maybe I should change the way I look at it. Maybe Heavenly Father sent us these children to shape, mold, and teach us. They are of the same "worth" as us, as parents. After all, without them, we wouldn't be the same family. Even little Paige, at 8 months old, is of the same worth as any of us. How different our lives would be without her! Even though she's only been here 8 months, I can hardly remember what it felt like without her. I can picture us in my mind before she was born, but I can't remember the feeling of not having her.

I really believe that the spirits of my children were more valiant than I was in the premortal world. I look at them, their gifts, talents, abilities, tendencies, etc. and wonder what Heavenly Father has in store for them. They are each so different and so intriguing, yet they all have an energy and a determination that is absolutely explosive. They are all "do-ers." Instead of always thinking what I have to offer them (in terms of what I need to teach them and do for them), perhaps I should start trying to figure out what they have to offer to me. They were sent to me for a reason and purpose, and they have as much "worth" to our family as any other member.

I also read Sister Beck's talk on "Mother's Who Know." I should probably memorize this one. You know, becoming a wife was such an easy transition for me. It felt so natural to me, and I think I'm a very good wife (maybe not the best housekeeper, but a pretty good wife). The transition to kids was more difficult. I really had a hard time figuring out how to be a wife and a mother simultaneously. I'm learning as I go, and I fear that I'm a slow learner. I really do love this talk, and I want to be a "knowing" Mother. This is my new prayer - one that is truly always in my heart.

How much do I LOVE this picture!?! Thanks, Jen!