I Really Need to Cut Back on the Crazy

I have got to pull it together because I think people are a little sick of my "crazy." The stories of me and my insanity are legendary in my family. My parents love to talk about the nutty little girl that sobbed uncontrollably in my bed because I stepped on my hamster and killed it and was afraid that constituted murder so I was never going to heaven. Or, the time they took me in a cave, turned out the lights, and made a joke that the switch was broken to turn it back on and I totally freaked out. Or, when the fear of nuclear annihilation was huge in the early 80s, and I was terrified that they were going to drop some kind of bomb in Murray, Utah and our skin would melt off our bodies. Then, Lisa likes to tell the one where I hated my hair so I threw the brush at the mirror and stormed out of the bathroom. Greg likes the story of when we had been married about two months and he criticized the way I was making scrambled eggs (he had the audacity to suggest that I not use a metal fork on a Teflon pan because it would ruin the pan). Anyway, I ended up throwing the eggs in the garbage and telling him that if he didn't like the way I made eggs, he could make them himself - all while storming out of the kitchen.

Greg thinks I'm absolutely loony because I hold my thumb in between my pointer finger and middle finger while making a fist - subconsciously (like when I'm sleeping or while we're watching a movie or waiting in line). I also don't like things to touch my neck when I'm relaxing so I take the neck of the shirt and put it on my chin. I would also die of mortification if Greg ever heard me fluff (that's what we call it in my family; my mom always hated the word "fart" - for years, I thought "fart" was the "F-word"). So, when we're lying in bed at night, I make him plug his ears and talk out loud so he doesn't hear it. I also sleep with clothes by my bed just in case there's a fire in the middle of the night. That way, I can just slip on my clothes and not have to be caught outside in my underwear. For the record, I've never been in a house that has been on fire. Probably not much of a chance of that happening, but I keep the clothes next to me just in case.

No wonder Greg suggested that I be put on medication yesterday! Unfortunately, these are the nutty things that people know about. They have no idea of the craziness inside my head.

For the third time in two and a half months, Austin was sent home from school yesterday for disrupting the class and not listening to the teacher. I totally and completely lost it. I sobbed for most of the day - to the point where I had a headache and it was painful to try to keep my eyes open (does anyone else ever do that?). I called Greg I don't know how many times completely erratic - crying and going on and on about my inadequacies as a mother and wife. I have a very hard time understanding how this isn't my fault. You hear all the time how we're raising a generation that has no respect for their elders. I have tried beyond belief, but I can't seem to teach him that. I listen to parents say that it isn't their fault, yet as an outsider looking in, I can see some behaviors that may be making the situation worse. How come I can't see it in my own family? How come I can't see it in my mothering? How come I don't know how to teach and help my children?

A friend made a comment to my sister that she loves reading my blog because it is about this "perfect" life where the family eats dinner together and the husband brings the wife flowers. I generally try to write when I am in a good mood and not in "crazy mode," but I feel like I've been portraying something that is false. Yes, my kids do say and do lots of funny, adorable things. And I absolutely relish those moments. Those are the moments when I think to myself how grateful I am for these little beings that live in my home and produce these wonderful, spontaneous moments. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. And I LOVE babies! I should probably have children until they are three and then pass them along to someone else. I am struggling beyond measure with this 6-year-old. And he's only six! What on earth am I going to do with a thirteen-year-old? The thought nearly suffocates me. And for as many adorable moments that Macy has, she has just as many bratty moments. I am sick to death of the whining, screaming, and sassiness that comes out of her mouth. A LOT of the day is filled with her brattiness. I feel like everything is spinning out of control. And when it spins out of control, out comes the crazy!

I feel like I should be able to handle this. These are normal, everyday problems. I have healthy, strong children with exciting minds and endless energy. I have a husband that loves me and is devoted to our family. I have a beautiful home and wonderful friends and neighbors. I have enough food in the cupboard and in the fridge. I know that opposition is a part of life and we should expect it. So why can't I handle this!?! I look at people that I love whose lives are so full of turmoil because of physical illness or choices that other people are making, and my heart breaks for them. And I can't even handle this everyday problem. I feel guilty, weak, faithless, and like I'm letting everyone down, especially these perfect little spirits that were entrusted to me.

Let me say two things:
#1 I did not write this for because I want people to leave comments disagreeing with me. I wrote this because it is honest and raw. I was very, very low yesterday. I do not feel this way all the time; I don't even feel this way most of the time. Every once in a while, I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world and I just can't do it anymore. In my frustration and helplessness, I turn "crazy." I am generally an optimistic, hardworking person. I will keep searching for answers and trying to be faithful. I know that fear is the opposite of faith. Right now, I have way too much fear. I have been on my knees for years asking for guidance, and I just have to keep that up. I feel like I've gotten answers in the past, but I'm having a hard time hearing the answers right now. I felt very strongly that this school was an answer to my prayers, and I'm having a hard time figuring out why it isn't working.

#2 I really do love my kids. I took the chance, writing this entry, that people may or may not call social services, but I really do adore them. I have learned more in the past six years than I ever dreamed. These three spirits have enriched my life and given me a purpose that I never would have known. The funny and poignant things that they say are absolutely priceless. The warmth and fulfillment I get by holding them and loving them cannot be expressed in words. I absolutely do not regret having this family. It's scary to me to let them grow up (there's that "fear" again). I so enjoy the young, innocent little scientists - exploring anything and everything. I love watching their personalities and interests emerge. I am so grateful that I have them! Greg and I have decided that all we can do is love them more. We are making a very conscious effort to show more love. It's a hard thing to learn - how to love the person, the eternal spirit, and not love the behavior; how to love the "whole" person - weaknesses and all! I'm grateful for all of your love, in spite of my "crazy."