Doing Our Best

I am reading the "Women of Genesis" series from Orson Scott Card.  For those of you who didn't know it yet - I am a HUGE geek and historical fiction is one of my very favorite genres.  I just finished "Sarah" and started on "Rebekah" yesterday.  

I don't generally do this, but I started by reading the "Preface" because, after reading "Sarah," I have become extremely interested in learning about Card's historical sources.  It makes me wonder how much is truth and how much is fiction.

Anyway...As part of the "Preface," Card stated the following commentary (I know it's long, but I think it is well worth reading): 

The task in this novel was to show how good people can sometimes do bad things to those they love most.  The story of Rebekah could easily be taken as a case study in how not to run a family.  But if there's anything I've learned in my fifty years of life, it's that people doing the best they can often get it wrong, and all you can do afterward is try to ameliorate the damage and avoid the same mistakes in the future.  Good people aren't good because they never cause harm to others.  They're good because they treat others the best way they know how, with the understanding that they have.  Too often in our public life we condemn people for well-meant errors, and then insist that everyone should forgive people whose errors were intentional and who attempted, not to make amends, but to avoid consequences.  Good and bad have been stood on their head by people who should have known better.  How do we live in such a world?  Isaac was headed for a disastrously wrong decision; Rebekah chose an equally wrong method of stopping him.  The question of which wrong was worse is not even interesting to me.  They both meant well; they both acted badly; but in the end, the result was a good one because good people made the best of it despite all the mistakes.

Ameliorate: To make or become better, more bearable, or more satisfactory; improve.

This quote made me think of many things:

#1.  I have been hurt by people in my life.   Some of those hurts are big, gaping wounds that are still healing after several years, and some are minor offenses by acquaintances or even a stranger at the grocery store.  Most likely, all of these people were doing the best they knew at the time.  Regardless, my job is to forgive.  It helps me to try to empathize the best I can; to try to put myself in their position and understand that I don't know "the whole story." 

Greg and I have inside joke about this one.  I have chronic back pain, but it is significantly worse after I have my babies.  I suffer from back spasms and sudden movements really aggravate the spasms.  So, I move VERY slowly.  One of the hardest things for me to do is drive, and particularly to turn and go over bumps (you have no idea how much you use your back to turn a steering wheel).  Whenever I have to turn, I slow down so much that I practically stop to significantly minimize the impact of the turn.  I get honked at SO MUCH, and people have been known to yell horrible things at me and make crude gestures.  Honestly, this doesn't bother me in the least because I understand that I am doing the best I can given my situation.  So, whenever Greg is driving and gets frustrated by another driver, I put my hand on his arm and say, "Maybe they have a bad back."  We usually laugh about it.

#2.  I have hurt other people.  Sometimes, I am aware of the offense, and I attempt to apologize and make it better when given the chance.  However, I know there have been several times when I have simply been careless, thoughtless, tactless, self-absorbed, etc. and have offended unintentionally.  One thing I know for certain is that I am doing the best I can (most of the time).  And the "best I can" changes every day, maybe even several times throughout the day given my situation and the circumstances of that moment.  Sometimes, I don't feel well, or I'm tired, or emotional, or hungry, or in a hurry, or preoccupied, or whatever.  It is very easy for me to look back on my life (or even the past week or two) and identify mistakes I made and understand why they were wrong.  Hindsight is 20/20 - right!?!  I need to assume that everyone else is operating the same way and give them some leeway even if their actions are beyond my understanding.

#3:  "Endure to the end" is a very real gospel principle.  I believe that much of our "job" in this life is to make the best out of situations.  Sometimes, we create the situation and are 100% responsible for the circumstances.  And sometimes, life happens to us.  Circumstances completely beyond our control create very trying and frustrating situations.  Rather than dwell on the why's and what if's, or placing blame and holding grudges, our job is to have faith and "have joy."  How much better would my life be if I simply asked myself, "How can I make the best out of this situation?"  

Dumb example: The other day, Macy insisted on getting the eggs for the cookies, and two eggs were dropped and broken on the top shelf of the refrigerator.  Naturally, the eggs oozed down the sides, on the shelves, and every nook and cranny until it ended up in a pile underneath the fridge.  While I was cleaning this up, Paige got into my purse (which Austin took off the hook and laid on the floor) and chewed up an entire package of gum - including the wrappers.  So, little pieces of chewed up gum were in her hair, clothes, fingers, and floor.  What did I do?  I started yelling and lecturing.  Did that help the situation?  Absolutely not!  What good does yelling and lecturing do when the eggs are already spilt and the chewed up gum is already all over the place.  It certainly isn't going to change anything.  Why can't I just take a deep breath and try to make the best out of the situation instead of turning a little mistake into a damaging moment?    

#4.  All of this is easier said than done.  :-)   

I've been struggling a little lately with my spirituality.  I think I've been feeling a bit abandoned lately, and stubborn.  I know there is a loving answer to all of my questions, but I was more content being upset.  It was serving me better to be frustrated, on edge, and angry than sincerely going to the Lord for peace.  When school ended, our schedule changed, and we have not been as strict with family prayer and family scripture study.  As a result, personal and couple prayer has suffered as well.  I said a lot of short, perfunctory prayers, but really "conversing with the Lord" hasn't happened.  Of course, I got embarrassed that it had been so long so I just kept putting it off, and I have really noticed the loss of the Spirit in my life.  It has been very noticeable to me, and I've struggled more in almost every aspect of my life lately. 

Anyway...On Austin's birthday, I decided that I could not end the day without getting on my knees and thanking the Lord for him.  It was such a sobering moment.  In some demented way, I had it in my mind that Lord would be upset with me for not doing what I was supposed to be doing and condemn me or judge me (don't you just love how Satan distorts our thoughts when we let him in), but I had a very sweet moment where I felt like the Lord really heard me and answered questions that I didn't even know I was asking.  

Seven years ago, I became a mother.  Although there are many frustrating, inadequate moments, I am so indebted to Austin, Macy, and Paige because without them, I would not have the opportunity to be a mother and know such sweet, pure love.  That sounds trite and obvious - of course I wouldn't be a mother without my kids.  But, I always thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me, when they must have agreed to come to me at some point.  I think they knew that I would make mistakes, and they are so good to forgive me and love me.  When they are adults, they will have to forgive me for my shortcomings, and realize that I did the best I knew.  I think the biggest hope I have in life (or one of them) is that my children will realize that I love them and that I truly did the best I knew.   

I have always thought that my children's problems are for me to figure out and "fix."  They definitely come to this life with their own personality and they probably bring some "baggage" from before they were born.  After all, we did fight a war in heaven, and there are probably some scars.  In a very peaceful and quiet moment, I realized that it is not my responsibility to "fix" these problems for them.  Quite frankly, it is between them and the Lord.  Just like my chronic shortcomings are between me and the Lord.  My only job is to love my children, teach them the best that I know, and be there for them when they need a kind, loving, forgiving place to fall.  

Again, this sounds so dumb and kind of a strange thing to move me, but there is a song on that new children's CD from the Barenaked Ladies.  It is only about 20 seconds long.  The lyrics are "Some things make me mad; you are not one of them.  Some things make me sad; you are not one of them.  Some things make me Dad; you are all of them."  Such a silly little thing, but while listening to this, I realized that my kids would probably say that they make me mad sometimes.  This is their perception, and I need to change it, and I can't do it alone.  I certainly can't do it by abandoning daily spiritual meditation.  As a result, I think I have been softer and slowed down a bit in my mothering.  That is a key for me - Just SLOW DOWN.  

Wow...To those of you who actually stuck that out and read it, you should definitely reward yourself with some sort of gourmet chocolate.  I get stuck in my head a lot, and it helps to get it out.  Thanks for listening to my ramblings!