Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

I've often referred to myself as a "Recovering Perfectionist."  Sometimes, I find this funny because #1) I've come a long way, and #2) It wouldn't hurt a bit if I applied some perfectionistic attitudes to more in my life (like housework-That one was easy to 

let go).  

I want you all to know what an incredibly annoying child I was...in a lot of ways (just ask my mother).  For example, "Not Crying" was on my daily chore chart.  I was also very much a tattletale and a know-it-all.  Apparently, when I was 5 or 6, I got in my parent's friend's car and it was quite messy.  I guess I announced that my dad could clean it for them.  I also wrote a story all about divorce when I was in 1st Grade, and it got published in the school newspaper!  I'm sure they were thinking that there was this poor girl who was struggling with her parent's decisions and publishing this heartbreaking story would give her an outlet and let everyone know how difficult divorce could be for a child.  Of course, my parents were not getting a divorce.  I have no idea where I even got my thoughts about divorce, but it didn't stop everyone in the neighborhood calling my parents to see if everything was okay.  Another time, I guess I went to school and told everyone that my parent's showered together (thus contradicting the "divorce" story).  It must have gotten back to my parents because I still remember my mom explaining to me that there are some things that we should just keep inside our family.   

These are the "cute" examples.  Trust me - I was difficult!  I've just been thinking a lot lately about how deep our thoughts and actions run.  I spend a lot of my time trying to overcome a lot of my insecurities and false ideas about myself and my world that started when I was very, very young.  I have AMAZING parents, and I am in no way blaming them for any of these.  I came with them, so maybe they run even deeper than I can fathom.  

I have always believed that if I couldn't be "The Best" at something, then it wasn't worth trying (Falsehood #1).  And when I failed (which I did constantly because it is incredibly difficult to be "The Best" in the entire world at anything), I was completely crushed.  I was an incredibly sore loser because I truly believed that I shouldn't lose at anything (even a game of UNO).  I constantly compared myself to other people because I had to know how good they were in order for me to try to be better.  

I remember that I lost a Debate tournament in 6th Grade.  My dad came to pick me up and I was in tears and so angry at Mindi Kidd for winning...again!  It seemed to me that Mindi was perfect at everything.  She looked exactly like D.J. (Candace Cameron) from "Full House", she was incredibly smart, and she seemed to succeed at everything she tried (she ended up as Student Body President).  Anyway, my dad looked at me and said, "Well...She must have done a better job than you.  Don't blame her for winning."  I love my dad!  Truly, I do!  I was incredibly offended by his wisdom at the time, but he is absolutely right!  I know for a fact that Mindi's life was not perfect.  She was the first friend I had whose parent's got a divorce.  I remember her coming to school and telling us in 8th Grade.  Her life wasn't "perfect" as I had imagined (whose is), and she was incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and talented.  I didn't realize it at the time, but her outstanding qualities didn't diminish mine or anyone else's.  I just couldn't help but compare.  

I had a hard time enjoying anything.  I'd like to think that I've grown up a bit.  I can now sing and enjoy it for the pure enjoyment of singing and not compare myself or condemn myself for not being the best.  I am a mom of three children, and frankly, at this point in my life, I don't have the time or money to train my voice the way I used to.  But, I've never enjoyed it more in my life.  I sang with Lisa in church a week ago.  Lisa naturally has a stronger and richer voice than I do.  Instead of being embarrassed that mine is the same as hers, or worrying about what people will think, I thoroughly enjoyed singing with her.  I loved the song, and I loved the harmony that I learned.  I also love that she starts out the song because I find so much joy in listening to her.  

I'm feeling the same way about photography.  I have always loved photography as an art.  I have attended a few shows, and when I need a "break" I like to go over to Barnes and Noble and look through photography books (I've done this for years).  I never thought that I had any artistic ability, and believe me, I've tried.  I've taken several art classes over the years, and it just isn't one of my talents.  I have a problem trusting my instincts and doing what comes naturally.  Whatever I produced never looked like the professionals, so I quit (because I wasn't "The Best").  However, at 31, I am finally feeling more comfortable in my own skin and learning to enjoy the journey a bit more.  I am learning, and I am loving the process.  I know I only know a small fraction about what I'm doing, but it just shows me that I have a lifetime to learn, grow, and improve.  I started a very simple photography blog because this one is private and I realized that the people can't view their own pictures.  I would really love some honest, constructive feedback.  It's the only way I'll get better.  :)

This incredibly long winded, somewhat narcissistic post, wasn't meant to go into all my insecurities, nor was it a plea for people to disagree with me.  It's just that I have a lot of insecurities, and I rarely let them out because I have always believed it is a sign of weakness.  I am learning that it is just a sign of being human, and maybe my silly confessions can help other "Recovering Perfectionists" realize that it is not only okay, but a lot more interesting and enjoyable to not be so "perfect."    

You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out.  ~Martha Graham

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole.  It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.  ~Goethe