My Eternal Quest for Patience & The Boy That Is Determined to Teach It To Me

These past couple of weeks have been so unbelievably difficult. My sweet cousin posted on our family blog about her new baby boy (her first child) who is a couple weeks old. She said that she couldn't believe how much she loved him already. I remember that! I remember holding my brand new baby in my arms and loving him so much I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. Then...he grew up. We did pretty good until he was about three. It's been pretty touch and go since then. It's not that I don't love him - I do! I love him so much, but I just can't figure him out!
He has so many amazing qualities. He is happy, and he absolutely loves life. He sucks up any knowledge that he can. It's like a thirst that he can't seem to quench. He is always trying to figure things out and constantly asks question after question going deeper and deeper into the subject. He has an unbelievable memory. I am astonished at the things he remembers. His retention rate is unreal. He has a great capacity to love, and he desperately needs people. He isn't afraid of unusual or different people. We took him to a nursing home a couple Christmas's ago for one of my performances. By the time we left he had half a dozen women in tears because he hugged them and kissed them and "reminded me of my grandson." He is great at helping me around the house, and being polite (most of the time). He seems to have been "born with a testimony" (that's what my mom says). During FHE a couple months ago, I asked him what the Holy Ghost looks like (I was expecting him to say he didn't know because we were learning about the 1st Article of Faith and I wanted to make the distinction between the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ). After thinking about my question for just a second, Austin said, "The Holy Ghost looks like the sun." I was confused and said, "What do you mean?" He said, "You know how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were brighter than the sun when they came to Joseph Smith? That must be what the Holy Ghost looks like." At that point, I just turned the lesson over to him to let him teach me whatever was inside that soul of his.
When I have these types of experiences with him, I feel so deeply that his spirit was so much stronger and valiant than mine was. He has the potential to be an incredible force for good to fight whatever battles lie ahead. I don't want to stifle him, but he is so hard sometimes! He is so determined and strong-willed. He absolutely insists on doing things his way. I don't think he's trying to be outwardly defiant; I think he genuinely feels like he knows the better way to do it.
He's really struggling in school. Academically, he is doing fine. His reading level is Q for heaven sakes. If anything, he may be a little bored. His teacher is fabulous, and is really trying to find ways to challenge him. He's started being aggressive with some of his classmates. This is a behavior that does surprise me, because we're not seeing this in the home. Austin is constantly bugging his sisters and other people. He just can't seem to keep his hands to himself. He will walk by Macy and tap her on the head, or wave his hand in front of her face. He walks the line - he doesn't hit, but he does touch to annoy. This has always been a problem, but the aggression is new. After the second call from the school in a week, I went to the school to pick him up and bring him home. I feel like I'm burdening his teacher and classmates by leaving him at school. I walked into the office and absolutely fell apart. I was the crazy lady sobbing (and I mean can't catch your breathe sobbing) in the office. The principal pulled me into his office and tried to talk to me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong! We try to teach using natural consequences, and we try to show loving affection. I just don't get it!

We have an appointment with his doctor in a couple of weeks for an ADHD consultation, although I have my doubts about whether or not he is suffering with this. Maybe the hyperactivity, but the other criteria doesn't seem to match. I'm trying to find an Occupational Therapist to work with, but it's hard to find someone with his specialty. I have some more leads to follow up on this week. We are driving up to Rexburg tonight to meet with a very alternative doctor. And I also have an appointment with a Nutritionist. But, there are several times a day when I look at him and I am so overwhelmed that I just want to run away. I feel the anxiety inside me, like my chest is caving in. He has the potential to do so much, but it just seems like he's spiraling out of control. His problem seems to be around kids. He just cannot control his body when he is around them. Adults are constantly impressed with him, but he is so loud and cannot stop moving when he is around kids. It's getting to the point where the other kids notice, and he is being labeled as strange or the "bad kid." When I was at his school last week, one of the parents asked me who my child was, and I was embarrassed to tell them. How awful is that! When I do say, "Austin," they all know who I'm talking about. Then I feel terribly guilty that I'm embarrassed of my own son. I'm embarrassed even writing it - what a horrible thing to admit!

I do need to stop crying, though. I was at his school on Friday for a little performance by his class and some of the other classes. They were showcasing what they were learning in art and music classes. He got on stage with the other 1st Grade class (nearly 55 students) to do the sign language to "I Just Called to Say 'I Love You'" by Stevie Wonder. (They were learning about musicians with disabilities). They did the entire song and I was so nervous! An enclosed space with that many children is usually disaster. He did so great! He did wave his hand in the face of the girl in front of him once, but other than that, he did really well. It was quite a long song, and he did the sign language and sang his heart out. I was in the back with tears streaming down my face - so grateful for a successful moment (even though it lasted all of four minutes). Today he gave a talk in Primary. We used a thing we found in The Friend. He got up and did the entire talk all by himself. He showed the pictures and read the information. He even got the inflection correct. Greg looked at me with his jaw dropped open and said, "How can you not be impressed with that!"There are good moments - but they are so few and far between lately. It really concerns me that his behavior is getting worse. I do feel really bad for him if there is something within him that really can't control itself. I feel like too many people use mental issues as a crutch or excuse for behavior. But now, I just don't know. I definitely don't think his behavior is excusable, but what can I do to help him! How can I help him learn. We've been doing our very best for several years, and the behavior is getting worse! I guess I'm just incredibly discouraged right now. It makes me sick to think of what this could turn into in his teenage years or adult years. I'm just so worried about him!