Parenting Hypothesis

I'm only 7 years into this parenting thing, and I am FAR from being any sort of expert. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It seems like the more kids I have, the more I realize that I really know so little about what I'm doing. I've been thinking again (in other words, watch out for a long-winded, wordy post), and I've come up with a hypothesis about parenting, and I WANT YOUR OPINION.

When my kids were really little (infants to toddlers to early preschool-age), I could sort of "mold" their world for them. I am a routine person when it comes to babies. Admittedly, it has taken me longer to establish this routine with each child, and it is still unbelievably difficult for me to wake a sleeping baby when it comes time to pick up carpool. However, as a general rule: I believe in nap time; I believe in snack time; I believe in bedtime. When Austin was little, the kitchen opened for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as 10:30 a.m. for morning snack and 3:30 p.m. for afternoon snack. Otherwise, the kitchen was closed (with very few exceptions). All three of my kids have taken a morning and afternoon nap until about 14-months when it moves to one, longer afternoon nap. And, if you've ever read my blog, you know that all kids are in bed by 8 o'clock sharp! Most of this is for my sanity. Honestly, how many times a day can you clean the kitchen!?! And, as my mother used to say, "I turn into a witch at 8 o'clock." My point is that it was easy for me to establish the schedule for my kids. Personality, preference, etc. didn't really factor into the equation.

Now that my kids are getting older, I'm sensing a new parenting role. I'm now thinking that my main objective should shift. Instead of, "I know what is best for you, so I am going to establish an environment that will give you what you need," I'm thinking it should now be, "I'm going to do my very best to figure out what type of person you are so I we can create an environment together so you can be your best self." I'm not being clear; they sound like the same thing, but they are so, so different.

As each of you know, each child is different, so I find that I need to approach things differently with each of them. Whereas, I treated all my babies relatively the same. All babies have the same basic needs: food, sleep, hygiene, love and attention. But not all 7-year-olds need the same thing or need to be treated in the same way. The trick, and where I find I need to invest a lot of time, attention, and thought is figuring out who they are and what they need. Then, try our very best to give it to them.

I was listening to a talk show on the radio, and the host was talking about how people complain that they aren't a "Morning Person." Her assessment was that a statement like that is ridiculous. Get up early in the morning and start your day, and whalah, you are a Morning Person. I've thought about it, and I politely disagree. Lets compare my children using this example:

• When Austin wakes up in the morning, his eyes pop open, his body bounds out of bed in one motion, and he is immediately looking for something to do. It is not rare to find several "projects" waiting for him on the floor next to his bed (books to finish reading, a pile of Legos, markers with an old egg carton and masking tape, etc.) This is all done over about 10 seconds. One minute he's sound asleep (snoring even), and 10 seconds later, he's adding embellishments to a Lego ship.
  
• Macy likes to roll out of bed and get into our bed. After several minutes of snuggling and thumb-sucking, she is ready to ease into a conversation or request a song to be sung while she listens. After a few more minutes, a back-rub or two, she is ready to sit on the couch and sip some milk. This is all done over about a half an hour.
• Paige wakes up and talks to herself for about a minute in her crib. Whereupon, she becomes bored. She starts calling out: "Mom...Dad...All dumb, bed...All dumb, night-night." When we get her out, she smothers us with love (usually a hug, rubbing our faces, kissing our cheeks) and she immediately asks for "Bood" (food) or "Nummy." The girl wakes up famished and needs to eat every hour and half throughout the day.

This may be a silly example, but it is precisely why Austin does his homework and piano practice in the morning, and I don't even think about asking Macy to do a chore or anything productive until at least an hour's worth of "easing" into her day. Essentially the equivalent of having her morning coffee. All Miss Paige needs is a tummy full of oatmeal and she becomes the most pleasant creature on the planet. If this pattern stays true, when Macy is in 2nd Grade, it would be insanity for her to do her homework before school. Think of the anxiety, stress, and fights that would cause. For Paige, if we can just feed her first, then she can be productive (sounds like she takes after her mother).

On a more spiritual note, I attended a class on this at BYU Education Week. Ever since, I've been trying to notice what seems to "touch the soul" of each of my children. The teacher made the comment that for most children, it is NOT church attendance. That certainly doesn't mean that we don't go to church, but a 3-hour block on Sunday is usually not what is going to stir spiritual feelings or spark a testimony. This woman raised four boys, and when she was asked by a fellow mother of small children what she could do to make church more productive, this woman's response was, "Wait 30 years." It's so true! Here is what I've observed over the past few months:

• Greg gave Austin a Father's Blessing before school started. For anyone who has ever met Austin, you know that sitting still is not necessarily his forte. In fact, he seems to retain more information if he is doing something while listening. (There's that "do" word again - notice a pattern). But, he sat so quietly and listened so intently while Greg administered the blessing. He didn't move, and his eyes were closed and he was calm - at peace. Maybe this high-energy kid needs more blessings so Heavenly Father can speak to his soul. Stories also seem to work well for him.
• Macy seems touched by music. She is a NightMare during Primary (capital "N" capital "M"). She is a wanderer. If she sees a baby across the room, she wanders over and starts cooing at it. If she wants to play a game with a friend, she does it. Who cares if someone is telling a story in front of the room. Who cares if they are in the middle of a game. But, as she is getting ready for bed, or using the bathroom, or playing dollhouse, I can often hear her singing, "Tell Me the Stories of Jesus," or "I Love to See the Temple" or "I Am a Child of God." Music seems to speak to her soul.
• Paige - Well, I don't know yet. She is a little young still. But, she loves to pray. She kneels down with her arms folded and can sit quietly for an entire family prayer. She emphatically shouts "Amen" at the end. Maybe prayer - words - will be her "thing."
  

I've heard that the real "work" of parenting is during the Elementary Years. This is when the bulk of our teaching takes place. The early years are more care-giving, and by the time they reach the teenage years - well, let's just say it's more difficult to teach them. The teenage years are a time for them to experiment with what we taught them. (This is a Love & Logic Point of View - paraphrased of course.)

What do you think? How do you go about figuring out each individual child? How do you balance your time so that each child gets what they need, which is different than any other child?