Greg and I celebrate ten years in just a few weeks. When I think of my parents or my in-laws who have been together for 35 or 45 years, ten seems like we are just beginning. I don't know what I will think in another 20 or 30 years, but as I look over the past ten, I have learned a lot. My dad once made the comment in regard to marriage that "you don't need to create problems, they will come to you." I never would have anticipated some of the challenges that we've faced. I am definitely not the person Greg married. That young girl didn't have five kids or a mortgage or health problems or 15 church callings or friends and family who have suffered, etc. I am a little more seasoned, if you will. Hopefully, the seasoning has created a pleasant, sweet taste instead of a bitter one. My dad has also professed his theory several times: When times are tough, just hang on because they are bound to get better. When times are good, enjoy it because trials will come soon enough.
So, what do you think? I know this is an intensely personal subject (so feel free to comment as "Anonymous" if you want), but I'm curious what works for other people. What makes your marriage work? As you observe "Strong Marriages," what seems to be "the secret?" Is there a "secret?"
Greg always says that it boils down to selflessness. When he is genuinely putting my needs first, and I am putting his needs first, we are practically giddy, marriage feels effortless, and everything else in my life seems manageable. As I've thought about it, I am very blessed/lucky to be in a marriage where I feel happy, content, and full of gratitude for this person who is walking by my side through this life (who knows - maybe somebody else might not be as happy in my situation, but it seems to work well for us). In my marriage, we say "I'm sorry" a lot...A LOT. And we forgive easily. We also forget easily (old arguments/pains are not rehashed every time we get upset). I think we are doing better with accepting the other person for their strengths and weaknesses and loving the entire package instead of trying to change the other person or alter those "weaknesses."
I also feel extremely grateful for all those girls that he dated before me and all those guys (there were hundreds...really) who I dated. We both made a lot of relationship mistakes with other people, and we learned so much from them. Sometimes I feel guilty for those mistakes and my immaturity, but I realize that I grew and it has helped me in my marriage. So, I am grateful. Every guy I dated had some amazing qualities. Over the years, I learned what I really wanted in a husband, and Greg exemplified so many of those qualities from the night we met.
I feel a bit disconnected from everyone. This is probably a combination of summer + having two, two-month-old babies. I don't get out much. I know that not as many people are blogging these days, but I would love to hear your two cents. Do you agree/disagree with me? What do you think?
8 comments:
I definitely don't have the answer...my dad's aunt always used to say it was a crap shoot...so I always go with that :) I think it boils down to being unselfish. If your spouse & children are a top priority, then you will serve them, in turn being able to show them love & you will receive it right back in return. Of course, I don't think there are any right or wrong answers out there, but when I am having a hard time or after Lorin & I argue, I always try to get back on the path of service & it always helps without fail :) Good topic!
This is one of the many reasons we are choosing to move to Washington. It feels like for so long we've been more like roommates then in a marriage..I can't blame it all on his job and the long hours but it has really been hard on our marriage. Its so easy to get caught up in your own things and forget about your spouse especially when their never around. At times I felt like we had no idea what each other did that day. He would get home so late and by that time I was tired and didn't feel like talking. I would just shut down. I think that communication is such an important part of a marriage if you can't communicate or don't then you start to drift apart. We've prayed a lot about changing his career and I know it won't magically fix things but we really feel like it will help our marriage. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and we have a good marriage but I know that theirs always room for improvement.
Hello there! You want to know what has worked well for James and I in our marriage...I guess there are a couple of things:
1. We fight well. That is, if something is bothering one of us that the other person has done (or not done!) we get right to the heart of the matter without attacking or getting defensive. We usually just say something like this: "Look, it made me feel (fill in the blank) when you did/said that." The other person will then either almost always say something like this: "I totally didn't mean it that way." OR "You're right. I shouldn't have _____. I'm sorry. I won't do that again." And we really try to do this soon after we've been bugged/offended/had our feelings hurt. Letting it fester is a bad thing.
2. Humility. You need to clearly see your own faults so that you're not so undone by someone else's.
3. Good old fashioned unselfishness that you've mentioned. It never fails. I'm interested to see some other comments...
I have read a book called Mindful Loving where you have a positive attitude before he come home from work and the atmosphere is different. I also like the book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It helped me realized how men and women are different and how I need to meet my husbands needs first and then things happen for me that I want without asking. We have been married for 11 years in August and we were talking the other day that we have different appreciation for each other now then 10 years ago. We are connected more mentally not just physically. We love each other deeper through all of our struggles and kids. We make sure that we have a date often and everyday we talk to each other about something besides kids and how our day was. Like my mom told me. It may be getter better and seem wonderful but that doesn't mean that you stop working at it.
Good topic Em!
I feel like I need more time to think about my answer...so I'll get back to this one! I liked reading the other comments so far!
I love the Marriage License picture by the way! So cute.
Emily, I hope you don't mind that I am blog stalking (as my neighbors call it) you. I was so excited to see your blog & read about your beautiful family. In fact some of your words touched my heart in a way I really needed at the time. So I'll start of with a thank you.
You know I've never really been short of words so heres my two cents. Most of my dating years I would hear people say "marriage is hard work." I can honestly say that I NEVER understood what they meant until the last year. My interpretation (sp?) Love is not just something you suddenly feel for someone or that never goes away. It takes sacrifice, acts of kindness, service, patience, & forgivness. Most of the time these things are required whent the person you love least "deserves" it. Only at these trying times can you find the pure love of Christ for the person you married.
Anyway...Congrats on your beautiful family!
Hugh Nibly said that when our turn comes to stand before Christ we will be judged on two things. The only two things the angles are jealous of us for: repenting and forgiving; for they can do neither. I think marriage is similar. If you truly love someone you can forgive them, and if you are truly striving to put your spouse first you can ask for forgiveness for the times you forget.
Post a Comment