It has been two weeks since I knew about the twins, and I keep thinking that when I go to the doctor tomorrow they are going to tell me that it was all a joke and there is really only one baby. It is just so hard to believe that this is happening! For the first little while, I think I was able to appreciate my kids more and I managed to pull more patience from my pregnant arsenal whenever dealing with them. I just felt so content and blessed. The last few days, though, I think reality has set in and I can feel myself losing it and panicking.
Greg did this just two days after we found out. It didn't matter what the kids did, he would get exasperated and say, "I don't know how you are going to do this with five kids," or "How are you going to keep up with Paige with two more babies!" I would just tell him that I didn't know but we were just going to have to do it. I kept telling him it was all about attitude. I'm eating my words right now!
I have had such a short fuse the last few days. My house feels like chaos to me, and it doesn't matter how much time I spend cleaning it up, it still feels out of control. Everything my kids do just makes me freak out. I panic thinking that I need them to change their behavior because I am going to be preoccupied with two babies (three really - Paige is only going to be two [just barely]). And I know that this is as easy as it is going to get and I can't even handle this, how in the world am I going to deal with everything once they are no longer inside my body! Everything is irritating to me, and I just seem to be an ornery, rotten mom.
I wake up at night to use the bathroom (of course) and just lie awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering how on earth this is going to work. When I had Paige, everyone said, "Well, at least your back wasn't as bad as with Macy." That isn't true at all. It was just as bad. The spasms still happened, and I had to be extremely cautious - I just learned to keep my mouth shut because there wasn't much I could do about it. Doing mundane tasks like getting into the shower or doing the laundry was tough, not to mention actually changing a diaper or bathing my baby. I remember dropping some clothes on the floor during the washer-to-dryer transfer and just crying because I didn't know how I could bend over to pick them up.
Getting in and out of bed was a nightmare. It took me a good 15 minutes to just walk after standing up in the morning. I would go to bed and sleep on my right side all night long. Greg would put Paige in my arms and she ate off the right side all night (it was a very hilarious, lop-sided view in the morning when I pumped the left side immediately, but at least I didn't have to roll over which inevitably set off a series of back spasms). I'm not saying this to get sympathy. I lived through it and I knew I could live through it again, but that was when I was having one baby. I just can't imagine the pain of getting up multiple times at night to feed because obviously both of them cannot sleep on my right side and eat off one side all night long.
Every time I buckle Paige all I can think about is how I am going to have to climb in the very back of the van to get her in and out of her carseat whenever we go anyplace. When Macy and Paige were babies, I would just leave their carriers in the car because my back was too weak to carry the baby plus the carrier. I would just carry them to and from the car. How is this going to work?!? I know it seems mundane, but to me it is an almost insurmountable task to climb in the back of a car to buckle Paige, let alone juggle two baby carriers.
You can see that I'm losing it. What has happened to my faith and my hope? I so desperately want to see these babies as the blessing (and miracle) that they are. I so desperately want to believe that I have it in me to be a loving, compassionate, patient, non-yelling, even fun and happy mother. I so desperately want to cherish this time in my children's lives. I really do love having them around, but I just can't seem to get a handle on the chaos. It just seems like nothing but doubt occupies my mind these past few days.
You don't have to comment on this post, and I assure you that I really am not fishing for sympathy. I am frustrated and ashamed of my attitude and behavior lately. So many people keep telling me that I can handle this, and the truth is that I don't have much of a choice - I HAVE to do this. I would just like to do it as a happy, loving, fun person instead of one that dreads what is coming.