Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Kind of Freaking Out

It has been two weeks since I knew about the twins, and I keep thinking that when I go to the doctor tomorrow they are going to tell me that it was all a joke and there is really only one baby.  It is just so hard to believe that this is happening!  For the first little while, I think I was able to appreciate my kids more and I managed to pull more patience from my pregnant arsenal whenever dealing with them.  I just felt so content and blessed.  The last few days, though, I think reality has set in and I can feel myself losing it and panicking.  

Greg did this just two days after we found out.  It didn't matter what the kids did, he would get exasperated and say, "I don't know how you are going to do this with five kids," or "How are you going to keep up with Paige with two more babies!"  I would just tell him that I didn't know but we were just going to have to do it.  I kept telling him it was all about attitude.  I'm eating my words right now!

I have had such a short fuse the last few days.  My house feels like chaos to me, and it doesn't matter how much time I spend cleaning it up, it still feels out of control.  Everything my kids do just makes me freak out.  I panic thinking that I need them to change their behavior because I am going to be preoccupied with two babies (three really - Paige is only going to be two [just barely]).  And I know that this is as easy as it is going to get and I can't even handle this, how in the world am I going to deal with everything once they are no longer inside my body!  Everything is irritating to me, and I just seem to be an ornery, rotten mom.  

I wake up at night to use the bathroom (of course) and just lie awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering how on earth this is going to work.  When I had Paige, everyone said, "Well, at least your back wasn't as bad as with Macy."  That isn't true at all.  It was just as bad.  The spasms still happened, and I had to be extremely cautious - I just learned to keep my mouth shut because there wasn't much I could do about it.  Doing mundane tasks like getting into the shower or doing the laundry was tough, not to mention actually changing a diaper or bathing my baby.  I remember dropping some clothes on the floor during the washer-to-dryer transfer and just crying because I didn't know how I could bend over to pick them up.  

Getting in and out of bed was a nightmare.  It took me a good 15 minutes to just walk after standing up in the morning.  I would go to bed and sleep on my right side all night long.  Greg would put Paige in my arms and she ate off the right side all night (it was a very hilarious, lop-sided view in the morning when I pumped the left side immediately, but at least I didn't have to roll over which inevitably set off a series of back spasms).  I'm not saying this to get sympathy.  I lived through it and I knew I could live through it again, but that was when I was having one baby.  I just can't imagine the pain of getting up multiple times at night to feed because obviously both of them cannot sleep on my right side and eat off one side all night long.  

Every time I buckle Paige all I can think about is how I am going to have to climb in the very back of the van to get her in and out of her carseat whenever we go anyplace.  When Macy and Paige were babies, I would just leave their carriers in the car because my back was too weak to carry the baby plus the carrier.  I would just carry them to and from the car.  How is this going to work?!?  I know it seems mundane, but to me it is an almost insurmountable task to climb in the back of a car to buckle Paige, let alone juggle two baby carriers.        

You can see that I'm losing it.  What has happened to my faith and my hope?  I so desperately want to see these babies as the blessing (and miracle) that they are.  I so desperately want to believe that I have it in me to be a loving, compassionate, patient, non-yelling, even fun and happy mother.   I so desperately want to cherish this time in my children's lives.  I really do love having them around, but I just can't seem to get a handle on the chaos.  It just seems like nothing but doubt occupies my mind these past few days.  

You don't have to comment on this post, and I assure you that I really am not fishing for sympathy.  I am frustrated and ashamed of my attitude and behavior lately.  So many people keep telling me that I can handle this, and the truth is that I don't have much of a choice - I HAVE to do this.  I would just like to do it as a happy, loving, fun person instead of one that dreads what is coming.


Roccy said...

A few thoughts:

from President Hinckley:

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

And remember . . . your best may vary from day to day. Some days I barely make it out of bed. Other days I'm more functional and productive. Just do your best from day to day and moment to moment. And forgive yourself if you ever fall short . . . pick yourself up and try again. You have a TON on your plate. It won't all be perfect. It won't all be pretty. But it will all work out (and maybe not the way you had planned). You can handle this. You can do your best, whatever that may be. You are allowed your moments of despair. You are allowed to feel that you may give up . . . but you won't give up . . . you'll keep on keeping on.

Lastly, ask for help. Make a list now of people you can count on - and then count on them. Maybe you don't have to be getting the babies in and out of the car - maybe someone can watch them while you take a few moments to do some grocery shopping. Maybe someone can come with you to help when you go to doctor's appointments.

You're not being required or asked to do this all by yourself. Bring other people in - let them receive blessings of getting to know you better and serving you and your family.

Emily - you can do this. Like you said, you HAVE to do this. And I know you'll do it with all the love in your heart. It's ok to be desperate and scared and crazy (I am).

Love you sweet girl!!

Alexie said...

Ok, so I am not going to get too gushy. You're right, certain things about your new life that is coming with 5 children will suck and suck bigtime. For once, I am not envious of you. (that doesn't happen very often)

However, I, like many others, OWE you and owe you bigtime, so please call on me for help. In fact, I will go one step further. I will pick a day to be at your disposal (or you can pick but since you suck at asking for help
I am just going to step in and give it to you anyway)-let's say Mondays. So now Mondays, instead of being What-was-i-thinking-i hate-this Day, can be Yay-for-Lexy Day! (which i really think there should be more of in the world :o))

So complain all you want, you're allowed, and in between the complaints I know you're grateful, even happy, to have so many beautiful, talented, healthy babies.

Kristy said...

Oh Emily. Holy crap I feel bad that I haven't been around to read your last few posts. Back spasms? Wow. That sounds painful. Maybe you won't get them this time? Is that a dumb thing to say? Holy crap. Listen, Heavenly Father obviously needs to send more spirits into the world and HE TRUSTS YOU to take on two at a time. Keep thinking that. He trusts you, you should trust yourself too. As far as juggling all the carseats/babies/toddlers...my advice is to just not go anywhere with all of them at once unless Greg is with you...but I'm no mother of twins goodness knows, so take that with a grain of salt. I would be thrilled to come and do your laundry, mop your floor, you name it. Also? Albertson's delivers groceries for just $10. I did it for months before and after I had Mary and Kate. It takes some practice to grocery shop online, but soon I came to love it!!! It took me about 20 mins to order everything online and then, the next day (or whenever)my groceries were delivered to my door. Or just send Greg.
Take a deep breath Emily. You are such an outstanding woman and have been an inspiration to me in so many ways since we've become blogger friends. I know you can do this. You're gonna be fine.

Kristy said...

love the straitjacket picture!

Jenni foo foo said...

I would just like to say...if twins is your excuse, what's mine?? Remember you are a crazy hormone pregnant lady!! You have many many reasons to lose it easily and feel overwhelmed. Just let yourself have a bad few days...every week. :) You are amazing, you will do fabulously with 2 babies. So many people love you and will be HAPPY HAPPY to help!! It will be so fun!
I love you...your children will never remember you being a grouchy mom. Your happy times far outshine your crappy ones.
LOVES xoxoxoxo

nnnance said...

Hang in there. Deric and Shelece made it and now the twins are almost 3 years old. Plus they have added another boy to their family. You are in our prayers.

Love, Aunt Nancy

Amber said...

Emily, I agree with Jen- it's ok to feel freaked out because you're PREGNANT! Whether it's twins or not, pregnancy makes everyone a little crazy!

If you're looking for advice, I have two very different approaches that you can try, or completely ignore :) First, just tell yourself it's going to suck for a while. That way, you won't expect everything to be perfect and easy, and you won't be disappointed when life DOES suck.
The second, or opposite, option: don't decide now how hard it's going to be- wait and see what happens. I know, easy for me to say when I'm not expecting twins! But this is the advice Jake gives me when I'm stressed, like if Dallin didn't nap/ went to bed late and I'm convinced that the next day will be a horrible day. He reminds me to not decide how the day's going to go until it's here.

Anyway, I think you're a fabulous mom, and I'm certain that you will be able to handle two new babies. I'm always happy to help (I already owe you dinner).

Jana said...

If you would like to place them for adoption, I know a fabulous couple!!! LOL
One time we got a "lead" on triplets--someone asked if we'd like to give a birth mom our info who was pregnant with triplets. I said yes, but then in the following weeks I realized all the logistics of it....I couldn't go anywhere without a helper....we'd have to buy a minivan....we'd have to get a bigger house!! It was crazy to think of all that. I think there are a lot of things like that, where reality suddenly sets in and you have to have a panic attack for awhile. You can be all faithful in a little while, when you're done freaking out for a few minutes/weeks.

Jackie said...

Emily- I am totally freaking out for you! Spence and I just shake our heads and wonder how on earth are they going to do it?? LOL You will be able to do it because you will have an entire neighborhood of helpers. If you need me to come pick up some laundry off the floor- I would be glad to do it. Actually, I will come and do your laundry or just come and hang out while you sleep. And even if you need help before the babies are born, you know my number. Dial it! Love you!

andrea nicole said...

oh emily :(
i don't even know what to really say especially since i can't relate to how you are feeling. but, along with jackie, i would come over and hang out with your kids while you sleep or nurse. laundry (as much as i loathe it) i would totally be there to help. my heart broke when i read that you cried when some laundry dropped on the floor. :( i love holding new babies. so if you ever need someone to hold one of them while you have something you need to get done -- i gladly volunteer :) or even if you need someone to come over and make dinner for you, or bring dinner for that matter, let me know. there are many sisters in the ward and probably family members that are saying the same thing. but just so you know -- there is one more person ready and willing :)

Lindsay said...

I have no doubt that Heavenly Father will bless you to be able to do the things you need to do, He know's you can do it.

Kerri said...

I've been stalking for a while, but am de-lurking to put in my .02.

When I was pregnant with #4 (and not even #4 AND #5 like you are), it was a leap of faith. I didn't want to do it, I didn't feel ready to do it, and I was sure there was no way I could really do it for many different reasons.

And then the reality was just as bad as I feared, if not worse. I don't say that to freak you out, just to say this. It was Bad. But somehow, through God's grace, it was ok. I managed, and sometimes I threw fits and sometimes I was at peace. You will be strengthened. And when you're not strong enough, you can just hope for more strength 10 minutes from now.

Sorry. This is long. But hang in there. You will be strong enough. Most of the time. And most of the time is OK.

Krainich Family said...

Ditto everything you said! AMen! I feel like we are in a definite girls night out. . . just to RELAX From all the STRESS. Maybe if you could take a break from your living/breathing/physically here kids you could appreciate the miracle the babies are in your belly. . . This mom thing is really hard aint it! You are SOOO normal for feeling overwhelmed. I think you would be crazy if you weren't! Lucky for you so many people love and would love to help ANY WAY possible. HOLD On, you will get through this. . .and one day we will look back at the trials and think, "that was really hard, but I did it." then we will feel like superwoman, when we finally do do it and prove to ourselves how much we are capable of! My least favorite answer to my trials, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I hated this bc at times I felt like screaming, BUT YES IT IS, THIS IS TOOOOOOO MUCH! But honestly, we are stronger and braver than we give ourselves credit for. YOU CAN DO THIS. . with the help of us! Loves!
Oh, and when do you want to take a break? I could use one right about now.

Liz said...

I think it takes a special person to have five kids, and although I'm not capable of it, you are. The Lord really is blessing you with these kids for a reason. I only have two and I still find myself sometimes being short and irritated with two little people I'd give my life for. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done and sometimes I want to play hide and seek and not be found, but things always get better.

You will do great, because you really are a wonderful person, and I'm not just saying that.