I watched an interview with Elizabeth Edwards the other day, and I really liked an analogy that she made from her new book. She said:
“I have said before that I do not know what the most important lesson is that I will ever teach my children…I do know that when they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not go her way…she adjusted her sails.”
I have been so anxious the past several months about the arrival of these twin babies. As I’ve said before, Greg and I were actually using protection at the time they were conceived, and since twins don’t really run in our family, it never even occurred to me that we would ever have twins. So, the anticipation of this adjustment has been overwhelming at times – as if I have been in the midst of a storm. I have doubted my ability, and I have doubted my Heavenly Father’s judgment in my ability. I have been so concerned as to how adding two children would affect my life, our family life, the lives of the children we already had, etc. I was trying to see these babies as a blessing, but also acknowledging it as a trial, and I was reluctantly and nervously adjusting our sails.
I forgot about one thing though: How much these two sweet spirits would bless our lives and change them for the better. Yes, we are adjusting our sails, and traveling a new, unexpected course, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. With the birth of all of my children, I am amazed that heart could contain so much love. And I see, with new eyes, all of the love around me.
Their birth was difficult for me. It was a different kind of difficult than with my other children. I walked into that Operation Room and it was daunting, to say the least. I had to take a couple of deep breaths to calm my nerves and accept the fact that there really wasn’t another option so I needed to suck it up and be brave. I felt much better when Greg and my mom walked in. I spent their entire birth concentrating on my pain and working with the anesthesiologist (who was wonderful) to manage everything on my end. It was long and difficult. I was physically and emotionally drained. I said a lot of prayers to help me keep holding on and staying strong. My sweet husband rubbed my face and my mom kissed my forehead in reassurance. I saw each baby briefly before they were taken to the nursery. As soon as I saw them, I felt immediate peace and love and trust from my Heavenly Father. Our family is definitely on a different route, but what a privilege it is for us to be able to adjust our sails to accommodate these new spirits!
As I held my sweet boys tonight, I looked at Greg and said, “Can you even imagine our lives without one of them?” There is nothing quite like having four, inquisitive, bright, beautiful eyes attached to two 3 pound, 13 ounce little bodies (yes, they still weigh exactly the same) staring up at you in awe. Such strong, fighting spirits in such small bodies! Everyone that meets them automatically loves them and can feel of their sweetness and strength. The nurses fight over who gets to take care of them (I witnessed that today as I was in the nursery during a shift change). Today, as I was feeding Kade, our nurse held Spencer up to her, eye-to-eye and said, “I really like you. You know that? I really do!”
They are a lot of work (I’ll post the laborious schedule later), and yet people seem to gravitate toward them. Last night, Greg was at Austin’s baseball game when the night nurse came on her shift. When he called, I went on and on about her and how he was really going to like her. When we walked out of the nursery last night, he said, “You’re right. I do really like her. But I love Kelly too.” He paused, thinking about all of nurses that have cared for our boys. With a deep breath, he said, “There are so many women that I love now!”
He’s right. I love these women so deeply for loving my sweet babes and taking care of them with so much love, patience, and tender attention. They have all been wonderful, and I will be forever grateful for all of these surrogate mothers. (Spencer & Kade)
For Mother’s Day, I held my boys for the first time. Later on in the day, I got to hug and kiss my other children as well. The last thing I did that day was receive a tender kiss from the man who made it all possible. I have adjusted my sails, yet again, on behalf of my children. I will never be the same. I feel glorious.