10 - 4 - 3

Ten years ago tonight, Greg and I decided to get married, after knowing each other for four months, and we picked a wedding date three months into the future. What kind of crazy people profess eternity to each other after four months!?! I guess it's our equality in craziness that makes our marriage work. 

At the time, Greg was working the graveyard shift and had to be to work at midnight. We were together before that and I guess we just started talking about marriage. We had talked about it for a couple of weeks, although we never actually said the word "marriage." Instead we spoke in hypotheticals: "If you and I 'end up together' how many kids do you think you want?" "If you and I 'end up together,' where do you want to live?" That night, I guess we decided that we would "end up together." We were very excited, and Greg called as soon as he got to work so we could talk even more.

I was so nervous to tell my parents, and I had never actually met Greg's parents (they lived in California at the time). We called the temple and got a date and time and we set up appointments with several reception centers. We had an appointment with the Joseph Smith Memorial Building a few days later, so I figured we should tell my parents the night before (just in case my mom wanted to participate). It was about 10:30 at night and my dad had fallen asleep watching TV. We woke him up. We gathered everyone around the table and Greg made the announcement. My sister immediately stood up and said, "I'll let the dog out." My mom stood up, walked toward her calendar and said, "Let me see if I have that day free." Was she not going to attend if she had a dentist appointment? When it was apparent that her day was void of pressing engagements, she sat down and said, "Well...I guess I'll pencil it in." I told her she could write it in pen if she wanted because it was most likely going to happen. Then, my dad started grilling Greg on the "How are you going to take care of my daughter" questions. I guess he passed because here we are - ten years later.

The entire situation was quite comical. But nothing was funnier than the following morning. I walked upstairs and my mom shouted, "What are we going to do about Christmas?" I was a little confused considering it was the beginning of May!!! I asked her what in the world she was talking about. "Well," she said, "Are you going to stay here or go to California?" (Keep in mind that I had yet to meet Greg's parents...oh, and did I mention that it was MAY!?!) She was kind of freaking out.

Despite the great Christmas Dilemma of May 1999 (I'm sure you recall all the alarming stories in the newspaper - similar to Y2K), we somehow managed to enjoy our engagement, get married, and "end up with" (nearly) five kids. Someone tell those young, unassuming, optimistic, love-struck, naive (or just plain stupid) kids what they are in for. Better yet, let them figure it out themselves. Ten years ago, giggling on the telephone until two in the morning, I never could have imagined how much we have learned, grown, and been through together. I never could have imagined how much that young girl with chubby cheeks misunderstood about love. Sitting here today (enormous with two babies getting ready to burst out of my body), I love him more deeply than I ever thought possible.

Just to prove to you how strong, binding, and passionate our love is today, my knight in shining armor just walked past me and said, "Oh, I know you've been wanting me to unclog the bathroom sink for a while now. I'll do it tomorrow morning. How does that sound?"

Perfect.

For Good

We had an amazing day yesterday.  I splurged beyond anything I've every splurged before (with the exception of a helicopter ride around the island Kauai which was totally worth it) and we took Austin and Macy to see "Wicked."  Since we bought the tickets last June, it was as if we went for free (right?!?).  As much as I suffer from Buyer's Remorse, I don't allow myself to feel bad when we spend money on experiences.  Creating memories is never a waste of money in my opinion.  This is something that our kids will remember for a long, long time, and they both asked if they could go again next week.  Every morning for the past week, Macy has woken up and asked, "Is today the day I get to see the Wicked Witch?"  She has no concept of time.  She uses the word "yesterday" to describe any event in the past and the word "tomorrow" to describe any event in the future.  It must be confusing.  They both loved it, and they did really well as staying focused (although the love songs were a little slow for them).  When the show started, I even got choked up a bit.  I love watching my kids experience new experiences.  It's almost an out-of-body experience for me.  I love just sitting back and watching their excitement and curiosity.  It was so much fun, and the cast was exceptional!  

But even more exciting than "Wicked" was the birth of my new little nephew, Cash.  Lisa was truly a trooper.  They were at the hospital for 26 hours before Cash decided to make his entrance (or was pulled into existence - literally).  She was progressing so well at first that we thought she would have the baby in the very early hours of Saturday morning.  But, sadly, her labor stopped, and they gave her some serious pitocin to get those contractions going.  She just progressed so slowly.  It took her hours to dilate one centimeter - even with her water broken.  Then, she pushed for about two hours and he was just stuck.  His little head was turned and he just wouldn't come through the birth canal.  The doctor ended up using the vacuum and eventually the forceps to literally yank him out of her.  He is an adorable 8 pounds 15 ounces with dark hair and is a pro at the binkie already (what a good boy).  Lisa was amazing!  

In one of the songs in "Wicked," Glinda (the good witch for those unfamiliar with "Wizard of Oz") is supposedly getting everything she ever dreamed: the most handsome man on her arm, the perfect "job", and the admiration of everyone.  Whenever she is in public, she feels it is her obligation to "appear perfect" (sound familiar anyone?).  At this point in the play, she is beginning to realize that life is much, much more complex.  In this exerpt from one of her songs, she is realizing the truth, and allowing herself to be honest for the first time.  However, near the end, she is trying to convince herself (and those around her) about the meaning of happiness.  She sings:

That's why I couldn't be happier

No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
(spoken) Well - not "simply":
(sung) 'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of : cost
There's a couple of things get: lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still - 
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who 
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?
Happy is what happens

When your dreams come true

Lisa crossed a lot of bridges yesterday that she didn't even realize were there until she was done.  Near the end, after hours of pushing and 26 hours without sleep or food, she was completely exhausted - emotionally and physically.  Matt was struggling with watching his wife having to cross this very precarious and difficult bridge - feeling so helpless.  My mom and my sisters were there, taking turns holding her legs and trying so desperately to support her and give her words of encouragement.  Those last few minutes, I believe every person in that room was praying (in their own way) with all their strength that the baby would just come out.  As I was holding her leg, shedding sympathetic tears and wishing beyond anything that I could do something for her...anything...to just give her some relief...to ease her pain.  I saw it in my mom's eyes, too.  I really believe that at that moment, I would have climbed up on that bed and taken over for her.  But this wasn't my trial - not my bridge.  This was Lisa's.  She had to do it.  She had to be strong - stronger than she's ever been before.  She had to dig deep and find the courage and energy and faith to just keep pushing - no matter how difficult.  Afterward, the doctor came up to her, put his hand on her shoulder and solemnly said, "That was really hard."  He's right; that was really hard.  But Lisa proved that she can do really hard things, and like every mother before her and every mother yet to come, she definitely has some war wounds to prove that she fought a tough battle.  

I believe that one of the reasons that giving birth is so profound is that it is such a beautiful metaphor for our lives.  I looked around the room today at church, and I noticed a lot of people who were currently crossing their own bridges; treacherous, scary, difficult bridges that have been put in their path.  I noticed a lot of people that have been through seemingly insurmountable trials, sometimes one on top of the other (kind of like those contractions near the end of labor that don't seem to give you a break), and they have miraculously survived.  They have also proved that they can do really, really hard things - wounds and all.   And I noticed a lot of people that I don't really know, but I assume that some of them may also being going through very difficult, painstaking trials of which I know nothing.  

I don't believe that "Happy is what happens when your dreams come true."  At this point in my life (32), I have a new theory.  It is different than my 22-year-old theory of life, and it will probably be different than my 42-year-old theory of life.  So, here goes: I believe that happiness in this life has much more to do with setting goals (dreams, if you will) and then living with contentment and finding happiness in the journey.  When we come to those "bridges," which can be scary, exciting, fascinating, etc., we need to continuously dig deep within our souls and carry on with courage, strength, and faith - pushing harder than we've ever pushed before.  And although there isn't a chubby, pink, dark-eyed, gorgeous, absolutely perfect baby waiting for us on the other side of all of our bridges, there is always a reward.  

I am reminded of a quote from Elder Holland that I used in my Easter talk on the "Atonement."  He states: "One of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path - the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends...We will never be left alone or unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are."  

It was so apparent to me that Lisa was not alone last night.  I felt the Spirit in the room, and I was praying constantly that the Lord would sustain her just a little longer.  I could feel of our Heavenly Father's loving care that he has for this special daughter of his.  She was also given the gift of such a caring medical staff.  These people (nurses, anesthesiologist, doctor) genuinely cared for my sister, her husband, and this baby.  Her nurse was amazing!  My mom and I commented to each other (and we've given birth eight times between the two of us) that we have never, ever had such an attentive nurse.  She did not leave my sister's side for three hours!  She knew exactly what to say, offered endless patience and encouragement, and seemed to calm her down at just the right moments.  As I stood there, I felt overwhelming gratitude for this woman who I believe was a gift to help her get through those most difficult moments.  She could do what the rest of us could not, and I know Lisa felt supported.  The doctor was focused and professional as he made very difficult, split-second decisions.  Although I felt helpless, I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave me so many sisters (my mom included).  We are not a perfect family, but at that moment, we were completely united in purpose.  It was a very peaceful, surreal feeling that binds me even stronger to these good people.  

None of us could carry Lisa across her bridge, but the Lord blessed her with so many helpers.  We need each other.  And I believe there is so much happiness in finding the good in even the most difficult, complex situations. 

 

Welcome to our family little Cash.  There are no easy answers to life, and who knows what adventures you will travel.  I do know that there are so many people who love you and are here to help you.  I can't wait to get to know you better!

Goodbye Butterflies (sniff...sniff)

Well, I finally broke down and painted the babies room so it will look a little more boy-ish.  It was incredibly difficult for me, and I tried my best to make it work somehow so I could keep my beloved butterflies.  Someone suggested that I just add green frogs hopping around.  But, anyway you look at it, two little boys need to live in the room for the next several years, and there are pink and purple butterflies everywhere you look.  I felt obligated to put a little more effort into creating "their space."

I am horrible at home decorating.  I'm not very good at it, and I have a difficult time actually spending money.  So, put that combination together, and it is a definite talent that I admire in others and love to see other people's homes, but it just overwhelms me to do my own.  Therefore, any decorating project is painful for me.  When I was pregnant with Macy, my sister-in-law Aimee (who is Queen of All Things Crafty) helped me (who starts sweating just walking into a store like Michaels or Roberts) stamp these adorable butterflies swarming around the room.  I found an equally adorable butterfly crib set that matched perfectly (and was on clearance at Target - even better) to match.  My girls have absolutely loved their own little butterfly garden, as have several nieces and friends that come into our home.  

To make things even more adorable, my mom pieces a quilt together for all of her grandchildren.  (She even hand-quilted Austin's.  When she handed it to me, she said, "Here, give this to his wife one day."  I have that beautiful piece of work safely tucked away.)  This is the one that she made for Macy, and it matched the room perfectly.  This picture DOES NOT do it justice.  You should see the detail in the fabric and each little square.  It is beautiful! 

 

To prove to you how difficult this was, I've actually had the room taped up since February.  But, finally, last weekend, I succumbed and painted it a very manly brown to match the new bedding.  I will post pictures when I finish.  I went to put up the new window valence, and it didn't fit.  So, I had to order another panel.  Not expensive - just time consuming.  Some people would probably think to measure a window before purchasing a valence.  Like I said, I'm not very good at this decorating thing.

The Great Motherhood Debate

So, yesterday, I got my hair cut.  Unfortunately, the power went out during the process so I was there for two hours!!!  We had a long time to chat.  I like the girl that I go to, and she has a very unique approach to cutting hair.  She actually cuts and styles wigs, so she does a lot of the cutting and styling when my hair is dry.  She has three little kids (all under the age of 5) and she does all of the wig styling and maintenance for Hale Center Theater and Empress Theater in Magna.  Both theaters have a show opening in two weeks so she is crazy busy getting ready for those.  She also does a lot of the makeup design at both theaters.  She is also starring in a show at the Empress Theater and she works at the wig store cutting and styling wigs and "real" hair.  She is very talented, and is considered the valley's "wig expert" - she has really carved out a niche for herself and is in quite high demand.  We talked a lot about how she manages work and motherhood.  It actually boggles my mind.  I can't even manage my three kids without all of the extra stuff.

A little while later in our conversation, we talked about her family some more.  She and her sister were working the shop that day, and while I was there, another sister called.  So, I naturally asked about the rest of her siblings.  She comes from a family of nine kids - NINE - seven girls and two boys.  Since we are a few weeks away from becoming a family with five kids, I have been contemplating what constitutes a "big" family.  I feel like five kids (seven people including Greg and myself) can be considered big.  

Three kids have felt like I am comfortably satisfied - as if I'm out to a nice dinner and even though I could eat more, possible even order dessert, I could also leave at that moment feeling happy.  Four kids would have been filling, but five kids is feeling like I've gorged myself a bit.  You amazing women out there that have six, seven, eight, nine (or more!!!) - You are my heroes and I am grateful that there are people out there with the patience, organization, and love to raise that many sweet babes.  

When my hairstylist said her mother raised nine kids, I had to express my surprise and admiration.  Wow!!!  What an amazing woman!  Just planning to feed that many people completely boggles my mind.  How on earth did she do it?!?

Then came the comment: Well, she didn't work, so she had the time and energy to take care of that many people.

I suddenly felt deflated.  I don't work.  In fact, I have tried very hard in the past year or so to simplify my outside interests so I can focus more on my family.  And there are days when the demands of three kids (plus pregnancy) is simply too much for me.  Some days, we just survive.  On days like these, often full of tears and void of an actual shower, I am overwhelmed with the fact that we will soon be adding two more.  How are we going to do it?!?   

It has been a while since I've run into a "Working Mom's" opinion of "Stay-at-Home Mom's."  I mean with all of the shows that Oprah has dedicated to this topic, I thought that we had all come to an agreement: Motherhood is difficult (and rewarding and wonderful) regardless of the circumstances.  I thought we had established mutual respect for each other.  Yes?  No?

I worked up until the time that I had Macy, and it did work for us, although some days I did feel guilty.  I told my mother once, "Sometimes I feel so badly that I work and Austin has to be babysat."  She said, "Well, if you stayed home all day, some days you would feel bad for him that he was stuck with you."  So true!  Quitting my job completely was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  It took me months and about three tries to really walk away.  After years of financial independence, it was extremely difficult to turn it over - completely - to another person.  I still struggle with it.  

Both of my grandmothers worked outside the home, and I have felt that they kind of think I've chosen the "easy way."  When I was working and had Austin (and my grandmother's brain had not yet succumbed to Alzheimer's), she made the comment that I am just like her.  "I just couldn't stand to stay home all day either.  My mind needed to be constantly challenged and I loved working."  She also explained how well she managed everything and how accommodating her boss was when it came to school programs or sick children.  I have often wondered if she thought I was "weak" when I decided to quit my job.

I really don't want to turn this into a debate over who is right: Working Mothers or Stay-at-Home Mothers.  I really believe that it was the right decision for my family to quit my job.  At times, I have contemplated going back to work on a part-time basis, and each time, I have felt like it is not the right thing for our family.  However, I am not about to make a judgement call on another person's family.  I believe that this is a very important decision that each woman (and couple) should make based on their own circumstances.  

I am wondering if all of you "Working Mothers" feel judged by "Stay-at-Home Mothers?"  Do you "Stay-at-Home Mothers" feel judged by "Working Mothers?"  I don't feel deflated anymore.  This is the right thing for us, so it doesn't matter what other people think.  Just wanted to pick your brain on this subject.  

Shot Through the Heart

So, yesterday I had a stellar Mommy moment.  Why does the playroom stress me out so badly?!?  I think it's because when I come downstairs to find every single toy that we own strewn out on the floor, it makes me think that my kids are too spoiled and don't appreciate what they have.  I hollered and threatened.  I pretty much banished them from everything other than breathing: no friends, no TV, no computer, no food, no love.  (Just kidding on the last two.)  

They cleaned up for a while, then we ate dinner and had Family Home Evening.  Then, they went to bed.  Even though I didn't yell it this time, I lovingly reminded them that they were to have no enjoyment until the playroom was clean no matter how many days it took.  When we woke up this morning, I asked Greg to wake Austin and have him get dressed while I made breakfast.  Greg came back into the room after about 30 seconds to announce that Austin was completely ready for school and was working on the toys in the basement.  

Yes, I believe that I'll have Cheerios with a huge side of guilt for breakfast.  

Sweet boy.

An Easter Tradition: Horrendous Pictures of My Children

Even though we have three degrees of higher education between the two of us, Greg and I are not very smart sometimes.  We decided to attempt some Easter pictures right after church but before lunch in order to keep the clothes clean.  Greg got them situated while I grabbed the camera.  He was attempting to put them in front of the Spring flowers, but strategically hiding the weeds.  Unfortunately, it was straight sunlight. 

For the Record: Empty stomachs + nap time + candy waiting inside the house + staring into the sun = Disaster!

It really didn't get much better when we moved into the shade.  My favorite part of this entire experience was Greg standing behind me yelling at the kids for not cooperating.  Thus, we add these beauties to the previous eight years of absolutely terrible and uncooperative Easter Day pictures. At least we are consistent.

This is probably the best one:

Easter wardrobe provided by Allyson (Austin's shirt), Jackie (Macy's dress), and Alexie (Paige's dress & shoes).  Gotta love hand-me-downs!  Thank you to all of you good, kind, generous people for thinking of us!

My Two-Year-Old Darling (Yeah Right)

Paige is taking to being a two-year-old just like a fish to water.  Therefore, once again, Greg and I are reminded of the astronomical amount of patience required for raising children.  Some days, we are blessed with the proper amount, and other days, well...we fall astronomically short.  Just a few of her latest:

• Whenever we ask her to come (even for pleasant things such as getting in her high chair to eat - that girl loves to eat), she turns around and starts running as fast as she can in the opposite direction - while laughing hysterically.
• She torments Macy to no end.  Whenever Macy is playing with something, Paige watches like a hawk, and as soon as Macy turns her back, Paige swoops in, grabs the Polly Pocket or tea cup or stuffed animal, and runs to her room screaming "Mine!  No Macy, No!"
• Whenever she isn't quite ready for a nap or bedtime, she likes to throw everything out of her crib, take off ALL of her clothes, and jump.  Occasionally, she'll wear herself out and fall asleep - completely and utterly naked!  
  
• Why walk on the sidewalk???  Instead, she thinks it is endless fun to race out the front door into the street, giggling with pride for her naughtiness.  
• Potty Training = Making Mom CRAZY!  Two months ago, Paige was having maybe one accident a week.  Now, she can seriously wet her pants three times in an hour and not bat an eye.  She hasn't had a #2 accident in months, but she has reverted something terrible with #1, and she could CARE LESS!!!  She just smiles, with wet pants and a puddle on the floor, and says, "Mommy, I need to go potty."  What makes me absolutely nuts is the fact that she can do it, she just doesn't care to do it.  I have packed a changed of panties and clothes in my purse for four months now, and she has never...not EVER...had an accident in public.  She can hold it for hours, and she actually tells me before she goes if we are in the grocery store or library.  But at home, you can just forget it!  She doesn't care!  Arggg!  It makes me want to cry to think of three babies in diapers.  

Okay, okay, she still does some pretty cute things.  The other day, she spent about an hour in her room nursing her sick stuffed animals and babies.  She gathered up pillows from various beds in the house, put the sick little darlings on the pillows, and then got every, single baby blanket out and tucked them in.  She then took a pretend baby bottle and fed each and every one of them.  

We went to temple square on Friday and ate dinner at Little America afterward.   Before we left, we ran to the bathroom.  As we were washing our hands, there was another woman washing her hands.  She had a short hairstyle where it was kind of spiked in the back.  Paige laughed and said, "Mom, that lady has crazy hair."  (I tell her this when she wakes up from a nap and her hair is out of control.)  Luckily, I don't think the woman could understand her.  

We had the Easter Bunny on Saturday morning this year.  He gave each child a package of Peeps.  Paige walked up to Greg and asked, "Is this chocut?"  Greg explained that it was marshmallow and not chocolate.  She looked at it, set it down, and walked away.  I mean, if it isn't chocolate, what's the use?  Why waste the calories?

Yesterday, Paige walked up to me and said, "Mommy, I all done."  I said, "All done with what?"  She answered, "The shoes."  Then, she took me by the hand and led me into Macy's room.  This is what I found:

These include all of the shoes that she and Macy currently wear, have grown out of, and some that have been passed down and will fit them in a couple of months.  I think we may have shoe issues.  

I feel like my theme song should be "I Will Survive."  The sad thing is that I've always said that I think age 3 is WAY more difficult than age 2.  I guess I'll just keep singing!

* Pictures courtesy of Jen.  Except for the shoe picture; that one is courtesy of Greg!

Magnifying Her Calling

I've been wanting to post for a while now about Paige's amazing Nursery leaders.   Actually, all of my kids have incredible Primary teachers, and we are so grateful for all of them and all the sacrifices that they make on behalf of our children.  But, I am impressed beyond belief every, single week with Sister Reynolds and how she runs that nursery.  Now, our incredibly talented neighbor Meagan was just put into Nursery.  What lucky kids!

I have substituted a few times, and it seriously runs so smoothly that the time just flies.  Every week, Sister Reynolds prepares a lesson with elaborate handouts.  Those kids sit around the table and actually listen to her!  They learn the lesson and Paige can actually tell me what they learned that day.  And snack time - WOW!  One week, when I was subbing, she brought a juice that she made from blending up a jar of canned peaches (one of my mom's favorite treats).  She usually has a fresh fruit and some crackers or fruit snacks.  There are always several options for the kids.  They sit around the table, take turns blessing the food, and are taught polite manners while they eat.  It is the most adorable social experience to witness.  

A couple of weeks ago, we missed church because of sickness.  Who showed up Sunday night with a lesson handout and a hug - Sister Reynolds.  She wanted Paige to know that she was missed.  Seriously, I was shocked when I opened the door.  Paige was so excited too, and Macy kept saying, "Paige, it's your teacher!  It's your teacher!"  Such dedication and love for these kids!

Another thing that Sister Reynolds does for all of the children is a Spotlight.  She asked the parents to fill out an information sheet, and then she creates this incredible poster that tells all about them.  It includes information like her family members, favorite foods, favorite holiday, favorite things to do (in different seasons), favorite color, favorite book, favorite show, etc.  I keep it in Paige's room, and my kids absolutely love to get it out and look at it.  

I think that there is a tendency (even by myself) to think that these kids are so little that they won't remember any of this so why go to so much work every week?  As I have thought about this, two things come to mind:  

1. They probably won't remember the specifics of a lesson or the routine or the snacks, but these leaders are giving these children a foundation of gospel principles (i.e., Jesus created the fish.  I am thankful for the fish.).  More importantly, they are giving them opportunities to feel the Spirit and pure love of Christ each and every week.  
2. These women have hearts that have truly been converted to Christ, and therefore they will serve to the very best of their ability regardless of their calling.  It doesn't matter that they are practically babies.  The Lord has called on them to love and teach, and they do it with wonderful ability and inspiring faith.  I am so grateful to these women who inspire me to do better and shine in whatever the Lord asks of me. 

April Fools

Did anyone else blink...only to realize that you missed Spring?

Or is this Mother Nature's way of playing an April Fool's joke?

I'm not laughing.