Look Not Behind Thee

*WARNING: To those of you who feel that this blog already has too many words, I'm just warning you that this one is going to be a doozy. My brain is full and I just need a good, old-fashioned brain dump.

So, I've been searching for New Years Resolutions for a couple of weeks. I really believe in New Years Resolutions, and I really want to evaluate my life and look for areas of improvement. Here are a few that I came up with:

• Read all four standard works this year.
• Get my house on a "cleaning schedule" (Monday: Laundry, Tuesday: Bathrooms, Wednesday: Floors & Windows, etc.)
• Cut out dessert.
• Stop swearing or yelling. Period.
• Get up at 6 every morning to exercise and read my scriptures before my kids get up.
• Have the house picked up and dinner on the table when my husband gets home from work.
  

I could call these "New Years Resolutions," or I could call them "101 Ways to Fail by February." Are these all things that I should do? Yes. Would they make me a better person? Yes. Have I already tried them (and failed)? Yes. They just weren't sitting right with me. Then, I saw this video. I knew that this was what I was looking for.

The story of Lot and his wife comes from Genesis. This was the time when the people of two cities (Sodom and Gomorrah) became so wicked that the Lord decided to destroy the cities. He warned Lot and his family. “Escape for thy life,” the Lord said. "Look not behind thee...; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.” They did not leave right away, but did eventually leave the city. The Lord did indeed destroy the cities, but Lot's wife could not resist the temptation and did "look back." She was turned into a pillar of salt. Or, in other words, was also destroyed.

Elder Holland offers an explanation as to the nature of the sin of Lot's wife: "Just what did Lot’s wife do that was so wrong? As a student of history, I have thought about that and offer a partial answer. Apparently, what was wrong with Lot’s wife was that she wasn’t just looking back; in her heart she wanted to go back. It would appear that even before she was past the city limits, she was already missing what Sodom and Gomorrah had offered her...It is possible that Lot’s wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. So it isn’t just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. That, apparently, was at least part of her sin."

Like Lot's wife, I tend to look to the past and long for it. Sometimes I long for it because I remember it to be easier; sometimes I long for it because I want to change my behavior; sometimes I long for it because I just can't deal with "today." Unlike Lot's wife, I don't long for the "offerings" of Sodom or Gomorroah. I think that Elder Holland's words express how I feel: "As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives."

These are a few things that I need to let go of and "look not behind":

• Guilt of Parenting
• Childbearing
• Forgiveness of Family Members
• Marriage

This is the key to my success (more words from Elder Holland):

"So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.

To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now, to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future, and to miss the here and now and tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there and then and yesterday are some of the sins of Lot’s wife.

“Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come” (Hebrews 9:11)."

Throughout the year, I am going to try to remember this phrase: Look Not Behind Thee. I am going to try to work through a lot of my guilt and longing for the past. I am going to be better at living in the moment and having faith in the future.

R20M

My children each receive a daily planner the first day of school. They are supposed to write down their homework assignments daily and any notes from the teacher or correspondence comes home through these planners.

This is a copy of a page from Macy's planner from the 2nd week of school. Every word is carefully written out and spelled correctly (with the exception of a few backward letters). Notice her precise, cautious handwriting on Wednesday:

This is a copy of a page from Macy's planner from last week. She didn't even get the zero in on Tuesday:

I'm telling you...that girl has a talent, a true natural ability for getting out of work. She's very gifted, really. She definitely works harder at getting out of work than actually doing the work.

R20M has become our family code-word for taking the easy way out. Don't get me wrong, I believe that some things deserve a little R20M. Like my make-up for instance. If make-up takes me longer than 3 minutes, it's just not worth it. Or my car. I wish I cared about my car the way my dad does, but it is just so far down on the list. I can't keep it washed and vacuumed out, so I just R20M-it.

But, I'm afraid that I have taken the R20M approach to motherhood lately. I found a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about work. He says: "When our wagon gets stuck in the mud, God is much more likely to assist the man who gets out to push than the man who merely raises his voice in prayer-no matter how eloquent the oration. President Thomas S. Monson put it this way: 'It is not enough to want to make the effort and to say we'll make the effort...It is in the doing, not just the thinking, that we accomplish our goals. If we constantly put our goals off, we will never see them fulfilled'."

Every night when my kids are asleep, I decide that it's time to step it up and put forth the effort into being more patient, more loving, more encouraging, and actually teaching them pro-actively rather than reacting to every situation. Then, the morning comes, and the kids can't seem to get out the door to school without my nagging and criticizing and yelling. I use the excuse that the twins are still so little and I'm just so exhausted, or that it's winter and being indoors all day is making us all so grouchy, or that they are just too young for certain lessons and I'll step it up when they are older, .

But the truth is that I am taking the R20M route instead of slowing down, taking the time, being cautious and careful, and doing the best I can. In the same talk, Elder Uchdorf also said: "The Lord doesn't expect us to work harder than we are able. He doesn't (nor should we) compare our efforts to those of others. Our Heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can-that we work according to our full capacity, however great or small that may be." The problem is that sometimes I hide behind the excuse of "I'm doing the best I can" when that isn't really true at all. My best is not lingering in bed rather than getting up early enough to ensure that we aren't rushed in the morning. My best is not going straight to threats and anger instead of getting creative and exercising patience with my kids. My best is not throwing them in bed as fast as I can so I can plop down in front of the TV to watch my shows. Quite frankly, my "best" needs a swift kick in the behind.

Elder Uchtdorf makes a promise for hard work of any kind: "Work is an antidote for anxiety, and ointment for sorrow, and a doorway to possibility." I get so frustrated with my parenting and my kids and I do feel a huge amount of anxiety because of the choices that they make. But this promise gives me hope. It tells me that if I work harder, and sincerely put forth my "best effort," then some of that anxiety goes away.

Instead of R20M, I am committing to "Read 20 minutes" in my best handwriting. Starting today.

33 (for 2 more days)

I'm not one for birthdays-at least mine. Generally, I get very crabby and impatient (well, more than usual) around my birthday. Yesterday, I thought that I was actually doing pretty well with it this year. Tonight, I think that I am actually not handling it all that great.

It isn't the whole aging thing. Besides the fact that gravity seems to be winning the battle already, I actually don't mind getting older. In a lot of ways, I am starting to really figure out who I am and feeling pretty comfortable in my own skin. It also helps that I am married to someone 6 years older than myself. By the time I finally reach a number, he is over and done with it and I can see that he survived.

I think it might be the attention. I don't know. I think I would just die of embarrassment if Greg ever threw me a party. I just don't like all the attention on myself. A little strange coming from a person who writes a blog all about herself, right?!? I guess I feel like I can hide behind my words on this blog. There is just something about being the center of attention that makes me uncomfortable. And, whenever I'm uncomfortable (or frustrated or tired or embarrassed), my go-to reaction is anger. I really can't stand that about myself.

So, for my birthday, I think I would like to dig a big hole and climb inside for the day. Except for the fact that we can't find the ground in order to dig, and I am not about to stand inside a giant snow-globe for the entire day. I guess I'll just grin and bear it and pray that my family will forgive me for my orneriness.

I guess that will pretty much make it the same as any other day. :-)

Come on, does anyone out there feel this way about their birthday???

January Jumble

Greg to Paige: "You better watch it." Paige to Greg: "What are you going to do...blind me with pepper spray?"

Who can name the movie???

* * *

I was substituting in Primary last Sunday, and we were discussing how Satan tries to convince us that making bad choices isn't really that bad. There was a story about a prince who gets captured. His captors try to get him to do bad things like lie, steal, say bad words, be unkind to others, etc. When I got to the "say bad words" one, Gracie piped up and said, "Like b-u-t-t and h-e-double l?" When I mentioned eating and drinking food that will harm his body, one child yelled out, "Like beer," while another child added, "or Pepsi?"

You know, you really have it all figured out when you're 6. It must be wonderful to live in a world where the worst thing to put into your body is beer (or Pepsi), and the most offensive thing to come out of your mouth is "h-e-double hockey sticks." I sort of envy 6.

* * *

The highlight of Spencer and Kade's week is helping with the laundry. When they hear the laundry doors open, they come running-like-the-wind. They love to get the dirty laundry and throw it in the washer while I lift them up, and they love getting the wet clothes and putting them in the dryer. Their favorite part is slamming the dryer door shut.

* * *

My kids school has this amazing program called "Discovery" (run by my equally amazing sister). Throughout the school year, they have different areas of development (physical, service, performing arts, etc.) and they several different classes under the topic. They have people from the community come in and teach the classes (their ballroom dance teacher used to work for "Dancing With the Stars"). They have the kids for an entire afternoon once a week while the teachers use that for prep-time. I'm not doing it justice in my description; just know that it is awesome and the kids love it.

This session, Macy signed up for "Boys World" because she "really likes boys."

* * *

Greg went in for laser eye surgery on Monday. They did the surgery behind a glass wall so I could watch. While he was getting ready to operate, the doctor looked at me and asked if I always smiled like that. Greg's response: "Only when I'm in the room." The doctor thought he was pretty funny. (Don't tell him, but I do too.)

* * *

This is how Austin looked when he came up to say goodnight (why yes, he is wearing two pair of glasses - one for seeing and one for all of the dart gun wars you have while sleeping):

The kid cracks me up.