Monkeys

That is what I call them because they are EVERYWHERE!!!

I am amazed at how far babies come in their first year. To think that just eight-and-a-half months ago, these two little boys couldn't do anything - ANYTHING - for themselves (not even eat or stay warm on their own), and now they are rulers of the house and they are lovin' it!!! It is simply amazing!

One of the funniest things about these two little monkeys is their desire to climb up and over anything. It's like they seek out obstacles and try to scale them. They would be so happy if we just transformed our Family Room into a mini jungle gym with tunnels and hills and stairs. They have both been "Army Crawling" for a while now. They just use their arms to pull themselves in any direction that looks interesting. A few weeks ago, Spencer figured out the arm/leg coordination and he can definitely book it! In the past few days, Kade is starting to figure it out as well. Spencer can get down the hall and into any room he desires in a matter of seconds. Kade, on the other hand, prefers the challenge of under the table and loves the fringe on the kitchen rug.

One of the funniest things they do is crawl in and out of the bottom of our "vintage" (1990s) bouncer/saucer. At first, they pulled themselves in when their was an interesting toy stuck in the bottom. But now, they just love to climb in and hang out. I'll often find them resting their little heads on the rim. It doesn't matter if one baby is in the bouncer; they really don't mind getting stepped on. Sometimes, they just crawl in and crawl right out (and do it over and over again) just for the fun of it.

Here is Spencer about a month ago (Spencer was the first to discover this exhilarating game):

This is a couple of days ago (Spencer sitting in the bouncer and Kade is crawling underneath):

Oh, and although neither one of the boys are remotely interested in baby food (they don't care for the puree - they dramatically act as if they are choking), nor have they figured out that when they have food in their hand, they can actually put it in their mouth (they just play with it in-between their fingers), we have officially become these people:

They really are a TON of fun and such a joy (most of the time)!

*They actually do have hair. It is just so blond that it doesn't show up when the backdrop is a bright window.

**Kade's head looks enormous in that last picture. He does have the bigger head, but that angle really accentuates it. Sorry Bud!

A Psychoanalytic Essay Centered Around Weaning

I realized last Saturday that I need to quit nursing my babies. I have noticed a decline in my milk the past month or so, and I have tried everything I can think of to increase my supply. However, I am not succeeding. Neither one of them seems interested in baby food (they'll eat it if it isn't pureed but still get the "Are you kidding me?" look on their faces whenever something is in their mouths); I think I might be starving them. This is about the same time that I lost my milk with my other babies. I knew it was coming.

I sobbed until my pillow was soaked.

I've been trying to psychoanalyze myself. Why in the world am I having such a difficult time accepting that this chapter of my life is over (the bearing children chapter)??? I know that I cannot have any more children (we've been over this), so why is it so hard for me to be happy about the next chapter? Good grief - we have five...5...FIVE kids, and there was a time when we seriously wondered if we would even have two. Why can't I just count my blessings? In trying to get completely honest with myself, I realized that I am good at babies, but I am not good at older children. I don't know what to do with them. I don't know how to nurture them and show them affection. I'm truly horrible at it.

I am terrified.

I wish I had those first few years of Austin's life on video (not creepy, reality show video, but just something that I have to myself to capture all those feelings that I had for him). I was a fabulous mother. Even though he was a fussy baby, I absolutely adored him. I worked part time after I had him. My manager had a baby six months before Austin, and we created an in-office day care for the two of them. It was perfect. When he was a newborn, I nursed him while at work, and when he got a little older, I would visit him several times a day. We ate lunch together, and I even potty trained him while at work because he was a few feet away from me the entire time. If he ever got hurt or was just too tired, I could console him or rock him to sleep. I just took my breaks with him. He was the highlight(s) of my day.

I remember being at my in-laws house when Austin was about the age of Spencer and Kade (maybe eight or nine months) and my niece (who is possibly the most observant child I have ever met) asked me why I kiss him so much. Without missing a beat, I told her that is how babies grow. Her mom laughed and agreed with me. I had never noticed how much time I spent munching his cheeks, tickling his chest with my chin, or pretending to eat his legs to get a laugh. I had never noticed how much I actually looked forward to changing his diaper because it meant that I got to play with him for a few minutes.

At Austin's baby shower, I remember playing an advice game (where everybody gives you the best parenting advice they have). I remember someone saying that a mother should always light up when her child enters the room. I did this with him. I remember crawling into his room to get him up for his nap and peeking over the side. He knew this game well and would be so quiet and excited with the anticipation, then he would squeal with delight when I peeked into the crib. Sometimes, I would twiddle my thumbs waiting for him to wake up because I missed him (sounds pretty cheesy huh).

As a toddler, Austin was obsessed with anything "Construction." He had construction Tonka trucks, giant replica's to play with in the dirt, and documentaries on how to build a road or how to build a skyscraper. When we went to the library (which I did dutifully every three weeks), he came home with stacks of books about backhoes and dump trucks. I used to pack lunches for the two of us and drive to a construction site. We would watch them work while we ate lunch. He LOVED it!

When I lost baby after baby, I had Austin to console me. I wanted a baby so badly that my arms ached - literally. There were days when I felt like I had been lifting weights all day because my arms throbbed to be cuddling a baby. There were several nights when I would go into Austin's room, scoop up his too-big body, and attempt to rock him. I was so grateful I had him. He saved me. He gave me a purpose (a darling, energetic, toe-headed reason) to get out of bed in the morning, put on a happy face, and enjoy him to the fullest. He also gave me a purpose to keep fighting. I just felt so compelled to do anything in my power to get him a sibling. When I wanted to give up, I thought of him, and I knew I needed to keep searching for an answer and just keep trying.

Then Macy was born and Austin was three. He did not adjust well. He had been the center of my universe, his Daddy's universe, and my parent's universe for three years. Sharing the spotlight did not come easily. I had quit work completely at this point, but I thought that perhaps he needed something that was entirely his to help him with his behavior. I signed him up for a little preschool program. He was only gone a few hours a week, but I hoped it would help him feel special and like a very "Big Boy."

After just a few days at school, the teacher walked him out to the car with "The Look." I had never seen "The Look" before. It was the look of complete and utter exhaustion and frustration and it said, "I don't get paid enough to put up with this kid." (Unfortunately, I know "The Look" all too well by now. I can spot it a mile away. It's okay for me to have "The Look," but it sends me spinning when I see it on other people.) She explained how he was hitting and that hitting is not allowed in school and maybe he just isn't old enough yet and maybe I should reconsider and maybe take a few months and teach him how not to hit. Fabulous!

I have thought long and hard about my reaction to other's peoples reactions to my children. I really believe that it isn't that I want my kids to fit into the box that other people create for them, and it really isn't that I care what other people think (mostly). I think my answer is two-fold. First, I do not like to cause problems. I've always tried to "play by the rules" even though I rarely agree with the rules. (See how complicated it gets when you try to be honest with yourself.) I don't like to get in trouble. I don't like to be called out. When I see "The Look," I feel so desperately that I've done something wrong, and I'm embarrassed that we've caused trouble. Secondly, I've realized that it breaks my heart because I'm intentionally sending my children to be instructed by someone that can't stand them. I don't want my children feeling so unloved and like a "bad" kid. Unfortunately, my reaction is anger. I'm angry that my kids aren't acting the way that they've been taught so they don't cause problems so people don't have to dislike them and treat them like they dislike them. I'm angry that I can't always protect them. I'm angry that I don't know how to react.

The dichotomy of this is that I know my children need to make mistakes. I am so extremely grateful for the mistakes I've made in my life. My parents were amazing to let me make my own choices, even when they knew that it was going to be disastrous and that I'd have some pretty big consequences to deal with. I know there are certain lessons that I would not have learned without going through those experiences. I have a much greater understanding of the Savior because of those experiences.

My parents are amazing.

Getting back to my main problem: I don't know how to parent when the struggles change from one million diapers and the price of formula and not sleeping through the night in nearly 9 years to succeeding in school, gaining a testimony, teaching responsibility and work ethic, successful relationships with other people, selflessness, charity, etc., etc., etc. I don't know how to show affection when I can no longer rock a baby to sleep or pull a toddler on my lap to cuddle up with a book or give chubby little tummy zerbets or play peek-a-boo with the blankets when I am tucking my 4-year-old in bed.

I am terrified.

I have more doubts than I've ever had about this next phase of my life. I feel like a failure before I've even started. Greg is so much better at nurturing Austin and Macy. When Macy gets hurt or scared, the only person she wants is her dad (and she's pretty honest in letting me know that I am NOT her first choice-and rarely her second). Greg is amazing with Austin. A couple of weeks ago, I asked Greg to teach me how to sit and build a lego ship. I don't know how. I asked him how he can lie on the lower bunk while Austin is in the top bunk and just chat for a half an hour. Or how he can drive up to Lava Hot Springs with Austin and talk and play the entire time. What do they talk about? How does he get Austin to open up? Why, oh why, can't I do it?

I simply don't know how to be a loving, supportive mother to an older child. I remember rocking and loving Austin as a baby and looking into those inquisitive, blue eyes and saying, "I love you so much! I promise I will never yell at you! I never want to hurt you! I promise that I will only be uplifting and 100% supportive! You will always know how much I love you!" Now I hold Spencer and Kade with the same inquisitive, blue eyes and say, "I love you so much! I wish I could promise you that I'll never yell at you or lose my temper, but I will. There will probably be days when I'll want to leave you on the curb with a sign that says 'Free.' I hope that you will forgive me and still be able to feel my love for you."

Five kids is A LOT more than three. Most of the time, I don't feel the affects too badly. I simply "do" because I have to (one foot in front of the other right?!?). But there are definitely times when it overwhelms me. (How in the world do you women do it who have 7 or 8 kids. You are amazing!!!) My wish...my hope...my desire is for my children to know that I love them - through their mistakes and their successes. Now if I can just figure out how to do that after they turn four.

Multi-Tasking is Overrated

As I was helping Macy with her homework, getting after-school snacks, helping Austin with piano, getting Austin ready for Scouts, getting babies down for a nap, and vacuuming, this is what happened:

Their only response: "We're 'Bad Guys'!"

The genius who invented Washable Markers must have been a mother...with a two-year-old! Bless you (whoever you are)!!!

I must admit, I am quite impressed with the array of colors that they used. They were definitely going for "Artistic" and not just "Naughty."


Their "Bad Guy" faces:

Side note: Despite my best efforts (I put ALL the bottles of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, baby wash, soap, etc. on the counter before I ran the water), they dumped out half a bottle of body wash while they were in the tub. They just laughed and said, "We're stinkerpots! Right!?!"

My Husband Makes Me Smile

On Christmas morning, I reached for a present and Greg got nervous. Before I could rip the wrapping paper off, he explained over and over again how he had gone out on a limb with this gift and he's so sorry if I don't like it. I could not imagine what might be in the package to get him so crazy nervous. Then, I opened it and saw these:

I laughed a little and I guess the look on my face said, "Hey crazy man, why would you think that books are a 'gamble' of a present." I love to read, so I love getting books. Then, he went on to explain how he went to the bookstore and explained to the sales woman what I like to read. To paraphrase his own words to this poor woman who happened to be working at that moment: "She really likes books about real events where the people are really oppressed. She just loves to read about WWII concentration camps and stuff like that."

I have only read "Snow Flower" about the horribly oppressed women that lived in a small village in China near the beginning of the 19th Century. There was much detail about foot binding and class struggles and war and famine and illness. I loved it! I am anxious to get started on "Peony in Love."

For my birthday, Jen gave me this:

She picked it up for me and read it first herself. (I can't tell you how much I love that she did that. We gave Maddie a movie for Christmas - one that she requested. We hadn't seen it, so we opened it and watched it before we gave it to her.) Anyway, her excitement after reading the book was overwhelming. I started and it had me hooked from the first page. I was up until 12:30 (or later) every night last week while I read and forced myself to stop. It is set in 1962 in Jackson, Mississippi and addresses the complicated relationship of white women and their maids. Stockett has a gift for gripping your attention and then making you wait (most impatiently) for the resolution. But, by the time you reach the resolution to one "story," you are caught up in the middle of another one. She is a fabulous writer. I highly recommend this book.

I was reading in bed one night when Greg came up and started getting ready for bed. He was in the bathroom getting his toothbrush ready, asking me about my book. He asked me if I liked it and I quickly, but adamantly, exclaimed my love for the book. He said, "Is there a lot of oppression in it?" I smiled and answered, "Tons!" He smiled and said, "Good." After he brushed his teeth, he popped his head out of the bathroom and asked, "Does it have more oppression than my book?" I laughed and told him that it didn't. He was so thrilled that he won!

He cracks me up!

Mace

MACY'S PRAYER:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this day.

Thank you for President Monston. Thank you that he won't get sick.

(whispering) Dad, can you help me?

Greg (also whispering): You can do it by yourself. Just say things that you are thankful for.

(Pausing...Thinking...Looking around the room for inspiration...Spies Paige's pillow case full of barnyard animals.)

Thank you for horses that we can ride.

Thank you for chickens that wake us up in the morning.

Thank you for sheep that we can make clothes.

Thank you that Dad is my dad. Thank you that Emily is my mom. Thank you that Austin is my brother. Thank you that Paige is my sister. Thank you that Spencer and Kade are my baby brothers.

Thank you that I can have a happy life.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

* * *

Macy ran up to me in church today and showed me her picture. She said, "This is what I think heaven is like."

* * *

We started up with the scripture reading at night again (we have blown it for the past month), and Macy desperately wanted to read. So, we had her read the first verse:

And now I, Mormon, make a record of the things which I have both seen and heard, and call it the Book of Mormon. (Mormon 1:1)

She is only in Kindergarten, and is doing really great at her reading, but it takes a while for her to get through a verse of scripture - we do it pretty much word by word. When she got to the word, "call," she looked up at me and exclaimed: "You mean they had phones back in those days?!?" I laughed and explained the dual meaning of the word, "call." Hilarious!

The Answer to World Peace: Chore Charts

Okay, maybe not "World Peace," but it certainly has helped keep the peace in our house lately. We've always had chore charts. Greg makes fun of me for all the charts that have been in and out of our house. We've used stickers, envelopes (you "transfer" the card between envelopes when you've finished), etc. It works wonders for several months, then it loses it's flare and we have to go back to the drawing board and try something new. When I had the twins, I just didn't have the time/energy/ability to put my plan into action. My kids still did chores, but they weren't technically "assigned." I would just ask the kids to unload the dishwasher or vacuum their rooms.

About a month ago, we instituted this new system, and it has made a HUGE difference when it comes to the overall feeling of our home. The problem that I have with most charts is that I do not need the same thing done every day. For example, Monday is laundry day. So, I need clothes sorted on that day, but not the rest of the week. I need clothes put away on Tuesday, but not the rest of the week. So, I came up with this idea. It isn't fancy or cute but it works (for us)!

We (and by "we," I mean Greg) mounted a white board in the hallway. I printed out the kids names, and every night before I go to bed, I write down the chores that need to be done the next day. When the kids are done with their chore, they erase it. (My kids do not get paid for their chores. If they ever whine about it, they get a very long lecture on the importance of family, what it means to belong to a family, and how we need every member to do their part in order to keep our home running smoothly. If they continue to complain, I offer to trade chores with them. I've never had anyone take up my offer. But, I do put extra "paying" chores along the top of the white board.)

If all their chores are erased by the end of the day, they get to "move the diver" (see chart below):

I simply googled "incentive charts" and found this one on Super Nanny website. I printed it out and attached a magnet to the diver. We put a bunch of fun activities in a jar, and we pulled one out and put it at the top of the chart. When they get to 20, they earn the fun activity. (After it was up for a few weeks, I looked more closely at the chart and realized that the mermaid was topless with far too many details. I used a Sharpie to transform the chart from R-rated back to G-rated. Makes you wonder about those British morals. Totally kidding - about the morals, not the nudity. She really was naked.)

It isn't perfect, but I cannot believe how much this system has impacted our home. It has taken 90% of the arguing out of doing chores which has helped to keep the peace, but on some bigger level, it has just helped the kids do better in every aspect of their lives. I started noticing that if Austin gets up and gets his chores done before school, he actually does better at school. Not only does he get in less trouble with his behavior, but he seems to have better focus and concentration. When Macy gets her chores done early, she seems to be a happier, nicer friend, and I get a lot less "attitude" from her. And Paige just wants to be a part of it, so she does things that aren't even assigned to "fit in" with her older brother and sister. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that she is only two. She unloaded the silverware (on her own accord) the other day. (Too bad the dishes hadn't been washed yet.)

The kids earned a trip to the Children's Museum, so we took them yesterday. They all had a ton of fun, and Greg and I didn't do too badly on one of our first true outings with 5 kids.

Paige made fake sandwiches in the fake deli at the fake grocery store for 25 minutes:

Then she tended a fake garden and fed fake vegetable to a fake horse for another 25 minutes:

The real Austin helped the real Paige plant fake flowers in a fake flower box in front of the fake house:

Spencer, standing up backward in his carseat in the stroller - bouncing up and down and aching to get down and crawl all over the place (yes, he's got the knee/hand coordination down now):

Kade found a way to play:

Austin (I love the tongue):

Q&A

A brief interview with myself.

Q: Where have you been? The blogging world hasn't been the same without your wit and wisdom!

A: I've been busy keeping my New Year's Resolution. I've been watching the weight shed off. (Not physical weight. Although I am sick-to-death of my post-pregnancy body, I don't care enough yet to actually take action. So, I am currently making peace with my "I bore five children" body. Perhaps I'll join a gym in June. We'll see.) I have been throwing out all our STUFF!!! I've felt 10 pounds lighter with every closet organized, every bathroom cabinet vacuumed out, every bag sent to the thrift stores. Ahhhh....

Q: Have you been taking pictures with the new lens your amazing husband got you for Christmas?

A: Why, yes, I have (and I have been LOVING the new lens that I pined over for a year now). However, I have not been editing much. But, I did have the opportunity to attend this life-changing event (not one ounce of sarcasm there - in all honesty, it was a highlight of my life). Thank you Spence and Jackie for asking us to attend your Sealing. Here are a few shots from the day (and the blizzard - it was so stinkin' cold)!

*My very favorite part of these pictures is how it is so obvious how much everybody adores Jackie. You can see it in the eyes of her husband and children. She is so amazing!

Q: How often do you have to sweep the floor now that you have two crawlers in the house?

A: 10 times a day (and it still isn't enough)!

Q: How much do you love/adore/cherish your husband?

A: There aren't enough adjectives in the English language. Really.

Now, a few questions for you - all my friends in the blogging world:

Q: What was your favorite Christmas gift?

Q: Don't you think my mom looks like she's cooking up a secret, conniving plot? I just can't tell if it's aimed at Abby or Lisa. Hmmm....

Dear Walmart Employees

When you see me coming (short, dark hair, rarely wears make-up, generally has 3 or 4 screaming children in the cart), please feel free to put more than one item in a bag.

I'm begging you!!!