Things I Know to be True

It has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. One of our neighbor's passed away last Tuesday at the age of 17. At the funeral yesterday, another neighbor told me that she had never understood the saying "a heavy heart," but felt that she finally knew what people were talking about. Greg and I talked about this last night. Unfortunately, we have had a few experiences in our (almost) 14 years of marriage that we have experienced that "heavy heart." This week has been no exception.

I've written the details and my very raw, personal feelings in my bright orange journal. But since I am using this blog to document our family's life and hopefully leave it for my children, I've been thinking about what I can write in this venue. I've had so many emotions and thoughts this week, but here is a brief list of (some) of the things that I know.

• People are good. Human beings, at our innate core, are good; really good. We are all born with the light of Christ. At times, our selfishness can surface. But when tragedy strikes, people have the innate desire to help and ease another person's pain.  I have witnessed hundreds of acts of pure, unselfish love this week. The Lord has surrounded us with good people, and they will be there to support and build up when we need them. 

• Difficult things happen in this life. Hard things happen whether we are good, righteous people, striving to live the commandments and love our fellow man. Hard things happen whether we are rebellious, cruel, and vindictive. This is part of life. When we were born, and received the greatest gift of a mortal body, we exposed ourself to the trials and hardships of this earthly life. No one is exempt. 

• Heavenly Father loves us immensely and unconditionally even though hard things will happen to us in this life. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us immensely and unconditionally even though hard things will happen to us in this life. They weep along side us when we feel pain.

• One of my favorite scriptures (ever since I discovered it at the age of 14): Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27

• The Lord hears and answers our prayers. Period.

• There are many questions that we have that won't be answered in this lifetime. That's okay. We aren't meant to have all the answers. We can ask "why," but it is not okay to dwell on it. That is when our faith comes in. "Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and concerns. But first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe." - Jeffrey R. Holland

• I will never be able to hear the song "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon again without tears. Such beautiful, poignant lyrics.

• We can never judge another human being. This is difficult to actually do because sometimes people do things that don't seem to make any sense. But we never know what another person is going through. This can be true even for people that are closest to us. "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Attributed to Plato

• You will never be wrong when you follow the Spirit. You will never be wrong when giving a heartfelt compliment. You will never be wrong when you treat others with kindness. 

• When someone is suffering and grieving, there are only two things that need to be said: "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

• Whenever tragedy occurs, the Lord blesses us with numerous tender mercies. "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20). Elder Bednar stated that "the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

• Music is a powerful healing tool. Music speaks to the heart when words seem inadequate. Music motivates emotions.

• We can do hard things. We need to do hard things. 

• Heaven is real. There are ancestors and loved ones on the other side that love us and will help us. Heaven is really not far away. 

• The Savior lives. He loves us. He is so very close and never far away. The Atonement is our greatest gift. It is through the Atonement that peace, healing, forgiveness, and repentance are possible. "And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!" (D&C: 76:22)

• Our Heavenly Father loves us. He has delegated everything else to his son, Jesus Christ (he has even delegated judgement). The only thing left is for our Heavenly Father to love us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. He is our Father. We can go to him for anything and everything. We are so very loved. 

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

First game of the season last night and guess who got the game ball?!? Austin was the last one in the lineup, but the first one to get a hit. He stood up there and cranked a double, earning him an RBI. He then stole 3rd base, and scored on a hit by one of his teammates. Later in the game, he got another hit.

After the game, the coach awarded him the team ball! First time ever!!! He was so happy. He went to bed and was still beaming. I'm so proud of him, and so very happy for him.

He's playing in the 11/12-year old league this year, so he's one of the youngest on the team. He's already small for his age, but put him up against kids older than him anyway, and he looks even smaller. I walked over to practice the other day and thought I was in the wrong place. It looked like a men's team. Despite being the youngest and the smallest, he worked hard, listened to his coaches, and he did it!!! I am so grateful for the good men and women that volunteer their time to help coach these kids. Austin has an unbelievable coach this year. He's so positive and encouraging with them, but he also works these kids hard.

Love seeing that huge smile on his face (although it's hard to capture on camera)!

A Slight Case of Dyslexia

Greg's poor feet. They crack and bleed when the weather changes. I try to convince him to go get a pedicure, but he's not positive that he's manly enough to sport hot-pink toes. The other night, he had some pretty painful cracks on the sides of his feet, so I put on my  Florence Nightingale cap and fixed him up.

Last night, I was in bed reading when Greg came in. He plopped down beside me and said, "Thanks for healing my feet" (obviously referring to the other night). Granted, I was reading and really into my book, but I didn't quite hear him correctly. I put down my book and said, "Thanks for feeling my heat? What are you talking about?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "What are you talking about?" I had no idea! What in the world does "feeling my heat" even mean???

Then, I realized that I had switched the "f" and the "h" in my brain. I broke out in uncontrollable laughter. Then Greg started laughing. For the next fifteen minutes, one of us would just burst out in spontaneous laughter.

It's the little things...

Madhouse

My cute niece had a baby a few days ago. It was her first, and the first great-grandchild for my in-laws. She has this adorable little dark-haired bundle. I find myself a little jealous of her situation. Not break-the-10-commandments, unrighteous-envy type jealousy. I remember being in her situation, and I find myself longing for her innocence.

I remember that Greg and I wanted to "have a baby." We were so thrilled with Austin. Of course, he was an adorable little bald-headed bundle. And when his hair did grow in, it was practically white so it didn't look like he had hair anyway. We were head-over-heels in love at first glance. He was the most wonderful thing ever to enter our life. It never occurred to us that we had "started a family," when all we wanted to do was "have a baby."

It's not that I ever regret living this life. I am extremely grateful for my kids, and feel beyond blessed to get five of them.

I just could never have imagined how hard.this.was.going.to.be.

I had a woman talk to me at church last Sunday about "some people's children." Granted, this woman is quite old, has lost most of her eyesight so she only has her hearing, and has never had children of her own. She told me all about how "it seems like the children are raising their parents." All I could say was that she was right. When she says "some people's children," she's really talking about mine. The image I had in my mind of my six (that's right - SIX was what I always wanted) darling, perfect little angels who were independent and individual thinkers (although in my daydreams, they always managed to come to the "correct" answer all on their own adding to my joy and pride) is not exactly what I got. In fact, it isn't remotely at all what I got. I used to dream of Greg and I sitting lovingly next to each other at church every week, holding hands and listening intently so that our children would know how much we meant to each other and how important the gospel was to us. They would sit reverently, arms folded and listening intently with matching dresses, pressed shirts, and hair bows that looked darling in their perfect hair. I imagined us working together in the yard, learning and growing together. I imagined us all singing songs and playing games while we cleaned up the perfectly organized playroom. It was such a happy, perfect little life in my head.

A life in which I actually showered every day.

I was given five vastly different soldiers. At times, it feels like there are actually seven different armies in my home, all battling one another. The noise...the arguing...the attitude...the tears...the whining...the eye rolling...the tattling...the nasty looks. It's just tough. Last night, Family Home Evening went something like this: (Me) If you are going to act the same way tomorrow that you acted today, don't bother coming out of your room in the morning. We are a family! We are supposed to be each other's greatest blessings, and we treat each other like garbage. I'm sick of it!

That went well.

The only thing these children seem to have in common is that they are all fiercely spirited and individualistic. Which is wonderful! And very challenging!

And they were sent to this Earth with their own, hand-picked set of challenges - trials and struggles that will help mold them and shape them and help them humble themselves to come to Christ. As a mother, it is hard to watch them get older and know that I can't just take it all away. When I realize that a kiss and hug and a Batman/Barbie Bandaid isn't going to magically "make it all better." It is hard to gain a testimony of allowing my children to live their own life and trusting that the Lord will provide them with the experiences and people in their life that will help them grow and evolve.

Motherhood has stripped me of everything I ever knew about myself. In a lot of ways, that woman at church was right: my children are raising me. I make mistakes. It's trial and error you know! And a ton of prayers!!! I am constantly trying new things, some of which work, most don't. I find myself surrounded by a mess - literally and figuratively. I just hope that if we keep trying...keep praying...keep learning from our mistakes...keep getting up every morning (despite the exhaustion)...and keep trying to express our love that we can get glimpses of that love and excitement again. The love that a newborn brings to the home. The excitement of what the future will bring.

"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." - Gordon B. Hinckley

This is quickly becoming my mantra.