The Nasty Web of Selfishness

Sometimes, I can be a brat. I have been a brat for a few weeks now. I even went "on strike" last Monday. On Tuesday, Macy whispered to her dad, "I think Mom forgot that she is on strike." I laughed...in private of course. Because a brat can never let other people see that they made her happy. I think a mix of stress, exhaustion, hormones, expectations, and self-pity created a nasty bomb that exploded in some serious self-loathing and extreme selfishness and snottiness at our house. And it exploded all over my husband.

I am so very sorry.

Then, I got the flu.

I pointed to heaven and told God, "Okay. I think I understand. Things can always be much, much worse." To think I felt overwhelmed when I had a healthy body. With the aches and pains and sweats and chills that came with the sickness, I could hardly function at all.

So, I apologized (yet again) to my wonderful husband, and we passionately pressed our cheeks together (remember: contagious flu = no kissing) and he forgave me

immediately.

Then he went forth taking care of me and my sweet Paige (who also had the flu). He is my great teacher. He is so quick to forgive and forget. He does not bring up the past. He just loves me, in spite of my brattiness and selfishness. I feel so grateful to be able to walk through this life with a man like that. This time, I knelt down and thanked my Heavenly Father for giving him to me.

A couple of thoughts on marriage:

My mom got me listening to Dr. Lund. For those of you who don't know, he is a therapist and inspirational speaker in the LDS community. Last week, I had to drive to Ogden for a meeting. I was all alone, except for Spencer, but a five-month-old isn't very chatty yet. So, I put on this talk tape:

I have listened to it before - several times. I love it, and I highly recommend it to anyone. He just brings up so many points on how to love unconditionally. But this time, one sentence has been marinating in my mind all week. He quotes a Stake President that told him that the single most cause of anxiety in his calling is "women who don't appreciate their husbands."

Consumed in my brattiness, in my Pity-Poor-Me attitude, I was nitpicking my husband. I wasn't appreciating the million-and-one things that he does to make my life easier and our home a happy place. I was focusing on the faults. He has them. Guess what? So do I. So do you. It's called "being human." But his strengths outnumber his faults substantially. His strengths compliment my faults beautifully. And guess what? My strengths compliment his faults beautifully. As difficult as it is for a person so consumed in selfish thinking, I forced myself to start counting the ways in which I appreciate him. I compiled a mental list that is outstanding. I intend to write that list down and give it to him. It is probably going to look a lot like Santa's list (paper flowing down to the ground and around the room). I have so much to be grateful for.

Dr. Lund also reminded me of another point: His philosophy of a wish versus a goal. He asserts that a wish is something that is dependent on others. A goal is something that is dependent on us. He uses a missionary example to illustrate his point. When a missionary sets a goal to baptize 10 people the following month, it isn't really a goal, it is a wish because it depends on the willingness of other people. But, a missionary can make a goal to get up early, study the scriptures diligently, pray with his/her companion, follow all the mission rules, and work hard. All of that is within his/her control.

A little over a month ago, we were challenged by the Stake Presidency to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. That meant that we would have to read approximately six pages a night. We decided that in order to accomplish this goal, we would get ready for bed (jammies, brushed teeth, prayers, etc) and put our kids in their beds - lights out. Then, we would sit in the hallway and read out loud. All the promises of conference talks over the years came back to me. I heard about all these great promised blessings of holding regular scripture study. I created images of angelic children, anxiously hanging on our every word, falling asleep with the words of the Lord ringing in their ears, and complete family harmony to follow in the morning when they all woke up.

Let's just say that wasn't exactly what has happened. More often than not, I find myself telling kids to stop talking, stop kicking the wall, stop clicking their tongues, stop begging for a glass of water, stop crying, stop...stop...stop! Harmonious is not quite the word I would use to describe our scripture study time. I realized that it was a wish that I had for my children to fall in love with the scriptures. I have no control over the way in which they receive this information. I quickly re-evaluated my thinking. My goal is now to read every night and not chastise my children at all during this time. The harmony is beginning to seep into our home again.

It is my wish that my husband absolutely adore me, even when I'm not so adorable. It is my goal to be more appreciative of my husband. It is my goal to find a way every day to express my gratitude to him.

One of my favorite things to do with my kids is read with them. This is quite possibly when I am at my best as a mother. I'm not so great at playing Polly Pocket or "warring" with Pokemon cards (those are the strengths of my husband), but we do enjoy cuddling up with a good book. It has become a tradition that I read books out loud to my kids while they eat breakfast, and then we watch the movie based on the book. Greg sets up the projector in our basement and we watch the movie on "the wall" - our own little home theater. We blow up the air mattress, pop popcorn, and the kids are in heaven. A few years ago, we read "Because of Winn-Dixie" by Kate DiCamillo. This young girl befriends people in a small Florida town. One of the older women of the town gives the young girl some advice: "You just got to love it while you got it, and that's that."

I watch time slipping away from me. It is so easy for me to see that sweet little towhead toddler running around my house. He brought me so much joy. Now, he is eight years old already. In a few very short years, he'll be in Jr. High. We will no longer be the center of his universe. I just need to love my children while I've got them. They won't be here forever.

I just need to love my husband while I've got him. I don't know what the future brings. Hopefully, we will be celebrating his 94th birthday together (just like we recently celebrated the 94th birthday of his grandmother). The reality is that we only have the guarantee of today...this hour...this minute. And I desperately want my children and husband to feel loved, respected, and appreciated.

This is my goal: To love more deeply and show that love more often (and to leave that selfish little brat that has possessed me lately on the doorstep).

Ironically, when I give up that selfishness, and start to look outside of myself, I am so much happier, so much more at peace with myself and my life. Everything has more color, more beauty, more...more...more! God is tricky like that. The more we give, the more we receive. That is especially true with love. (Why did I ever think that being a snot was going to bring me more love?!? Doesn't make sense!)