My Prayer

As I lay me down to sleep...I have a plea tonight:

This boy:

This one right here:

This boy confuses me beyond belief, frustrates me more than I thought possible, and tugs at my heartstrings like no other. He requires more energy than my other four children - combined. And yet, when I think of him, I admire him almost more than any other person I've met. His spirit...his soul...is so fascinating to me. He's like my own little Spiritual Science Experiment. I am constantly trying to figure him out.

Right now, I need (desperately need) for people to see past his bouncy-ness, his volume (which is very, very loud), his passion (translation: tears/temper/lack of impulse control) through his young, innocent eyes into his pure, good heart. (And by "people" I mean his teachers, his friends, our neighbors, his church leaders, and most of all - myself.)

People always describe him as "so smart." He does have an amazing ability to learn easily, grasp concepts quickly, observe, think deeply, create and build, and remember (oh to have his memory). Even though I firmly believe that this is a talent, or gift that was given to him by a loving Heavenly Father, it is not one of the things that I most admire in my son. I wish it did not define him because there are more layers if you take the time to find them.

Just some of his exceptional qualities (in my humble opinion):

• He instantly accepts people as a friend. Since he was a toddler, we would take him to the park or the zoo and he would immediately have a friend. Wherever he went, he could make friends - instantly. He has never spoken badly about a neighbor child or a friend at school (even those that he tends to "clash" with on occasion). If someone is ready and willing, he is eager to befriend them.
• He does not "see" people physically. He has never once commented on or asked about a physical disability, mental disability, weight, skin color, age, etc. You know how little kids innocently ask about these things (both of my girls have). This is something that Austin simply does not notice. He accepts people - no strings attached.
• His desire to do good. I wish you could be a fly on the wall some nights as he says a heartfelt prayer that he will be able to control his body and his emotions. He knows his limitations, and he really does desire to follow the rules and obey. Breaks my heart as he pleads with the Savior for help.
• His innate spirituality. To some it may seem that he doesn't stop moving until he is asleep, but he is also very still during priesthood blessings. He listens intently. He strives to take it all in. He ponders the things he learns, reads, and hears. It may not seem like he's listening (as he is constantly in motion), but it sinks in somehow.
• He loves his family. Today as I was going through his bag of "stuff" from 2nd Grade, trying to decide what to keep, I came across a paper that was shaped and colored to look like a large gem (they studied maps and read a book about a buried treasure). It had the names of "Macy, Paige, Spencer, and Kade" written on it. I opened it up and it read, "My greatest treasure is my siblings." He continued to write about each one of them and why he treasures them. I hope, with all my heart, that my children have a life-long friendship with each other.
• His ability to forgive. He does not hold grudges. Sometimes I laugh when he and his friends get into it (screaming, hitting, tears - the whole nine yards) and five minutes later there is a knock on the door. These boys act like nothing happened when just moments earlier they were willing to fight to the death. (I realize this may be a "Boy Thing," but it impresses the pants off me!) Last week, I was terribly frustrated and threw a terrible temper tantrum. After getting everyone ready for bed, I announced that I was leaving and taking Kade with me. Macy asked if I was moving out (insert eye roll); I ran to the store. But Austin (who got the worst of my fury, as usual) simply walked over to me, put his arms around my waist, and held on for a few seconds: "I love you, Mom." Honestly...He is my greatest example sometimes.

So I am begging...pleading with all of my heart...for people to please, please, please try to see past the annoyances and into his core. I think you will find good stuff in there. I worry incessantly about this child. I am beginning to realize that some of his struggles are going to be trials for a good part of his life (if not all of it), and that I cannot fix them. (As a mother, it kills me to write that - to admit it out loud. I...can't...fix...it. I can do all I can to help, but ultimately these are his battles - his limitations.)

Life isn't like the movies. People aren't completely good (Superman) or completely bad (Lex Luther). We are complex beings with mortal, human limitations. On the whole, I truly believe that most people are doing the best with what they've been given. Please know that my little guy is no exception. He's doing his best (and he has good days and not-so-good days just like everybody else), and he needs love and acceptance and not criticism.

(Sniffle...sniffle) Amen.