A little while later in our conversation, we talked about her family some more. She and her sister were working the shop that day, and while I was there, another sister called. So, I naturally asked about the rest of her siblings. She comes from a family of nine kids - NINE - seven girls and two boys. Since we are a few weeks away from becoming a family with five kids, I have been contemplating what constitutes a "big" family. I feel like five kids (seven people including Greg and myself) can be considered big.
Three kids have felt like I am comfortably satisfied - as if I'm out to a nice dinner and even though I could eat more, possible even order dessert, I could also leave at that moment feeling happy. Four kids would have been filling, but five kids is feeling like I've gorged myself a bit. You amazing women out there that have six, seven, eight, nine (or more!!!) - You are my heroes and I am grateful that there are people out there with the patience, organization, and love to raise that many sweet babes.
When my hairstylist said her mother raised nine kids, I had to express my surprise and admiration. Wow!!! What an amazing woman! Just planning to feed that many people completely boggles my mind. How on earth did she do it?!?
Then came the comment: Well, she didn't work, so she had the time and energy to take care of that many people.
I suddenly felt deflated. I don't work. In fact, I have tried very hard in the past year or so to simplify my outside interests so I can focus more on my family. And there are days when the demands of three kids (plus pregnancy) is simply too much for me. Some days, we just survive. On days like these, often full of tears and void of an actual shower, I am overwhelmed with the fact that we will soon be adding two more. How are we going to do it?!?
It has been a while since I've run into a "Working Mom's" opinion of "Stay-at-Home Mom's." I mean with all of the shows that Oprah has dedicated to this topic, I thought that we had all come to an agreement: Motherhood is difficult (and rewarding and wonderful) regardless of the circumstances. I thought we had established mutual respect for each other. Yes? No?
I worked up until the time that I had Macy, and it did work for us, although some days I did feel guilty. I told my mother once, "Sometimes I feel so badly that I work and Austin has to be babysat." She said, "Well, if you stayed home all day, some days you would feel bad for him that he was stuck with you." So true! Quitting my job completely was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It took me months and about three tries to really walk away. After years of financial independence, it was extremely difficult to turn it over - completely - to another person. I still struggle with it.
Both of my grandmothers worked outside the home, and I have felt that they kind of think I've chosen the "easy way." When I was working and had Austin (and my grandmother's brain had not yet succumbed to Alzheimer's), she made the comment that I am just like her. "I just couldn't stand to stay home all day either. My mind needed to be constantly challenged and I loved working." She also explained how well she managed everything and how accommodating her boss was when it came to school programs or sick children. I have often wondered if she thought I was "weak" when I decided to quit my job.
I really don't want to turn this into a debate over who is right: Working Mothers or Stay-at-Home Mothers. I really believe that it was the right decision for my family to quit my job. At times, I have contemplated going back to work on a part-time basis, and each time, I have felt like it is not the right thing for our family. However, I am not about to make a judgement call on another person's family. I believe that this is a very important decision that each woman (and couple) should make based on their own circumstances.
I am wondering if all of you "Working Mothers" feel judged by "Stay-at-Home Mothers?" Do you "Stay-at-Home Mothers" feel judged by "Working Mothers?" I don't feel deflated anymore. This is the right thing for us, so it doesn't matter what other people think. Just wanted to pick your brain on this subject.
9 comments:
Hmmmm. . . . Good post. Who knows if that mother raising 8 had time to bring a beautiful bouqet of Tulips to a friend who is grieving to lend support at a difficult time. Or if she spent as much quality time with EACH of her children, or if there was enough of her to go around to all of her kids. My mom had 7 living children. I will tell you now, there are only a few who felt that they actually got the time/attention/love they needed or would have liked from her. She went back to work when i was in 2nd grade, and I HATED it, and felt abandoned. I believe being a stay at home mom is the most selfless act of service we will ever give, and also the greatest gift we will give our kids. It's not about who's right, or wrong, it's about what fits the needs of each family. That's the beauty of prayer. Each of us can find answers pertaining to such things for ourselves and we can disregard anyone's judgement because they haven't received revelation for us. I loved the comment your mom said though about Austin being stuck at home with you:) That made me smile.I often feel that way about Spence. My take on it is this, I would NEVER forgive myself if I had been a working mom when James died. I would have always always regretted not spending every moment that I could with him. One day, even if you don't lose your child to death, you will lose them to time, and it will be sad if you regret not spending more time with them, because you can never ever get that time back. I'll tell you now, being a mom is WAY harder than any job I have ever done. But, that's just my own opinion:)
Love,
Michelle
ps. Thank you SOOOO much for the tulips. They are B.A.utiful, and made my heart really really happy.:)!
Wow. This is quite the subject. I try hard not to judge mother's who choose to work. However I have sometimes been frustrated by their perspective.
Since my first child was born, my husband worked 2 jobs so that I would be able to stay home. We eventually got our own business to the point that he was able to be a 1 job guy! But I remember a conversation when I was talking about how tired he was and how hard he was working for us that his mom said "does he HAVE to work 2 jobs? Couldn't you go get a job so he wouldn't have to work so hard?" I probably don't need to explain how that made me feel.
I have also had her (and others) tell me how LUCKY I am that I can stay home with our kids. Luck has nothing to do with it. We have chosen this for our family and have sacrificed in many ways to make it possible. We go without many things that our dual income friends and family have in order to live on one income.
Last I feel like I have a couple of working mothers I am close with that feel like I just sit around and do nothing because I am a stay at home mom. I won't go into the circumstances that have made me feel this way, but sometimes I don't feel like they realize how harried and crazy my days usually are!
I didn't mean this to be a big whiny comment...this is kind of a hot button issue for me though!
So my 2 cents are: If it makes you a better parent, it's worth it.
"IT" could mean being home 100%. "IT" could mean working part-time because time away makes you appreciate your kids more. "IT" could mean working full time in order to provide for them. "IT" could mean dad is at home. A few years ago Curtis was at home because I had a steady full time job. It wasn't long term, but he is surely more understanding if I don't get the house cleaned or dinner made that day, AND he definitely mentions how nice eveything looks/tastes when I do. It made us better parents. I do believe, that the more time parents can give their kids the better!
Also, even when I was working full time there were some women I worked with that thought I used my kids as a way to get out of things and that they should have come second to my job. That was hard to deal with. I had to learn how to separate home and work, but I was still a mom no matter what. Some women didn't like that.
There are times that, yes, I do feel judged by working mothers - not all working mothers - but a select few. I am often asked when I'll be going back to work. We have sacrificed A LOT so I could stay home with the kids. I don't resent those sacrifices for one second though.
Also, I have felt frustration that people think we must be doing pretty well if I can stay home with the kids and then they don't understand why we can't go out to eat or why we buy our clothes second-hand, or why we don't jump on an airplane and visit more.
On the flip side, I never judge those that work. They have their own sacrifices to deal with, just as I do.
We're all doing the best we can with what we've got.
When we were trying (unsuccessfully for a while) to have kids, one of the reasons I wanted a baby so bad was so I could quit my job and stay home. Now, when I have a bad day with the kids, sometimes I wish I had a full-time job just so I could have a break from them. I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other side!
One of the the things I struggle with as a stay-at-home mom is that it's not intellectually stimulating. Physically demanding, yes, but my brain isn't really taxed by toddlers. When I was working, I was challenged, and rewarded- something that doesn't always happen at home :)
There are certainly challenges to motherhood whether you stay home or work outside the home. Judge less and support more!
Oh, and I forgot to say- I chose to be a stay-at-home mom, and hard as it is, I don't regret it!
I still love it when the song comes on the radio by Lonestar about the dad who loses his job and ends up staying at home with the kids while his wife goes back to work. HE appreciated his wife's previous sacrifices after just one day at home! I guess that sort of sums up how I feel about this topic these days. As long as my hubby appreciates what I do as a stay-at-home mom, and I appreciate what he does to earn $$ for us, then we have the balance we need. But I am still sometimes tempted to go get a job so I can justify hiring someone to clean my bathrooms. . .
I don't feel too judged by others because I work. I do feel judged by my mother. She thinks I'm selfish because I work. Which I am a little, I guess. I really like working and have a career that I love. I feel I have a good balance working part time. And it works for our family.
Wow...I love reading what everyone has said. I think it's so hard to say...usually I only feel judged if I'M not sure I'm doing the right thing.
I've come to the conclusion I do work. I know...not hard to figure out. :) And in some ways that makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm such a better mom when I do get out of the house. I just have to be careful and balance...the major hardship of my existence. I hope nobody ever feels judged by me. I believe everyone does the best they can.
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