I'm Grateful For...

I decided that it's time to start up my Grateful section again. This one deserved its own post.

Thursday, May 7th: Greg and I sat on the couch and discussed plans for the upcoming weekend. We decided that after my doctor appointment the following day, that we would stop at the Nursery and buy plants, seeds, and manure needed to get the garden going. We would drive to my parents house, pick up the tiller (you know - the one that crossed the plains with my ancestors; okay, it's not that old - but close), and we would spend Saturday preparing the soil and planting our garden. We discussed what we would like to plant this year and where to try to fit everything into our small yard.

Saturday, May 9th: Kade decided it was simply too stressful living inside my body, so instead of planting our garden, we decided to bring two little boys into this world. They have consumed every waking minute since.

A week or two after we had been home from the hospital, my parents decided they needed a service project. They chose me. Knowing that fresh tomatoes, carrots, zucchini, and corn make me happier than Christmas morning, they showed up on my doorstep with plants in hand, tiller in the back of the Tahoe, and my brother as Worker #3.

Today, I am grateful to my mom, my dad, and my brother for doing what I could not. I'm also grateful for Greg for staying on top of the weeding and maintaining our small but happy garden. I have been reaping the rewards for several weeks now.

Tonight, with the use of 13 fresh tomatoes, I made this:

My house smelled of just the perfect blend of garlic, onions, and tomatoes. My heart was happy. For information on how to make the marinara sauce, go here.

Afterward, I used this:

To make this:

For information on how to make the cake, go here. For information on how to make the adorable children, go here.

Monday, September 18th: Greg and I sat on the couch and discussed our many blessings. We were actually talking about a family crisis (or two) and our role in helping to ease the burden a bit. Then we talked about how we have spent the past several months swimming as hard as we can just to keep our heads above water. This was not a discussion full of self-pity; we laughed as we discussed our survival techniques and creativity. Twice last week, I woke up about 2:30 in the morning to find that we had fallen asleep in mid-conversation with several lights on (and Greg's contacts still in). As I sleepily wandered around the house in the middle of the night, turning off lights, locking doors, starting the dishwasher, and flushing toilets (seems like that always needs to be done), I thought about how we are exhausted, but in the best possible way. I can't think of any other way I'd rather be expending my energy. Ironically, challenges have a way of highlighting our many blessings.

Thank you to everyone who has sought a service project and thought of my family over the past several months. We have felt so much charity and Christlike love enter our home. Thank you for helping so willingly and sharing your love with us. I truly am grateful for all the good, good people in my life.

How do I love thee, Let me count the ways...

I took Spencer and Kade in for their 4 month check up yesterday. Kade weighed in at 11 pounds 14 ounces and 23 1/4 inches. Spencer came in at 12 pounds 2 ounces and 24 3/4 inches. I really thought Spencer would weigh a lot more. He just seems so much bigger than Kade. Even the nurse was surprised. She thought he would be about a pound bigger. (They got shots and Kade didn't even cry. We just watched him, waiting for that wail, but it never came. Crazy!)

Anyway...I wanted to see how they were doing in comparison to my other children at four months. Amazingly, both Austin and Macy weighed exactly the same (12 pounds 13 ounces), but I couldn't find where I wrote down Paige's information. Back when I was not the mother of 5, I had calendars for each baby for the first year of their lives. Every day (or almost), I would jot down something that happened - either something that they accomplished or something fun or just a tender moment. I noticed that I quit about four months with Paige, but that was also the time that I started my blog. So, I went back to the beginning to see if I documented Paige's information. I didn't.

It was just about bedtime, so my kids were swarming around me with toothbrushes in their mouths and books in their hands and Greg was giving me the "Why do you have to do that right now?!?" look (it comes with rolled eyes and exasperated sighs). I was having a blast reading through the past two years. A few posts I remembered without reading, most of them came back to me as I read them or saw a picture, and some of them seemed totally new to me (like the time when Macy told me that she was so upset she would "never laugh again"). I fell in love with my blog, with everybody's comments, and especially with my life all over again.

Although I really enjoy writing, I was never very good at keeping a consistent journal. My blog has enabled me to do just that. I print off the posts and put them in a binder so that I have an electronic copy and a paper copy. I try to be very honest and write about the good times and the trying times. If my kids (and maybe their kids) really do read this one day, I want them to know that I am very much human. I find one-dimensional blogs so transparent (either way: too depressing and self-loathing or so blissfully happy).

So today I am grateful for blogger. I know that not as many people are blogging these days, but just reading through my 2007 archives makes me realize how much I truly love blogging and I should keep doing it. It is good therapy for me and a perfect spot for me to document our memories. I love you blogger.com!!!

While I'm documenting...Here is an update of my boys at four months:

Loves: Being held, swings, bouncers, cooing when spoken to, grabbing mom's hair, watching their mobile, baths, being outside, the ceiling fan, watching Baby Einstein videos (my life-saver), rolling completely over and over and over (Spencer), sleeping on tummy (Spencer), rolling on side (Kade), kisses on chin and neck, binks, sucking on fingers (Kade), sleeping with Mom, scratching his head (Kade), holding their hands together

Dislikes: Being left alone, messy diapers, having their eyes cleaned out (Kade), lotion, walking downstairs (Spencer - he gets all tight, puts his arms out, and cries), loud noises

Kade getting tortured with lotion by Paige:

New this month: I have had both boys sleeping in their bouncers on the kitchen table. I wrap them up tightly, buckle them up, and turn on the bounciness. This month, since Spencer tries to roll out of the bouncer, we moved both boys into the crib. I realized that I created two bouncer monsters. They fought the crib for the first week, but are getting so much better. We just put them down with a pacifier, cover them with a blanket, and turn on the mobile. They are such good boys and generally go to sleep. Sometimes, in the night, they'll wake up because one of them has turned around is is kicking the other one in the head (just like the womb). They generally skip one feeding in the night and go about six hours. We've also started going on more walks. I put one baby in the wrap and one in the double stroller with Paige. We've LOVED getting out!

Nicknames: Bence (coined by Paige), Mr. Spence, Spenceter

Kadester, Kincade

My favorite things: The constant cooing and the way they smile with their entire bodies. They get so excited and kick their legs, arch their back, fling out their arms, and smile! I love you Spencer and Kade!

Manna

The other morning, as I lay in bed feeding a baby (not sure which one), my mind contemplated the Israelites. I thought about the fact that they wandered for 40 years in the wilderness, and every day, manna fell from heaven. The people gathered the manna and ate what they needed - no more, no less. Every morning, without fail, the Lord provided.

One of my concerns, when I first found out that I was having twins, was the strength (or lack of strength) of my body. Although I was once told (by a well-intentioned gynecologist) that I have "excellent birthing hips," my body simply was not made for baby-making. I won't bore you with all of the details, but one of them has to do with the lack of breast milk. With my first three babes, I tried everything to increase my milk supply. When Macy (my child who refused the bottle) actually lost weight between her six and nine-month checkups, the doctor said, "Some women have cream; you have water." When I did stop nursing her, I quit cold turkey and didn't feel engorged at all! My body simply does not produce well.

Early on in my pregnancy with Spencer and Kade, I was caught up in my many worries about the daunting task of twins. Even with the use of miracle medication, my body could hardly grow one baby, how on Earth was it suppose to grow two??? My answer: The Lord will provide. That early morning, listening to the birds wake up and watching the sun creep over the valley, I understood that my increased lactation was just another way that the Lord was providing for my babes.

Just like manna, every three hours, my body creates the sustenance needed for these babies. After feeding two starving children, I feel completely depleted and I look like I have two empty balloons hanging from my chest. Amazingly, while I go about my normal duties, without even noticing it, I gradually fill up to the point of bursting just about the time that desperate, hungry cries cause the milk to drop. I produce just the right amount to feed my babies - no more, no less.

I hardly think I could stand on the pulpit and bear testimony of the miracle of lactation, but every time I see one of those searching little mouths start to suckle, my faith is renewed. Our bodies are miraculous (I should love mine more). The Lord thought of everything...everything! The Lord will provide - He does provide.

Just look what that milk has done to my boy's cheeks (4 months tomorrow). Oh, and I think that the Lord may have forgotten to give them each a neck. Oh well, minor detail.

p.s. They found each other tonight. They were on the floor, and for the first time, they caught each other's eyes and started a conversation. They were cooing and squeaking while reaching out with their arms and kicking their legs in excitement. It was beyond adorable!

Bigs

Have you ever noticed that families develop their own language. As children learn to speak, they come up with words that replace the real words, and families start to use these words all the time. My children have done this. Austin called his pacifier a "Ba-da." Macy called nipples "knuckles." Macy also calls all hair bows/clips/elastics "Pretties." And now Paige has added a new word to our vocabulary: "Bigs," and it is used to reference pajamas.

These are Bigs:

These are Bigs:

These are also Bigs:

These are not Bigs:

Paige loves to wear Bigs to bed. Every night, you can find Greg or I (or even Austin and Macy) coercing Paige into some Bigs. I bet she has only worn shorts to bed a handful of times this summer. Even when the temperature doesn't dip lower than the 80s, she just prefers her Bigs.

Oh, and after two-and-a-half years of life, this happened yesterday:

3 Months

My babies are three months old, and Spencer is already picking on Kade:

One:

Two:

Three:

Too funny!!!

Spencer actually rolled over on Saturday. I fed him first, put him down on a blanket in the middle of the room, and picked up Kade to feed him. I watched Spencer the entire time, and after much struggle, he finally did it. For several minutes, he rolled his entire body over, and if he didn't have that darn left arm, he would have accomplished this task much more quickly. He couldn't quite figure out how to free that arm from under his belly. After much kicking and squirming, he would tire and roll onto his back for a little breather. After a deep breath and new resolution, his legs would flip over again and he would kick and squirm some more so determined to get all the way over - left arm and all!

After about ten minutes, he did it! Finally, that arm popped right out and he lay there high-centered on his round belly. Now what?!? He achieved his goal, but after a couple of seconds, he started crying. I guess it wasn't all he hoped for. How typical. The fallacy of "The grass is always greener on the other side" catches all of us in its grip - even innocent little three-month-olds.

I continually feel so blessed for these babies. They are really dynamic right now, and they smile and respond when we talk to them. They are actually doing great at night. Spencer usually skips his middle-of-the-night feeding, and Kade does occasionally. So, there are a few days a week that they'll go about six hours between feedings. Heaven! They LOVE their swings, bouncers, and binkies. Like most babies, they both love to be held as well. I've started taking them out - on walks and to the store (occasionally). I put one in the stroller with Paige and one in the sling. It seems to work and I don't feel like the walls are caving in on me. It's nice.

Earlier this month, Greg blessed both of the babies. He was so nervous about making them different, but I think he did a very good job. He blessed Kade first. He said that Kade with be second his entire life, so he wanted to give him a chance to be first. He blessed both boys with the desire to achieve righteousness in this life: baptism, priesthood, mission, marriage in the temple, and eventually the blessing of being fathers themselves. He talked to Kade about his middle name, and how it is the name of his grandfather. He blessed him with traits like his grandfather - determination, industrious, and a very generous heart.

When the blessing was over, everyone stayed up in the circle, Greg walked down, handed Kade off, picked up Spencer, and started all over again. (Sometimes I don't realize that I have twins. I simply take care of them. One feeding - another feeding. One diaper change - another diaper change. One bath - a second bath. but then there are moments like this where I realize that there are two of them. It's very strange.) Spencer's blessing was just as beautiful. Greg very sweetly talked about me and everything that a mother sacrifices for a baby. He blessed Spencer that he will feel of our overwhelming love and gratitude for him. Then, he spoke about how Spencer was also named after a "great man" (my dad). He talked about my dad's traits of selflessness and dedication to our family. He blessed him to acquire those traits.

Afterward, we had everyone over to our house for some breakfast casserole and breakfast rolls. It was a beautiful day. I thought back to those first days of their lives, when we spent nearly two weeks in the hospital, eagerly arriving at the nursery every three hours on the dot, passing clearance by the nurses, washing our hands obsessively, and finally visiting our tiny babies. I remember one night when it was decided that Kade was simply not progressing and they put a feeding tube in. This made it so that I could only hold him for about 20 minutes every six hours. He needed to eat and sleep under the heat as much as possible so he could start to grow.

I had just fed Kade his measly 18 cc's of well-intended breast milk. After burping, he gagged and spit up the entire bottle. It was everywhere - all over him, all over me, and all over the floor. I was exhausted and started to cry. I knew that this was the last straw and that they would put the tube down his throat. I knew everything would eventually be okay, but it was so hard to see his little three-an-a-half pound body hooked up to all these tubes and monitors and feel so completely helpless. Our nurse was a blessing that night. She had extensive experience with preemie babies, both professionally and personally. The smallest baby she ever cared for was just under a pound, and he lived! She and her husband had adopted all four of their children. Her second child was born early and weighed in at about two-and-a-half pounds. They spent nearly three months in the hospital with him. She sweetly put her arm around me and said, "You know, the ones that struggle the most often turn out to be the strongest."

I looked around the room. This was the Level II Nursery (still considered a NICU, but not as life-threatening as the Level III Nursery). I saw all these babies that were struggling with their start in life. Most babies stayed a couple of days as they overcame jaundice or breathing issues. One little baby was born addicted to morphine, and began his life desperately struggling to overcome this inherited addiction. Every day was a fight as he screamed to the point that my milk came in. We saw two babies life flighted to Primary Children's during our stay. Overall, I was amazed at the strength and resilience of these tiny bodies. I wondered about their spirits. These bodies all around me were only a couple of pounds, but their spirits are eternal. I wondered about the strength of their souls.

Then, I thought about that statement in relation to life. As I stood there and rubbed Kade's little forehead, I thought about those people in my life that have suffered more than what seems like their fair share. I know so many good people that, through very little fault of their own, have had to struggle through health issues, money issues, emotional issues, etc. I thought about the strength of their souls as well. I thought about the Plan of Salvation and how we learn about it over and over again. I think that we skip over the part where we say "We came to earth to get a body and be tried and tested" much too quickly. This is the reason we are here. This was not meant to be easy. Trite, perhaps, but true. Like the nurse said, we need to struggle in order to become strong.

I suddenly became one of those people who is extremely grateful for my trials. I don't have too look very hard, even when times are tough, to realize that the grass is quite green on my side of the fence. It is green enough, at least.

My Prayer

As I lay me down to sleep...I have a plea tonight:

This boy:

This one right here:

This boy confuses me beyond belief, frustrates me more than I thought possible, and tugs at my heartstrings like no other. He requires more energy than my other four children - combined. And yet, when I think of him, I admire him almost more than any other person I've met. His spirit...his soul...is so fascinating to me. He's like my own little Spiritual Science Experiment. I am constantly trying to figure him out.

Right now, I need (desperately need) for people to see past his bouncy-ness, his volume (which is very, very loud), his passion (translation: tears/temper/lack of impulse control) through his young, innocent eyes into his pure, good heart. (And by "people" I mean his teachers, his friends, our neighbors, his church leaders, and most of all - myself.)

People always describe him as "so smart." He does have an amazing ability to learn easily, grasp concepts quickly, observe, think deeply, create and build, and remember (oh to have his memory). Even though I firmly believe that this is a talent, or gift that was given to him by a loving Heavenly Father, it is not one of the things that I most admire in my son. I wish it did not define him because there are more layers if you take the time to find them.

Just some of his exceptional qualities (in my humble opinion):

• He instantly accepts people as a friend. Since he was a toddler, we would take him to the park or the zoo and he would immediately have a friend. Wherever he went, he could make friends - instantly. He has never spoken badly about a neighbor child or a friend at school (even those that he tends to "clash" with on occasion). If someone is ready and willing, he is eager to befriend them.
• He does not "see" people physically. He has never once commented on or asked about a physical disability, mental disability, weight, skin color, age, etc. You know how little kids innocently ask about these things (both of my girls have). This is something that Austin simply does not notice. He accepts people - no strings attached.
• His desire to do good. I wish you could be a fly on the wall some nights as he says a heartfelt prayer that he will be able to control his body and his emotions. He knows his limitations, and he really does desire to follow the rules and obey. Breaks my heart as he pleads with the Savior for help.
• His innate spirituality. To some it may seem that he doesn't stop moving until he is asleep, but he is also very still during priesthood blessings. He listens intently. He strives to take it all in. He ponders the things he learns, reads, and hears. It may not seem like he's listening (as he is constantly in motion), but it sinks in somehow.
• He loves his family. Today as I was going through his bag of "stuff" from 2nd Grade, trying to decide what to keep, I came across a paper that was shaped and colored to look like a large gem (they studied maps and read a book about a buried treasure). It had the names of "Macy, Paige, Spencer, and Kade" written on it. I opened it up and it read, "My greatest treasure is my siblings." He continued to write about each one of them and why he treasures them. I hope, with all my heart, that my children have a life-long friendship with each other.
• His ability to forgive. He does not hold grudges. Sometimes I laugh when he and his friends get into it (screaming, hitting, tears - the whole nine yards) and five minutes later there is a knock on the door. These boys act like nothing happened when just moments earlier they were willing to fight to the death. (I realize this may be a "Boy Thing," but it impresses the pants off me!) Last week, I was terribly frustrated and threw a terrible temper tantrum. After getting everyone ready for bed, I announced that I was leaving and taking Kade with me. Macy asked if I was moving out (insert eye roll); I ran to the store. But Austin (who got the worst of my fury, as usual) simply walked over to me, put his arms around my waist, and held on for a few seconds: "I love you, Mom." Honestly...He is my greatest example sometimes.

So I am begging...pleading with all of my heart...for people to please, please, please try to see past the annoyances and into his core. I think you will find good stuff in there. I worry incessantly about this child. I am beginning to realize that some of his struggles are going to be trials for a good part of his life (if not all of it), and that I cannot fix them. (As a mother, it kills me to write that - to admit it out loud. I...can't...fix...it. I can do all I can to help, but ultimately these are his battles - his limitations.)

Life isn't like the movies. People aren't completely good (Superman) or completely bad (Lex Luther). We are complex beings with mortal, human limitations. On the whole, I truly believe that most people are doing the best with what they've been given. Please know that my little guy is no exception. He's doing his best (and he has good days and not-so-good days just like everybody else), and he needs love and acceptance and not criticism.

(Sniffle...sniffle) Amen.

Day 2

On the way to school today, Macy asked how long she would have to go to school. I tried explaining high school and college. She asked what was after college, and I told her that she could actually go to school her entire life if she wanted - it is up to her. Her reply: "I don't want to. All you do at school is learn, and I already learned."

Listen

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,

Listen to the DON'TS

Listen to the SHOULDN'TS

The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS

Listen to the NEVER HAVES

then listen close to me-

Anything can happen, child,

ANYTHING can be.

- Shel Silverstein

The past few weeks, I have been looking forward to this day. I felt like my kids definitely needed the opportunity to miss each other again (the Summer bickering got a little too much for me). But now, I am looking at these pictures with tears running down my face wondering when this happened? How is it possible to have a third-grader (by the way, that isn't a gang sign he's flashing - I asked him to hold up three fingers so we would know what grade he's in)? When did my little blond bombshell decide to be a fiercely independent Kindergartner? When did time speed up? What have I given them? Why haven't I let more go and just loved them and enjoyed them? Why haven't I laughed more? What happened to those chubby cheeks, and why didn't I kiss them more when I had them? How much time do I have left? How will I use that time? How can I enjoy them more?

I want three things for my kids:

1. I want them to have a love of learning. I want this desire to be almost unquenchable. Whatever their interest, whatever their passion, they will find joy in learning.
2. I want them to be happy. I want them to enjoy their childhood and have enough time to just "be kids". I want them to pretend, explore, and discover...daily. I want them to smile and laugh. "Men are that they might have joy." Today, after I dropped Macy off, Paige tried to convince me that she was 5 and not 2 (she wanted to go to school too). All I could think was "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, little girl. Enjoy this time."
3. Most importantly: I want them to live a good life. I want them to be good friends, good brothers, good sisters, good neighbors. I want them to find the joy in living selflessly. I want them to get to know their Savior on a personal basis. I want them to be actively involved in good causes. I want to see their individual talents used in a way to lift others and bring joy to their lives and the lives of others.

I want one thing for myself: To have enough patience and energy to treat my kids with all the love and respect that they deserve. To truly "listen" to the Spirit to help me know what's best for them, and to truly "listen" to my children (not only their words, but their emotions and needs as well). (I guess that's more than one. Oh well, I'm having a guilt-ridden day. I just need to do better - No excuses!)

How did your first day/week go, and what do you want for your children?